Now We Know the Real Reason for German Aggression

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German penises, reports Ananova, are too small for condoms approved by the European Union.

This sort of dispute makes the EU battles over brewing standards and other local practices seem positively quaint.

[Courtesy of reader John Feerick]

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  1. “After all, they have also ruled EU standard condoms should be able to hold 18 litres of fluid without breaking, which also seems a bit excessive.'”

    Just a bit.

  2. This gives all new meaning to the term euro-weenies.

  3. is the 18 litres for testing standards or just in case they have to hold horse semen?

  4. Is Peter North chairman of the EU now???

  5. If the Germans are 5.75 inches, and the average is 6.75 inches, then which EU group is at 7.75 inches?

    Actually, with Germany having such a large population, perhaps it’s a smaller country which is skewing the curve with much bigger proportions.

    How ARE those Portugeus putting out those forest fires, anyway?

  6. Urologist Gunther Hagler, head of the team compiling the research, said: “By checking hundreds of patients we found German penises were too small for standard EU condoms.

    “On average they were 14.48 cms long and 3.95 cms wide. That makes them much smaller than the EU standard condom size of 17 cms in length and 5.6 cms in width.”

    He denied the German man was any smaller than the rest of Europe, adding: “We think the EU has got its sums wrong, and if other countries were to check out their men’s assets they would find the EU has made a mistake in its calculations.

  7. Of course France has the EU’s largest avg. penis size. Which is why the Germans are really upset.

  8. As they demonstrated with bananas, the eurocrats will have to regulate the curvature to define the proper “Euro-weenie” in all its glory.

  9. I still wonder how many EU countries are regretting their choice of joining the Union… and if they could leave the Union now by peacefull means.

  10. LB,

    What, as opposed to the US trying to force the world to use their damn turtle-friendly TEDs? Not to mention America’s idiotic obsession with protecting dophins dumb enough to be caught in a seine net!

  11. Anon @ 4:09,

    About the same % of those in the US who wish they could secede peacefully. 🙂

  12. The most likely explanation is that all Euros have little peckers, but the EU is worried that, when Euro women get jungle fever and start opting en masse for African winkie-dinkie-dongs, Euro condoms simply won’t be big enough…

  13. Inaccurate self-reporting is thought by researchers to be a serious problem worldwide. See http://www.sizesurvey.com for more details.

  14. Brad S.,

    Wow, it took only twelve posts for some to post a racist screed.

  15. Jean Bart – it’s a joke about penis size, sort of like the whole issue of EU condom regulations is a joke (come to think of it, the EU itself is something of a joke). Lighten up.

  16. Brad S.,

    Next you will tell me is that Bull Connor was just having fun with those protestors. BTW, why would I “ligten up” about racism?

    How do Americans reduce unemployment?
    Answer: By prosecuting oral sex.

    Americans, the “Cheez-Whiz-eating oil addicts.”

  17. brugesgroup.com

    the eu is awful for many reasons. the above link outlines and exposes (since we’re talking about The Captain here) many of the problems.

  18. Jean: I know the French are bigger pricks, perhaps the EU just confused the two?

    This also explains that funny nazi salute! And kind of Freudian extension?

  19. One of the nice things about posting to REASON is that usually no one takes offense to tongue-in-cheek comments that are intended as jokes. In other words, REASON posters are thick-skinned enough to handle said jokes, ergo REASON is pretty much free of PC pansies who whine and take offense easily on any number of topics. I see now, however, that there are exceptions to this.

    By the way, I can do better on the jokes about Americans…

    What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
    “Multilingual”.

    What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
    “Bilingual”.

    What do you call someone who speaks one language?
    “An American”.

    How many American tourists does it take to change a light bulb?

    Fifteen. Five to figure out how much the bulb costs in the local currency, four to comment on “how funny-looking” local lightbulbs are, three to hire a local person to change the bulb, two to take pictures, and one to buy postcards in case the pictures don’t come out.

    An American attending a formal ceremony in Britain listens as the formalities end with the singing of “God Save the Queen”. As a reception begins afterwards, he strolls up to one of his British acquaintances and accosts her with a musical observation.

    “That was a very nice song you folks just sang, but it wasn’t very inventive of you to use that particular tune.”

    The Brit looks at him quizically and asks. “What do you mean? That’s always been “God Save the Queen.”

    “Well,” the American replied, “I guess you Brits don’t even realize how much you owe us Americans. The words were new, but that tune was clearly plagiarized from our “My Country, ‘Tis of Thee”.

  20. You’d think that with socialized medicine they could manage to “raise the bar” by providing free enlargement surgery 😉

    It’s bad enough that new EU entrants have to meet certain fiscal and monetary requirements. Now their male citizens have to drop their pants and use rulers to make sure a standard-issue EU condom will fit.

    If the EU decides to standardize bra sizes as well as condoms and demands that all female citizens “measure up”, I will be only too happy to go to Scandanavia and personally measure (by hand) the Nordic ladies 😉

  21. After seeing all those Mercedes, Porches, Audis, and BMW sports cars, I now know why they make them so sweet!

    Now why do American men have such a fascination with guns?

  22. mooserack,

    A lot of the stuff I see there as I glance through the links is the same paranoid non-sense I’ve seen argued about European integration ever since the Treaty of Rome was signed.

    First of all, let’s tackle one myth about the EU – that is unaccountable. It is quite accountable. Which is why people elect MEPs. In fact, what one has seen over the 1990s is a welcome politicization of the European Parliament, as people actually become involved in what happens there. Even the anti-globalization crowd’s antics prove this.

    As to the issue of “free speech,” one can only say that the issue is largely over a paranoid misreading of Article 54. Furthermore, for the British, especially Thatcherites, with their “Secrets Acts,” to accuse others of limiting free speech, is a bit of hypocrisy.

  23. Brad S.,

    I have zero tolerance for racism. Sorry if that bothers you.

  24. Jean Bart – no sweat. I guess as a guy who’s half-black, half-white, I’ve learned to treat race as no big deal, but I should realize the reality is that I live in a society that is still pathologically obsessed with race.

  25. Brad S.,

    The only one obsessed with race here is you; which is why you made your original comment in the first place.

  26. Brad S.,

    To be frank, its rather bizarre that you would reach so quickly for the age-old myth concerning the so-called African desire to fuck white women, which has been the source of trouble (as well as death) since it started.

    Maybe you need to sit down and listen to “Strange Fruit” sometime.

  27. Jean Bart – I guess because the article deals with stereotypes about penis size, and the whole jungle fever, black man / white woman thing is the first thing that jumps into my mind. I suppose that’s at least partially because I am the product of such an arrangement.

    I’ll check out “Strange Fruit” sometime.

  28. Brad S, mulatto? I want pictures!!

  29. “Strange Fruit”

    Southern trees bear strange fruit,
    Blood on the leaves and blood at the root,
    Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze,
    Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees.

    Pastoral scene of the gallant south,
    The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth,
    Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh,
    Then the sudden smell of burning flesh.

    Here is fruit for the crows to pluck,
    For the rain to gather, for the wind to suck,
    For the sun to rot, for the trees to drop,
    Here is a strange and bitter cry.

    Billie Holiday sung it originally; the covers generally suck (UB40’s isn’t too bad though, but I can’t stand the one by that idiot Tori Amos).

  30. “Ah, is gleat honor to talk to American. You Americans have ENORMOUS penis. Japanese penis very small. Can do nothing with such small penis.”

  31. Black bodies swinging in the southern breeze,
    Strange fruit hanging from the poplar trees.

    Pastoral scene of the gallant south,
    The bulging eyes and the twisted mouth,
    Scent of magnolias, sweet and fresh…

    Right, because we all know that racism originated in the American south. And no one got lynched anywhere else.

    Good example. You’ve really encapsulated the worldwide problem of racism.

    See also: Autobiography of Malcom X, writings of Langston Hughes, Europe c. 1939-45, etc., etc…

  32. Anon @ 6:01,

    Hmm, did I write that only racism exists in the American South, or even imply such? No. Get your head out of your ass.

  33. Warum es die Deutschen war, die das leistungsf?higste von phallic Symbolen erfanden: (die Rakete U-2.)

    TRANSLATION:
    Why was it the Germans who invented the most powerful of phallic symbols: (The U-2 rocket.)

  34. (Bill Gates und seine Frau sind auf ihrem Honeymoon.)

    Mrs Gates ruft, “Amperestunde aus! Ist that, warum Sie nannten es Mikroweiche!”

    TRANSLATION:
    (Bill Gates and his wife are on their honeymoon.)

    Mrs. Gates exclaims, “Ah! Is that why you called it Micro Soft!”

  35. A Frenchman is having his petit dejeuner (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a German, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

    The Frenchman ignores the German who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

    The German: “You French folk eat the whole bread?”

    The Frenchman (in a bad mood): “Of course.”

    German: (after blowing a huge bubble) “We don’t. In Germany, we only eat what is inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to France.” (The German has a sarcastic smirk on his face.)

    The Frenchman listens in silence.

    The German insists: “Do you eat jelly with the bread?”

    The Frenchman: “Of course.”

    The German: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling) “We don’t. In Germany we eat fresh fruit for breakfast. Then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to France.”

    The Frenchman then asks: “And what do you do with condoms once you’ve used them?”

    German: “Why, we throw them away, of course.”

    Frenchman: “We don’t. In France, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to Germany.”

  36. Brad, you made a joke about the size of black men’s penises, and jungle fever. What did you expect, a Toastmaster’s award? This is 2003, and the only jokes about those subjects that are vaguely funny to anyone with more than a 5th grade education revolve around making fun of people who still believe that shit.

  37. Q: Why are Parisian boulevards lined with beautiful trees?

    A: So the Bundeswehr can march in the shade.

    Jean Bart – is that a hate crime under the new EU constititution?

    By the way, why is your new constitution so long? Just wondering.

  38. So now we know why Ahnold is running.

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