"Super Bowl show vows to keep it clean"—and Tuneless

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Don't worry about wardrobe malfunctions at this year's Super Bowl. Instead, worry for your ears.

Organizers of the annual halftime debacle have foresworn Michael Novak's brilliantly insane notion of staging "a ten-year sequence of halftime shows that tell the great story of the Founding of our nation" and have instead dusted off the bloke who is rapidly becoming everyone's least favorite Beatle (if only because he is likely to live the longest), Sir Paul McCartney. (Ironically, wasn't it Paul's grandfather in Hard's Day Night who was emphatically clean?)

McCartney has darkened the interstice of the Super Bowl before, peforming his tuneless post-9/11 ditty "Freedom," a sonic bomb that makes Neil Young's "Let's Roll" seems like the second coming of "Hey Jude."

Other acts performing at halftime are John Fogerty (don't play the new album, John), Charlie Daniels (here's hoping he plays his great anti-ayatollah shoutout, "In America") and Alicia Keys.

Whole story here.

NEXT: Cheap Lone

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  1. It’s time to bring back the Beavis and Butthead Butt-a-thon.

  2. McCartney. Fogerty. Daniels. Keys?

    Um, is this gonna be like one of the “Highlights for Children” games where you have to pick out which one doesn’t belong? Granted I’d rather hear Vanilla Sky, Green River or Devil Went Down to Georgia than watch that nancy-boy Timberlake act like a rapist, but, still…what a wierd lineup.

    Not that I give a shit anyway. The Stupor Bowl is a mere prelude to the real reason to celebrate: Seth Macfarlane’s new ‘toon, American Dad.

  3. If I end up seeing Paul McCartney’s boob, I swear I’m going to start throwing things.

  4. As far as halftime shows go, this one has the potential to not be half bad. It sure beats Ashlee Simpson at the Oranage Bowl.

  5. No wonder Peter Bagge didn’t have a cartoon in the last issue.

  6. Anybody know of any good halftime festivities on other channels?

  7. Mr. Gillespie, what happened to Peter Bagge? I haven’t seen his strip in the print edition in a couple of months. I guess I have a soft spot for his stuff, being a fellow Seattleite.

  8. Note to all Bagge fans: Peter is doing longer strips for us now rather than monthly ones; his work will appear in around every third issue.

  9. Nick – I love Fogerty’s new album. It may be a tad mellow for the Super Bowl crowd, but I’d tune in to watch.

    And who the heck picked Charlie Daniels? That disgusting, old, fat, bigoted coot needs to drop off the planet.

  10. The Superbowl is great. It really clears out the stores, makes grocery shopping much more pleasant.

  11. The Stupid Bowl always thins the crowd at the golf course, making the easiest Sunday teetime of the year.

  12. Slider convinces me that Charlie Daniels needs to whip out Long Haired Country Boy and give everyone a heart attack. Getting drunk in the morning and stoned in the afternoon are not FCC-approved halftime activities……but Nick is prolly right about his likely song selection…..

  13. Doug’s more of a soccer/cricket type of guy.

  14. I’ll really miss the days when I could watch the halftime show to catch the brilliant songwriting and performing of Britney Spears, N’Sync and Nelly. How can they subject us to no-talent hacks like Paul McCartney and John Fogerty?

  15. Golf? SHOPPING? On SuperBowl Sunday?
    I weep for the future.

  16. Hear hear, aaron!!

  17. I seriously doubt anything will beat Ashlee Simpson at the Orange Bowl. Even before the capacity crowd booed her off the stage, it was already the most hilariously awful public event in years.

  18. Super Bowls have halftime shows?!?

  19. As a non-fan, I need to ask why football fans (whom you’d think this event caters to) put up with this shit? It’s like Star Wars fans who will line up for the next film regardless of the swill they downed on the last two outings. Where did the premise of doing a outdoor celebrity stroke-fest megaproduction stem from? Hell, it used to be marching bands.

  20. I think the halftime show is designed to bring in a more non-traditional football audience to big events like the Super Bowl, national championship, etc. The performers are also frequently signed to labels owned by the broadcaster.

    As for football fans themselves, we’re too drunk to change the channel by halftime, so we’re stuck.

  21. There’s always the Lingerie Bowl. $19.95 to hope some emaciated model’s boob pops out of her Wonderbra.

  22. Emaciated modes don’t have boobs.

  23. Emaciated models don’t have boobs.

  24. Emaciated models don’t have boobs.

    Modern science has produced faux boobage for the undernourished among us.

  25. As a football fan, I almost never watch the halftime show (depends who I’m watching the game with). I personally miss the old days when you could watch the In Living Color Halftime special and they ended it right before the game started. Thems were the days.

    My friend and I were talking about the halftime show last year and how we wwere a tad surprised at what happened, our conversation was more, “Wait, did we see a nipple?” (we were Tivoing the Lingerie Bowl). When his mom called outraged, we figured it was an isolated event, little did we know it would have earthshattering events.

    If McCartney wears his outfit from the “Say Say Say” video, that would be an wardrobe malfunction of epic proportions.

  26. The halftime show has been a joke for years – remember Shit-nia Twain lip-synching a couple of years back? And Britney Spears dueting with Steve Tyler? Shudder. Still, the most interesting line from the article is the following:

    “The NFL last week fired Los Lonely Boys, a Texas rock band scheduled to play at a league-organized concert the night before the game, after the group’s drummer was arrested for marijuana possession.”

    I guess nobody remembers Sir Paul’s 1980 Japan tour…

    http://www.taima.org/en/hemplib3.htm#mccartney

  27. I just want to state I’m proud of the fact that I prompted the word “boob” to appear in four straight H’n’R posts.

  28. I don’t like football but even I liked the In Living Color halftime show.

    I think Dave Chapelle should do a halftime show.

  29. This is the worst halftime show since they hired Chubby Checker back in the 80’s. However, if Daniels plays “Simple Man”, it could be the best:

    I ain’t nothin’ but a simple man
    They call me a redneck I reckon that I am
    But there’s things going on
    That make me mad down to the core.

    I have to work like a dog to make ends meet
    There’s crooked politicians and crime in the street
    And I’m madder’n hell and I ain’t gonna take it no more.

    We tell our kids to just say no
    Then some panty waist judge lets a drug dealer go
    Slaps him on the wrist and then he turns him back out on the town.

    Now if I had my way with people sellin’ dope
    I’d take a big tall tree and a short piece of rope
    I’d hang ’em up high and let ’em swing ’til the sun goes down

    Well, you know what’s wrong with the world today
    People done gone and put their Bible’s away
    They’re living by the law of the jungle not the law of the land
    The good book says it so I know it’s the truth
    An eye for and eye and a tooth for a tooth
    You better watch where you go and remember where you been
    That’s the way I see it I’m a Simple Man.

    Now I’m the kinda man that’d not harm a mouse
    But if I catch somebody breakin in my house
    I’ve got twelve guage shotgun waiting on the other side

    So don’t go pushing me against my will
    I don’t want to have to fight you but I dern sure will
    So if you don’t want trouble then you’d better just pass me on by

    As far as I’m concerned there ain’t no excuse
    For the raping and the killing and the child abuse
    And I’ve got a way to put an end to all that mess

    Just take them rascals out in the swamp
    Put ’em on their knees and tie ’em to a stump
    Let the rattlers and the bugs and the alligators do the rest

    You know what’s wrong with the world today
    People done gone and put their Bible’s away
    They’re living by the law of the jungle not the law of the land
    The Good Book says it so I know it’s the truth
    An eye for and eye and a tooth for a tooth
    You better watch where you go and remember where you been
    That’s the way I see it I’m a Simple Man

    Sweet!

  30. “…darkened the interstice of the Super Bowl???” How on earth is that even possible?

  31. I don’t care much for any of those acts, but they’re far better than the teeny-bopper crap they normally have. The time has come to stage a popular revolt against the saturation of the airwaves by music that no sane person over the age of twelve can tolerate. Rise up!

  32. Off topic, but on Beatles…

    Who’d a thunk that of all the Beatles, the one with the hottest-looking wife would have turned out to be Ringo?

  33. What, you got some problem with how Yoko looks?

  34. For those who care, the lingerie bowl was canceled this year. There’s some sort of Girls Gone Wild halftime special on instead though.

  35. Real men spend halftime in the bathroom.

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