Who Am I?

Alfred E. Neuman

I'm Alfred E. Neuman, the 47-year-old and remarkably adaptable mascot of Mad magazine.

Over the years, I've run for president more unsuccessfully—and less comically—than real pols such as Harold Stassen and Bob Dole.

Maybe it was my political ambitions that made me and my creators such a longstanding target of J. Edgar Hoover's FBI, which kept tabs on the "usual gang of idiots" at Mad from the late '50s through the early '70s. Or maybe it was the openly subversive material put out by Dave Berg, a.k.a. Roger Kaputnik. Or maybe it was the obvious gags such as "J. Edgar Hoover Tonic," printing $3 bills with my mug on them, or the apparent moral relativism of Spy vs. Spy (created by a real-life Castro refugee).

Whatever the reason, it's good to know that the feds had time enough on their hands to go after me even while spying on the likes of Lucille Ball (her hair wasn't the only thing that was red), Frank Sinatra, and John Wayne.

The worst part of such mindless government activity? It detracted from legitimate efforts to understand and combat the Soviet Union and international communism when it really was a threat to life and liberty. Oh well, at this late date in post-history, when we've got new threats to deal with, it's almost tempting to just shrug and mumble, "What, me worry?"