Religion

Ask Ayatollah Sistani!

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Grand Ayatollah Sayyid Ali Husayni Sistani answers your questions on everything from plastic surgery (permissible) to shaking hands (not permissible if a girl is involved) to anal intercourse ("Permission is bound to wife's agreement, but it is strongly undesirable").

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  1. No chess? NO CHESS!?!

    That’s barbaric.

  2. Much like Khomeini, the Ayatollah Sistani is conspicuously silent on the issue of camel fucking.

  3. http://www.sistani.org/html/eng/main/index.php?page=4&lang=eng&part=1

    Question:What is the definition of Zina?

    Answer:Zina does not take place without penetration.

    Board of Istifta

    Holy Moses! The Democrats were right!

  4. No chess, no masturbating yourself, but your wife can jack you off. Oh, and no oral sex causing ejaculation.

    This guy’s going to give Dr. Ruth AND Bobby Fisher a run for their money!

  5. didn’t we do this before? or are we in recycling mode?

  6. What’s his stance on the Dirty Sanchez? If you snowball a cleric, is that a death sentence? I’ve got questions.

  7. Anal intercourse – Strongly UNdesirable!?

    That’s just crazy talk. Prohibitions on masturbation are even more retarded. But joe sussed it, anyone demonizing chess goes beyond medieval fucktard. That’s plain despotic.

  8. I strongly suspect that the Ayatollah isn’t an actual person, but a simple computer program with a random generator..

    Question: Is it okay to lick a camel’s balls?
    Answer: It is permissable, but strongly discouraged.

    Question: Is it okay for me to scratch my ass if no one’s looking?
    Answer: It is forbidden.

    Where is Captain Kirk when you need him?

  9. We will tolerate no impostors! Destroy Sistani!!

  10. I see a real merchandising opportunity here — Plastic Sistani heads with a window on the bottom… filled with a mysterious blue liquid and a 20-sided plastic float…

  11. I’ll say one thing for Sistani — he spells ‘permissible’ correctly. 🙂

  12. Thanks Ken, you smartass. Just fixed it.

  13. Because the Sgrena thread has rolled off the front page, I’ll post this here:

    http://apnews1.iwon.com/article/20050308/D88MRBB80.html

    Italy Foreign Minister Disputes U.S. Claim
    Mar 8, 9:24 AM (ET)

    By ALESSANDRA RIZZO

    ROME (AP) – Italy’s foreign minister said Tuesday that American troops killed an Italian intelligence officer in Iraq by accident, but he disputed Washington’s version of events, demanding a thorough U.S. investigation of the shooting and that “the culprits be punished.”

    Foreign Minister Gianfranco Fini told parliament that the car carrying the intelligence officer and an ex-hostage to freedom was not speeding and was not ordered to stop by U.S. troops at a checkpoint, contrary to what U.S. officials say.

    However, he also dismissed allegations that the Friday shooting that killed Nicola Calipari was an ambush – a claim made by the released hostage, journalist Giuliana Sgrena.

    “It was an accident,” Fini told lawmakers. “This does not prevent, in fact it makes it a duty for the government to demand that light be shed on the murky issues, that responsibilities be pinpointed, and, where found, that the culprits be punished.”

    Calipari was shot as the car carrying him and Sgrena, who had been kidnapped Feb. 4, headed to the Baghdad International Airport. Sgrena and another intelligence officer in the car were wounded.

    The shooting outraged Italy and rekindled questions over its involvement in Iraq, where Premier Silvio Berlusconi sent 3,000 troops. But the government has made it clear it is not considering a withdrawal following Calipari’s killing.

    Fini said the car was traveling at no more than 25 mph. He said a light was flashed at the car after a curve, and gunfire – lasting 10 or 15 seconds – started immediately afterward, disputing U.S. military claims that several attempts were made to stop the vehicle.

    Italy’s “reconstruction of the tragic event … does not fully coincide with what has been communicated by U.S. authorities,” said Fini. He added that the “sequence of acts carried out by the U.S. soldiers before the shooting” is one of the main discrepancies.

    In a statement released Friday night, the U.S. 3rd Infantry Division, which controls Baghdad, said the vehicle was “traveling at high speeds” and “refused to stop at a checkpoint.”

    A U.S. patrol “attempted to warn the driver to stop by hand and arm signals, flashing white lights, and firing warning shots in front of the car,” it said. “When the driver didn’t stop, the soldiers shot into the engine block which stopped the vehicle, killing one and wounding two others.”

    Fini said the hypothesis that the shooting was the result of an ambush, as suggested by Sgrena, is “groundless.”

    The journalist said the shooting might have been intentional because the United States opposes Italy’s policy of negotiating with kidnappers. The White House has dismissed the claim as “absurd,” and two Italian prosecutors investigating the killing said there was no evidence pointing to a possible ambush, according to news reports.

    In Baghdad, a video purportedly made by the insurgents who kidnapped Sgrena claimed the group did not receive any ransom for her release.

    The tape showed footage of Sgrena shortly before she was freed, and the claim was made by a man off-camera reading a statement. It was not possible to verify the authenticity of the tape, which was dropped off anonymously at the offices of Associated Press Television News in Baghdad.

    The voice on the tape said Sgrena was released with no ransom “even though we were offered that.”

    It added that “the resistance refuses (to be paid). We hope that all journalists around the world would be released.”

    A written statement shown on screen and read by the man off-camera alleged that U.S. forces deliberately targeted Sgrena.

    “America has cheated its close ally Italy by attempting to assassinate the Italian journalist Giuliana Sgrena,” the statement said. “The resistance has learned from its private sources in the heart of America that the CIA decided to kill the journalist.”

    The Bush administration rejected suggestions that U.S. troops deliberately opened fire on the car.

    “Nothing could be further from the truth,” State Department spokesman Richard Boucher said.

    Fini stressed that the U.S. government is an allied country that has promised full cooperation.

    On Monday, Italy bade farewell to Calipari at a solemn funeral in a Rome basilica that drew 20,000 mourners.

    Several Rome newspapers said a lack of communication between Italian intelligence and U.S. forces may have led to the gunfire. La Repubblica daily, citing unidentified U.S. military sources, said Italian officials did not send notice of Sgrena’s liberation or of the type of vehicle she was being carried in.

    But Fini said that Calipari, an experienced officer who had negotiated the release of other hostages in Iraq in the past, “made all the necessary contacts with the U.S. authorities,” both with those in charge of airport security and with the forces patrolling areas next to the airport.

  14. No chess huh? No wonder that Sunnis comprise about 85% of the worlds Muslims and the Shia are only 15%.

    Perhaps someone will start a new strain of Shiite Islam: “The Chess Shiites”. Whoops, I think that I just committed a transgression in suggesting that. Of course, I’m a non-believer concerning religious matters…Oh oh, another transgression. What ever. Chess Roolz!

  15. No worries, Jesse. As one whose jobs have included copy editing ads for a well-known erectile dysfunction drug, I’ve seen worse typos than that.

  16. At least it is permissable to look in a mirror while doing it.

  17. That “temporary marriage” sounds a lot like prostitution to me. 🙂

  18. That “temporary marriage” sounds a lot like prostitution to me. 🙂

    I think that in Iran they actually do have a form of legalized prostitution based on that. Or so I’ve read. Supposedly clerics will temporarily marry 2 people, the guy will “support his wife financially”, they’ll consummate the “marriage”, and then the “temporary marriage” will expire.

  19. thoreau

    That’s pretty much the way I’ve heard it too. Is it a Shia thing, I wonder?

    But as long as there’s no wanking, eh? 🙂

  20. Okay, I just want to make sure I got it straight. As a good Muslim:

    I can:

    * hold my head under a shower for more then one minute
    * take pictures of dead bodies
    * kiss children
    * cornhole my wife as long as she says it’s okay, and we can use a mirror if we want.

    But I can’t:

    * wear gold
    * play the lottery
    * play chess
    * have female friends
    * shake hands with females
    * work with females
    * listen to music for entertainment
    * touch myself in front of my wife (but she can touch me, and give oral sex as long as there’s no baby batter leaked)

    Check.

  21. Question:What is an orgy?

    Answer:It’s forbidden.

    I don’t know why, but there’s just something funny about that.

  22. I think one way to look at the Shia faith is as an attempt to create a more “urban” version of Islam. Not necessarily a more liberal version, but rather one that fit better for people who had a history of living in developed, regulated civilizations. This contrasts with Sunni Islam, which at least originally was a religion crafted for desert tribes.

    The de jure (if not necessarily de facto) seperation of religious and political authority, the relatively established clerical hierarchy, the “election” of clerics, the greater degree of ritualism, the veneration of saint-like figures, all of these things seem tailored towards places where religion was seen as a distinct, elaborate social institution in addition to being a faith. The same holds for the almost absurd attempts at the micromanagement of daily activities by religious authorities. Think of Sistani and his ilk as being the religious equivalent of apartment co-op boards.

  23. Mr. Nice Guy:

    Check.

    Hey! Are you playing chess?

  24. “Question:Can I buy a second hand American car?

    Answer:No prohibition order has been issued by His Eminence.”
    What kind of spare ass question is that?

  25. Question:Is oral sex permissible between husband and wife?

    Answer:It’s allowed provided no liquid coming out swallowed.

    That sucks!

    I’m waiting for gaius marius to show up and explain that these strict rules are probably necessary to protect society from unbridled individualism.

  26. RB:

    Check, mate!

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