Find the Pope In the Pizza


A new pope has supposedly been elected, but we must be cautious: Today, for the second time in two days, crowds gathered in St. Peter's Square believed they saw white smoke emerging from the electoral stovepipe, causing a moment of confusion about whether a new pontiff had actually been elected.

This may have seemed like just another quaint Catholic absurdity. But sedevacantist conspiracy buffs could only look on with bitter recognition, recalling the disputed elections of 1958 and 1963, both of which were marred by white-smoke false alarms. This fueled speculation that Federico Cardinal Tedeschini was elected in 1958 and Giuseppe Cardinal Siri (who even allegedly went so far as to briefly take the title Gregory XVII) was elected in 1963—but that their elections were blocked by B'nai Brith, the Freemasons, the Soviets, or all three. In 1958 the confusion lasted a half hour, lending support to the less conspiratorial thesis that somebody other than Angelo Roncalli (John XXIII) actually was elected, but declined. Others take a more dim view:

Besides Scortesco's admission that Cardinal Tedeschini was elected in 1958, and Cardinal Siri in 1963, there is evidence showing that Cardinal Siri was also elected before Cardinal Tedeschini and Angelo Roncalli [John XXIII] in 1958. In other words, Cardinal Siri wasn't only elected in 1963, as Scortesco revealed, but also in 1958. Adding credence to this is the fact that the phenomenon of the false-smoke-signals occurred in both 1958 and 1963! According to The Sheboygan Press of June 20, 1963, the white-smoke/black-smoke phenomenon-of-confusion occurred for 8 minutes in the 1963 conclave. The false-smoke-signal-phenomenon occurred in both conclaves precisely because the same thing happened in both: a true Pope was elected only to be intimidated into not accepting the office so that the enemies of the Church could implant their own man.

Couldn't the cardinals solve this problem by getting some smoke markers from the Coast Guard?

They haven't brought out the new pope or antipope yet, so in the last few minutes I'll make my prediction and say it's Arinze.