Fred Ward, Call Your Agent!


Michael Young's recent musings on James Bond point to a glaring gap in John Kerry's otherwise exhaustive effort to transform himself into John F. Kennedy. Where JFK1 famously based his personal style (and much of his foreign policy) on enthusiastic readings of Ian Fleming's books, Kerry has yet to choose a favorite book series. What's he going to come up with? Harry Potter won't make the cut. (Harry doesn't go to Yale.) Lemony Snicket doesn't have the necessary gravitas. I haven't read the Left Behind books, but I can't imagine they offer much hope for Democrats. Sue Grafton's "P Is For Psycho" series, maybe? Stephen King's unending Dark Tower books might be a possibility, but I don't think even King has read those.

But the key to Kerry's book series choice may be found in what Nick Gillespie called his "Harley-riding, chopper-piloting, reporter-threatening efforts to show executive manliness." Think about it: the x-treme biking, the space traveling, the snowboarding, the para-surfing, the TSA-tweaking in-cabin quarterbacking—it all points to one conclusion. The he-man from Beacon Hill needs beachside reading fit for an iron-skinned superman: It's Remo Williams, The Destroyer, or nothing.

NEXT: Ban Ali G?

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  1. Remo Williams was pretty damn cool, in fact. The movie was…OK, just plain lame, but they should have tried again with an RW2. There was even a series that lasted for (IIRC) one whole episode.


    How about Chiun for Prez?

  2. Kerry has not yet tried rock-climbing or ‘boarding. (As in skateboarding, perhaps with special guest coach Avril Lavigne. Oh, wait, she’s Canadian.)

  3. Kerry ain’t cool enough to use the Dark Tower [I like the series and don’t care what you think].

  4. I second the Dark Tower preference…Kerry couldn’t use it because Roland always heads to the tower, whereas Kerry would tunr around about 8 times before he decided what to do.

  5. Not to mention that the Dark Tower series will actually wrap up with VII coming out this September…

  6. If Kerry really were shanty Irish he could have glommed onto Robert Parker’s Spenser, (with Madeline Albright as Susan, and the Rev. Al as Hawk?) Seeing as how he’s actually a Brahmin from a down-at-the-heels branch of the Winthrops, that won’t do.

    He likes boats. Maybe he can model himself on Travis McGee? He already seems Pale Gray For Guilt.


  7. Like Chiun would put up with John Kerry for one freaking chapter…

  8. Does anybody get the sinking suspicion that Dick Cheney works for the Crimson King? Perhaps we invaded Iraq because there’s a lot somewhere in Fallujah with a beautiful Rose growing in it. Yeah, I know, the Rose is in an abandoned lot in NYC, but that’s only in one particular world. In this world the Rose’s projection might be located anywhere.

    And strangely enough, I’m not even high as I type this.

  9. Chiun doesn’t have to put up with The Emperor. The Emperor makes gifts to the Master of Sinanju, and the Master puts his student at the Emperor’s disposal. Remo is probably globetrotting as we speak, hunting down bin Laden. Once he catches him, he can stash him somewhere, until Chiun decides it is time to give him to The Emperor.

    Which Emperor that is probably depends on who is giving the nicer gifts. I’d suggest a complete DVD set of Chiun’s favorite soap. Bush better hope the Master liked what he got him when Remo found Saddam!


  10. That only brings up the eternal question on such suppositions. Was the rose safer with Saddam in charge? The lot may have been the site for the next palace once Kofi and Son brought in some more cash.

  11. So there are Dark Tower readers! No disrespect was intended. I love the King of Horror; I’ve just never known of anybody who actually took the plunge on that series, and could never bring myself to start a series that always seemed to be on its 306th installment or so. Is it any good?

  12. One thing I do have to hand Kerry: His form in the various x-treme sports he loves to be seen doing is pretty goddamned good. I’m sure we’re only seeing the most flattering photographs, but his technique on the snowboard, windsurfboard, etc., are far better than I would have expected from a man of his age and Lurch-like physique.

  13. Kennnedy was cool (at least to this Gen Xer) because he combined the football playing energy with hanging with the Rat Pack and having hot chicks sing happy birthday to him.

    Kerry just exercises like the dweebie fringin’ boomer that he is.

  14. Does anybody get the sinking suspicion that Dick Cheney works for the Crimson King?

    Better than the King in Yellow, I suppose…

  15. Bush seems to be into extreme sports, too, since he rides his vehicles hard enough that he’s falling off of them.

    The Washington Post just dubbed the contender as “John F. Kerry” today in it’s front-page. This is the first time I’ve seen this. I didn’t even know his middle name began with an F. Why don’t they stop fucking around and call him “John F. Kerridan”. He can then thicken up his Bostonian accent (if he has one), with a lot of “erm-a..erma-a..erma-a”.

  16. First things first: The Dark Tower is a great series. Roland would slap the shit out of Kerry. JFK2 long ago forgot the(horse)face of his father. Hell, I think Oy would even take a shot at him. Of course, it would be even better if Roland and the gang could meet Bush, Kerry and Nader in one place: the Dark Tower 8-Bitch-slapping of the Three.
    I actually enjoyed the Remo Williams movie, but somehow missed that there is a book series. I’ll be ordering my copy later today.

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