Al Qaeda vs. Cinderella Man (Your Tax Dollars at Work Edition)


More signs that we're living in a Philip K. Dick novel: Reuters and other sources are reporting that

Oscar-winning actor Russell Crowe said he may have been a target of an al Qaeda kidnap plot in early 2001, part of a bid by the militant network to "culturally destabilize" the United States.

The Australia-based Crowe told GQ magazine in an interview that he received FBI protection throughout the filming of "A Beautiful Mind" and for part of "Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World." He also was flanked by undercover agents at the Golden Globe awards ceremony in 2001….

"I don't think that I was the only person (targeted). But it was about—and here's another little touch of irony—it was about taking iconographic Americans out of the picture as a sort of cultural-destabilization plan," he said.

Story here.

I assume that the FBI, like the rest of the free world, simply fell asleep part way through Master and Commander. Or perhaps the agents on Crowe detail found themselves enmeshed in a web of equally implausible kidnap plots and sexual tension, not unlike his character in the 2000 actioner, Proof of Life.

Judging from the squib about his latest project, al Qaeda has become far craftier since 2001, figuring it will be far more dispiriting to Americans to simply let Crowe star in shitty movies.

To wit: Cinderella Man, which, according to the IMDB, tells "the story of Depression-era fighter and folk hero Jim Braddock, who defeated heavyweight champ Max Baer in a 15-round slugfest in 1935." The film's gag-inducing tag line? "When America was on its knees, he brought us to our feet."

And when there was only one set of footprints in the sand? That's when Max Baer, Jr. carried us on Jethro Bodine's shoulders.

NEXT: Illegal Parking

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  1. presumably, America gets to its feet in slow motion.

  2. Oh, stop carping everybody. Don’t you realize we’re at war? We can’t let the Islamo-fascists win! We must take the war to them on every front, and maintain our superiority in shitty movies! How will we transform the world if we don’t have a full arsenal that includes bad movies?

    So stop complaining and claiming that the Dear Leader is wasting money! We’re at war, people!


  3. You know, if Kerry won the election, it would have been worse: George Lucas would have announced a new Star Wars trilogy around the early adventures of Jar-Jar Binks, and al-Zarquawi would move mountains to produce “Gigli II”.

  4. Hey! I loved Master and Commander! It had the best “small boy has limb amputated” scene in recent memory.

  5. “He also was flanked by undercover agents at the Golden Globe awards ceremony in 2001….”

    Since (in 2001) Bush was inaugurated on Jan 20th and the Golden Globes were on the Jan 21st, can we assume that Al Qaeda was indeed one of Bush’s top priorities when he took office?

  6. It’s great how some people play for laughs what others would consider a nightmare. The last thing the world needs is a celebrity being kidnapped by terrorists. Think about it, it wouldn’t be pretty.

  7. Lonewacky,

    At least it would knock Brad and Jen and Nick and Jessica and Ashlee and Paris off the cover of every fucking zine at the checkout aisle.

  8. The last thing the world needs is a celebrity being kidnapped by terrorists. Think about it, it wouldn’t be pretty.

    Lonewacko, if terrorists kidnap one of our more annoying celebrities (say, Paris Hilton or Michael Jackson) and hold him or her for ransom, I’ll help run a fundraiser to get a counter-ransom: Whatever the celebrity’s associates offer as ransom, we’ll try to raise twice as much on the condition that the terrorists keep him or her.

  9. Ransom for Red Chief

  10. Dear al-Qaeda:
    If anything were to happen to Paris Hilton and Barney the Dinosaur, we here in America would TOTALLY lose our will to fight. Please, oh please, whatever you do, DON’T hurt Paris HIlton and Barney the Dinosaur! For that would destroy us!

    Signed, an infidel atheist Western female.

  11. Not to mention Branson, Missouri.

  12. Fightin’ round tha warl!

  13. In other celebrity news, the prosecution’s case in the Jackson trial may be collapsing:

  14. i think that, with this news, it’s time to face up to the probability that al-qaeda’s most devastating weapon is a brilliant sense of humor.

  15. We’re only interested in one thing, Fink. Can you tell a story? Can you make us laugh? Can you make us cry? Can you make us want to break out in joyous song? Is that more than one thing? Okay!

  16. umm.. isn’t russel crowe australian?

  17. gaius – yeah, I think of Osama and Bush as a comedy team, sort of a Dean Martin/Jerry Lewis sort of thing. Osama being Dino of course.

  18. It would be terrible if Russel Crowe was held hostage. We would be inundated with video clips of him half-shaved, messed up hair, looking tired, babbling incoherently.. oh wait..

  19. It had the best “small boy has limb amputated” scene in recent memory.

    Did you see “City of God”? While the scene with the small boy is not an amputation, it’s still pretty brutal (and pretty damn realistic).

  20. Russell Crowe was Maximus, there is no way al Qaeda could hope to contain that amount of badassness.

  21. “Gag inducing”. Heh!

  22. Fightin’ round tha warl!

    new episode tonight!

  23. Dear Osama,

    I’d just like to add a few items to Jennifer’s list: We’d also be absolutely devastated if you were to kidnap Michael Jackson. And I hear the Brits would cease to function as a society if you kidnapped anybody from the royal family.

    But if you kidnap Jennifer Garner, well, I’ll join the Marines! Her show may suck nowadays, but she’s still hot!

  24. I’ll take Branson over Long Island any day.

  25. I loved Master and Commander. I loved that ship -really cool ship. Not as cool the The Black Pearl in Pirates of the Caribbean, but still very cool.

  26. I dug M&C too.

    Headline from The Onion: “Kidnapped Hilton Sisters Apalled by State of Captor’s Basement”

  27. Fightin’ round tha warl!

    new episode tonight!

    Yeah there is!

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