Rambo IV: The Orwellian Irony

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England's Sun is reporting that Sly Stallone is gearing up for Rambo IV, in which everyone's favorite psycho Vietnam vet will take on Osama bin Laden and his band of Islamic radicals in Afghanistan.

How times have changed. When last seen chewing up scenery on the big screen (1988), Rambo was fighting with Islamic radicals in Afghanistan, against the Soviet invaders of that outpost of freedom.

Rambo IV is due out sometime next year. If–or perhaps I should say whenRambo IV tanks in theaters, Sly can turn to his other moribund Cold War series to inflict more patriotic gore on the few fans he has left. Rocky VI is reportedly in production, too. Need we point out that the Italian Stallion's last great opponent, in 1990's Rocky V, was a Russkie brute? With the possible exceptions of Mikhail Gorbachev and Goodwill Games inventor Ted Turner, perhaps no other internatial celebrity has taken the Cold War's demise more squarely on the chin than Stallone.

In any case, we await Rambo V, in which our hero fights on behalf of Airstrip One and Eurasia against Eastasia. And Rambo VI, in which he fights on behalf of Eastasia and Eurasia against Airstrip One.

[Note: As reader Charlie Giotta has helpfully pointed out, it's 1985's Rocky IV that deals with the Russkie; Rocky V is a properly post-Cold War epic, in which Mr. Balboa takes on his former protege from Philly rather than a Soviet punching machine. Apologies.]

NEXT: Steve Allen, Where Art Thou?

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  1. If you want a blockbuster movie, have the script pit Rambo against one of our current allies, preferably one that we are arming today, perhaps Colombia. If history is any guide (we armed Iraq and Afghanistan) the studio can just hold the film, and release it just as we prepare to invade that ally.

    No wait, if the copywright is only author’s life plus 75 years plus 20…. I wouldn’t want the film industry driving us to war before to maintain its monopoly.

  2. Surely you mean Eurasia, East Asia, and Oceania. Airstrip One was just a district within the larger hyperstate of Oceania.

    Or at least, that’s what they want us to believe.
    –G

  3. Er, Mountain Goat, maybe you should get your facts straight?

    “We” (e.g. the United States) did not arm Iraq. I would be astonished if you could name one item from the US inventory used by that country. If you go back and look, you’ll see an assortment mainly from the Soviet Union, China, North Korea, and France.

    Ditto for Afghanistan. The most we sent over there were the Stinger missles, which are useless now.

    On a less serious note, I say we sic Rambo on the French. A single (formerly) psychotic “Nam” vet probably _could_ take out the entire “force du frappe” of those cheese-munching surrender monkeys. 🙂

  4. That’s “cheese-EATING surrender monkeys”. If yer gonna quote the Simpsons, get it right!! hnyuk hnyuk :p

  5. Maybe he could take on NK’s Dear Leader in Rocky VI. It’s said the guy likes movies. Maybe we could cut a deal – give us the nukes, you can be in Rocky VI.

    That would actually be pretty funny to see, I think. A badly aging Rocky v. the Dear Leader.

  6. Rocky IV’s villian is a Russian communist. In Rocky V, the villiam is Tommy Gunn, an up-and-coming fighter that Rocky manages at first, but then beats up in a climactic street fight after Gunn turns evil.

    Rocky IV – Greatest movie around.
    Rocky V – let’s forget it ever happened.

  7. Doesn’t Stallone himself chide Americans for having a love affair with the gun? I seem to remember reading somewhere that he thinks we should all just be disarmed. It seems a touch hypocritical for him to continue to profit from something he beleives is so very, very wrong. Maybe he beleives we should make an exception allowing “psycho vietnam vets” to be armed, thus sparing himself the embarrassment of having to explain the inconsistency.

  8. Ahhhh! I mean believes! And I did it twice!

  9. I’m waiting for “Rambocky” – a film that pits Rocky against Rambo.

  10. With regards to Casey Tompkins, we did plenty to arm Iraq with their stockpile of NBC weapons as outlined in the 1994 Senate Report, “U.S. Chemical and Biological Exports to Iraq and Their Possible Impact on the Health Consequences of the Persian Gulf War” along with the 1992 Senate report, “United States Export Policy Toward Iraq Prior to Iraq’s Invasion of Kuwait.” The latter report details a great number of nasty substances exported to Iraq, including unattenuated forms anthrax, E. Coli, and boutilism (among other things) along with many dual-use technologies employed in the development of their nuclear program.

  11. Josh: God forbid.
    Tuning_Spork: Please forgive me, I’ll try to be more accurate in the future. 🙂

    Steve: only moderately correct. Most, if not all, of the items you specifically metion are “dual-use” items; for example, the biological stuff was for agriculture. Oh, you missed one: we “supplied Saddam with nerve gas”, which sounds nasty until you find out that we supplied him with insecticide production facilities, which can be converted to nerve gas production. Which, by the way, is where the original nerve gases in the 1930’s came from…

    Besides, as far as I know, Iraq has not used Anthrax, E. Coli., botulism, nor nuclear weapons to attack her neighbors. They have, however, used French fighters, Soviet tanks and ammuntion, and South African artillery.

    But we are getting serious again! How about a “crossover” between Rambo & the Keanu Reeves movie “Hardball?”

    Rambo mentors a bunch of inner-city kids who hot-wire a half-dozen C-135s that the ‘gangstas’ fly to Iraq, where they then proceed to create new felonies like tank-jacking and drive-by city busting. I mean they shoot up _the whole city_!… Probably with an AC-135.

    The climax of the movie is when gang leader Chris Rock bitch slaps Saddam. Or is that “Blankman?” (“Well slap me around and call me ‘Susan'”)

    Hmmm. That’s probably more Rambo meets “I’m Gonna Git You, Sucka!”. heh.

    Ahh, fuggedaboutit. Harlan Ellison nailed it back when “Rambo II” came out: all those long, loving closeups of leather and oiled muscles… Yikes.

    Which is one more reasons that Islamic conservatives don’t like the U.S. 🙂

  12. change the title. I wish it would called Rambo: The Force Of Freedom.

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