NFL

Nobody Beats The Orignal Whizzinator®

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So Minnesota Vikings running back Onterrio Smith has been caught going through airport security packing The Original Whizzinator, a device that's sold to folks trying to game drug tests.

From the Boston Globe's account:

Police at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport questioned Smith April 21 after a search of his bag discovered vials of white powder, according to a police report.

Smith told officers it was dried urine used in conjunction with a device called "The Original Whizzinator." The officer who filed the report wrote that Smith "told me that it was dried urine for making a clean urine test." In addition, he had a bottle of pills labeled "cleansing formula."

Smith told police he was taking the vials to his cousin. The Star Tribune first reported the story yesterday.

Whole thing here. Curiously, 'twas a tube of toothpaste that reportedly led to the search of Smith's bag.

Now you don't have to be a dried-urine fetishist (though it helps) to find interest in this story. What I want to know is who sourced this story in the first place? Shouldn't those Transportation Security Administration files be, you know, confidential or something?

It's not clear from any of the reports I've read how reporters learned of the incident so, like Mycroft Holmes, I'm left to cogitate on the matter. Think about it from the good ol' cui bono angle: Who benefits?

The NFL looks bad, what with players circumventing their drug policy. Smith looks bad, coming up with the least convincing celebrity cover story since Rod "The Wad" Stewart claimed he checked into that hospital for simple exhaustion. And the TSA looks bad because instead of stopping Mohammed Atta wannabes they're sniffing vials of dried urine (just add…what, water? Snapple brand beverages?).

So that leaves only one suspect: The folks behind The Original Whizzinator, who have gained arguably the greatest product placement since Reese's Pieces were gobbled up by E.T. faster than he drank whatever brand of beer he guzzled to comedic effect in the worst highest-grossing flick of all time.

We salute you, Whizzinator makers, not for the product you have created (about which we know nothing personally) but for the placement you have made.

Jacob Sullum looked at on-the-job drug tests here.

And I looked away here when Clarence Thomas wrote a majority opinion for the Supreme Court upholding urine tests in schools.

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  1. So which is dumber:

    1) The NFL for testing for marijuana, which is clearly not enhancing anyone’s performance on the football field
    or
    2) Onterrio Smith, for risking his multi-million dollar per year job to smoke weed and getting caught
    ?

  2. Josh, The NFL tests for lots of stuff, and to be fair to Onterrio Smith, it’s entirely possible that he’s hiding evidence of something that actually would enhance performance.

  3. Funniest thing I heard on WEEI (Sports Radio in Boston) talking about this issue was the image of a DEA agent doing the prototypical Hollywood “taste test” on the dried urine.

    It sounds like a great product. Even though it seems a bit silly for a professional athlete to run the risk of getting suspended (and thus losing big bucks), I imagine for joe worker who is a weekend drug user but still gets drug tested by their employer, that this is the answer to keeping work out of your private life.

  4. 3. NFL football fans for making all of these clowns super-rich year after year.

  5. Props for the Mycroft Holmes reference, although I’m not sure if you’re refering to Sherlock’s brother the Heinlein’s computer.

  6. That should read “or Heinlein’s Computer.”

  7. Is it such a mystery given the level of attention sports figures get? Star running back who was suspended last season for failing a drug test getting stopped at a checkpoint is big news for fans of the team. At his home airport I imagine the event caught somebody’s/anybody’s attention. It wouldn’t be more than local sports news if it wasn’t so much fun to talk about a Whizzinator. If the vials were cocaine and there was no rubber penis involved, the fans would know but nobody else would be discussing it.

  8. Way to go, Mr. Smith. You’ve just given every petty government official or business functionary who is charged with running a drug testing program motivation to not only tell us to pee on command, but to insist that we drop both trou and briefs or boxers while filling the cup.

    Hasn’t this guy ever heard of FedEx?

    Kevin

  9. Well, at least we know all that airport security is going to good use.

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