Signs That You're Living in a Jack Chick Comic

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When the New York Press ran a cover story called "The 52 Funniest Things About the Upcoming Death of the Pope," Press regular Alan Cabal resigned in protest. The twist: Cabal is a Satanist.

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  1. Jack Chick wouldn’t distinguish between Papists and Satanists–both are gonna wind up in the Lake of Fire.

  2. Sheesh, it’s sad when even disciples of the Man-Goat are sticking up for old fool Larry. Was it this bad when Mother Theresa croaked, I can’t remember.

  3. Kudos on the nightmare-inducing post title, Jesse.

  4. The fundies would say that it makes perfect sense when a Satanist resigns to protest slurs against the Pope.

  5. I don’t blame him. The top-50 list was just stupid and not funny.

    Except numbers 30 through 20 — some good ones clustered in there. Ditch #27 and you’ve got a decent Top 10 list.

  6. his resignation letter was wonderful with lines like:

    “It’s been two years now, and the New York Press has succeeded in only one thing: it has become precisely what we used to mock. Flip-flop-wearing Williamsburg hipsters with body odor babbling about MDMA and getting finger-fucked by tattooed anorexic women with black eyes and a voracious appetite for abuse.”

    LOL & ouch! — you should get’em to write for reason.

  7. This is one of the best-written rants I’ve seen in ages. I hate doing a simple cut and paste, but stuff like this needs to be spread around:

    Lightweights all, desperately striving to be dangerous while leaving open the possibility of some safe and secure upward mobility in the defanged world of mainstream media…

    It was a waste of paper, and a mere insult, not in the least bit challenging, to the city’s Roman Catholic population. He could have gone into P2, Marcinkus, and the assassination of John Paul I, but no, the lazy brat just ran off a stupid and ugly list that a 12 year old Marilyn Manson fan could have done better.

    Priceless stuff.

    And he’s right about the NY Press. Clearly a victim if its own success. I haven’t read it in about 3 years, so I had no idea all the interesting writers had left.

  8. Whatever happened to Rosemary’s baby, anyway?

  9. My favorite:

    “48.Whole world waiting until the last minute for a sudden improvement of his condition. Long lines of girls in the Philippines kneeling and praying. Catholics everywhere with ears pressed to radios, transfixed. Pope gives one last groan, spits, dies.”

    I never understood why personality cults totally ignore the inevitability of illness and death, especially for one who is quite elderly and had a tough life (Arafat comes to mind).

    “Yes, the old man was rushed to the hospital for the third consecutive time, coughing up blood, losing consciousness, and is mumbling to dead people.. but this is JUST A ROUTINE PROCEDURE.”

  10. jesus. al cabal on hit and run.

    set bless teh interweb.

  11. especially for one who is quite elderly and had a tough life

    Because if you’re Catholic, you’re supposed to respect the pain and suffering he’s going through to keep serving, instead of just retiring like us mere mortals would do. I find it a bit morbid myself.

  12. I admit ignorance as a former Catholic.. but is there even a retirement option for Popes, or is it assumed he will die in his slippers?

    It doesn’t make sense to me, either. How can people of such a large organization find it inspiring to see a man with barely enough energy to stay awake, much less hold himself up? I personally think it takes a lot of courage to acknowledge one’s limitations, and let someone else wear the funny hat.. but maybe I’m missing the point.

  13. Jack Chick is an American icon. His work stands as a beacon to all the world as a symbol of what one lone dedicated wacko can accomplish in the land of the free.

    Chick is a man (as far as I know) just begging to have his name besmirched. However, it is unseemly, unwarranted, and just plain wrong to associate him with this level of grade-school delinquency. So please, when invoking the name of Jack Chick, do so in a manner that acknowledges the dizzying heights of nuttiness the man has achieved.

  14. Signs That You’re Living in a Jack Chick Comic

    Look, I told you people: Just because I conduct ritual sacrifies doesn’t mean I play D&D.

  15. I admit ignorance as a former Catholic.. but is there even a retirement option for Popes, or is it assumed he will die in his slippers?

    As a current Catholic, I’m pretty sure the Pope has the option to step down — I think they were discussing this very possibility a few months ago. But for some reason, Popes never do.

  16. NY Press once challenged the Voice — now it can barely compete with the Onion.

    WTF? An Onion writer would be abughraibed for submitting that piece as a first draft.

  17. A pope can resign and apparently some have:

    http://www.saginaw.org/untener/writings/americaarticle.htm

    (Yeah, yeah, I know…the Diocese of Saginaw?!?)

  18. That top 50 list wasn’t worthy of a major publication, much less a 5th rate college newspaper. Not very funny.

  19. Back in the late ’70s, early ’80s, I was working at Herman Slater’s Magickal Childe in Chelsea peddling hoodoo supplies to a wide variety of occultniks here in New York. During moments of slack, we would alter Chick pamphlets with White-Out and fine-point markers, changing all references to “Jesus”, “God”, or “Lord” to “Beer.” Then we’d leave the tracts lying around in obscure corners of the shop.

    We had a lot of time on our hands in those days, and far too much dope.

    Speaking of dope, Koyen’s attempt at a response to my resignation is up in the Mail section at http://www.nypress.com. It’s pretty funny, kind of like watching a fly drown in a pot of glue.

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