MC Dubya

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Enough people have told me they were amused by this that I figured I'd cross post it here:

Among the most effective parts of President Bush's convention speech was the segment where he takes a few self deprecating pokes at some of the personal quirks and faults that people like to pick on. Not the substantive policy stuff, mind you, but the smirk and the verbal stumbles and so on. Even hardline Kerry voters of my acquaintance found this at least temporarily disarming, and one suggested that Bush must've taken a page from Bunny Rabbit's final rap-battle in the Eminem movie 8 Mile. Now that, I thought, is something I'd like to see. So, with apologies to Slim Shady, here's what I imagine that might sound like—it helps if you picture Cheney behind him scratching Toby Keith on a turntable:

Now everybody from the 212,
put your motherfuckin' hands up like your state ain't Blue,
everybody from the 212 put your motherfuckin' hands up.
Look, look,

I know they hate me like Obama
Chantin' "Why Iraq?" and "Where's Osama?"
Now it's my turn to bring the trauma,
Take the podium spittin' rhymes like a llama

1, 2, 3 and to the 4
1 PAC, 2 PACs, 3 PACs, 4,
4 PACs, 3PACs, 2PACs, 1,
You think MoveOn PAC drops science?
Check my swift vets, son.

John Kerry aint a motherfuckin' MC,
I know everything he's got to say against me,
I do swagger, I smirk like a chimp,
The New York Times used to call my dad a wimp,
I scope the marchers with my Fuji blimp,
I do got a Veep candidate named Dick,
Who calls his Halliburton peeps with contracts to pimp,
I know I sound in conversations
Like I'm still hitting libations
I don't speak French—or even English—like a smartie,
But I'm still standin' here screamin' "FUCK THE DONKEY PARTY!"
And never try and judge me dude
You don't know what the fuck I've been through.

But I know something about you,
You voted against funding troops and body armor too,
What's the matter dawg, you got no orbs?
This guys a populist?
His middle name's Forbes

And Johnny's only secondhand rich,
Spends ketchup benjamins from his eurotrash bitch,
This guy don't wanna battle, he's gonna balk,
Cuz ain't no such thing as a halfway hawk,
He's scared to death,
Knows he's a fuckin' phony
He wants you to forget his Winter Soldier testimony,
That his boy toy's a fuckin' trial lawyers' crony

Fuck the beat I'll go accapella,
Fuck Moore's doc, fuck Richard Clarke, fuck Air America's talk, fuck everybody,
Fuck y'all if you doubt me,
I'm a piece of fuckin white trash, I say it proudly,
And fuck this election, I don't wanna win, I'm outie,
Here, tell these people something they dont know about me.

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  1. OK, that’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in months. Thank you.

  2. Pure, unadulterated rocket fuel.

  3. I knew you had it in you. Especially liked the part about the ketchup benjamins from his eurotrash bitch. Genius, I say.

  4. That’s just awesome.

  5. Yes, it’s the most hilarious thing I’ve seen since … Michael Young’s Apocalypse Now parody a few posts down?

  6. As for myself, I’d like to do a Sixties montage of Kerry and Bush. Like, a minute of Sixties pictures of Kerry and Bush, together with scenes from Altamont, Woodstuff, the Summer of Love, Kerry’s Vietnam home movies, etc. Complete with a soundtrack featuring the Jefferson Airplane.

    Among the most effective parts of President Bush’s convention speech was the segment where he takes a few self deprecating pokes at some of the personal quirks and faults that people like to pick on.

    Yeah, he’s a better actor than Reagan. He’s actually been able to convince people he’s a Texan.

  7. Lonewacko,
    The Daily Show did one of those during the Swifties. Occasionally they’ll bust a gartuitous one out. The best is they usually cue up “All Along the Watchtower” (or some other iconic 60s song) before the video montage.

  8. Don’t give up your day job.

  9. I read only the part about people being amused by his self-deprecating remarks.

    I wasn’t disarmed. I didn’t find it cute. I found it phony as hell. Stuck in. So obviously manipulative that I can’t imagine anyone but a true-believer would swallow that stuff.

    The speech which _really_ made me want to vomit was his wife’s. All that “he anguishes at night-he cares about suffering people” cr@p.

    I wonder if he had a bad night’s sleep before the execution of Carla Faye Tucker.

  10. That was funny. Thanks.

  11. “Don’t give up your day job.”

    Agreed.

  12. Well, technically, this IS my day job.

  13. You’re quick.

  14. Well, technically, this IS my day job.

    I guess they’re saying they want more!

  15. “And Johnny’s only secondhand rich”

    Bush should be the last one to talk about this subject. Gas pump benjamins from his country-club pops.

    “I’m a piece of fuckin white trash”

    If only that was true. Unfortunately, Bush combines the worst tendencies of Texas trailer trash with those of New England blue-blood.

    Anyway, nice parody. Almost as funny as Michael Young’s.

  16. Enough people have told me

    Yeah… well… those people were dumbasses.

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