I'm Arianna Huffington, the reigning queen of the Commentariat, equally famous for my disastrous Lady Macbeth routine with my bazillionaire former husband and my zany publicity stunts, such as appearing in a bed with Al Franken on Comedy Central and dry-humping unsuspecting homeless men.
My latest splash is running ads that link SUVs to terrorism. Modeled on those truly disturbing government ads linking illegal drug use to terrorism—the sort of propaganda better suited to a Stalinist campaign against the kulaks—my commercials ask instead, "Oil money supports some terrible things. What kind of mileage does your SUV get?"
"This campaign is not designed to demonize SUV owners," I told the Associated Press. Just their choice in cars. I know the real reason why more people don't buy compact cars: They're too stupid to see through Detroit's sinister designs.
After all, it couldn't be that they need the space, or the four-wheel drive, or that they just like the way SUVs look and feel. Trust me, as a bona fide limousine liberal, I know more than you do. Especially about cars.