United States Census 2000

Extra Long, Dumb, Paranoid Form

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This is the official form for all of the people at this address. It is as quick and easy as a death row appeal, and your answers are protected by the law of diminishing returns. Complete the Census and help your community get more of what it needs: huge piles of useless, uncollated paper moldering in some Beltway basement.

On average, about one in every six households will receive this long form. And on average, about one in every three households that returns this form will receive a surprise midnight visit from armed federal marshals.

Start Here. Please respond in pen.

The ink you are using is
_ Black
_ Blue
_ Caucasian
_ Hispanic
_ Asian
_ Samoan
_ Other

How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, mobile home, or cardboard box on April 1, 2000?

Number of people _ _

INCLUDE in this number:

  • any children making running shoes in the basement sweatshop
  • that guy who's been asleep on the couch for the last two days

DO NOT INCLUDE in this number:

  • imaginary friends
  • the spirit of the homicidal 4,000-year-old Hittite demon you've been channeling

List of Persons
(or, in your case, Personalities)

Please print the names of all the people you indicated in Question 2 who were living or staying here on April 1, 2000–or at least sharing the same needles. Start with the person, or one of the people, living here who owns, is buying, or rents this house. If there is no such person, invent one. Your community needs more federal tax dollars!


Next, answer questions about Person 1.

Person 1–your answers are important! Every person in the Census counts–unless they attended a public school, in which case they may not be able to.

What is this person's name? We know you already listed it earlier, but we're federal employees, for God's sake. You think we're going to lift a finger when we don't have to?

What is this person's telephone number? We may contact this person if we need to help fulfill an Immigration & Naturalization Service enforcement quota.

What is this person's sex? Mark ONE box.

_ Male
_ Female
_ Janet Reno

What is this person's age in years?

Age on April 1, 2000: _ _

What is this person's age in dog years?

Age on April 1, 2000: _ _

NOTE: Please answer BOTH of the following questions. One answer may be more fun for us to pass around the office or tack on the lunchroom bulletin board.

Is this person Spanish/Hispanic/Latino?

_ No, but prefers Menudo to Ricky Martin as a solo act
_ Yes, but would like to forget about Menudo

What is this person's race? Mark ONE or more races to indicate what handouts you hope to qualify for.

_ Dead white European male
_ Person of color
_ Person of many colors
_ Person of one color but let's call it a Rainbow Coalition anyway
_ Samoan
_ Angry Samoan

If Japanese, indicate what type of containment windows you prefer if it should be-come necessary–again–to use this information to lock you in an internment camp during wartime:

_ Barred
_ Unbreakable wire mesh

What is this person's marital status?

_ Now married
_ Widowed
         If so, caused by
         _ Death
         _ Football
_ Separated
_ Limbs separated from trunk, sealed in jumbo-size freezer
             bags and ready for night burial
_ Never married
         If so,
         _ Too smart
         _ Too ugly
         _ Both

At any time since February 1, 2000, has this person attended regular school or college?

_ No
_ Yes
_ I attended a regular school or college and thus am unable to comprehend this question

If yes, did he or she make it through

_ The school year
_ The school day
_ The metal detector

What is the highest degree or level of school this person has COMPLETED?

_ Doctorate degree (for example, "Dr. Mom")
_ Professional degree (for example, "Welcome to McDonald's,
          may I take your order please?")
_ Master's degree (for example, the one that allows Kathie Lee
          Gifford to own slaves)
_ Bachelor's degree (for example, Richard Simmons)
_ Associate degree (don't bother, nobody cares)
_ 1 or more years of college, mostly drugs
_ Some college credit but less than 1 year, mostly alcohol
_ High school diploma or the equivalent (for example,
         "Would you like some fries with that?")
_ 12th grade, no diploma (see: loser)
_ 11th grade, knocked up (see: loser with boyfriend)
_ 10th grade, rag soaked with airplane glue stuck on face
_ 9th grade, killed along with other freshmen in bizarre
         hazing accident
_ 7th or 8th grade, then straight to Kathie Lee's sweatshop
_ 5th or 6th grade, then straight to Congress
_ Nursery school to 4th grade (i.e., human resources manager)
_ No schooling completed (may run as candidate for either
         major party)

Is this person a CITIZEN of the United States?

_ Yes, born in the United States
_ Yes, born on an inner tube within swimming distance of Miami
_ Not really, but what the hell, Yes

Does this person have any of his/her own grandchildren under the age of 18 living in this house or apartment?

_ Well, somebody is stealing the change out of my dresser drawer
_ Don't know, never go near the basement except to slide
         table scraps under the door

How long has this grandparent been responsible for the(se) grandchild(ren)?

_ 5 years or more
_ 1 to 4 years
_ Since they were pushed from a moving convertible onto
         the front lawn this morning

Has this person ever served on active duty in the

_ U.S. Army?
_ Salvation Army?
_ Kiss Army?

Just in case this person ever does serve in the military, their preferred policy toward gays is

_ Don't ask, don't tell
_ Don't ask, but do tell

In total, how many years of active-duty military service has this person had?

_ 2 years or more
_ Less than 2 years
_ Less than 2 months
_ Gulf War (2 weeks)
_ Grenada (2 days)

During the past 4 weeks, has this person been looking for

_ Work
_ Food
_ Their "Will Work For Food" sign

When did this person last work, even for a few days?

_ 1995 to 2000
_ 1994 or earlier, or never worked, or worked in Post Office
         or for Census Bureau

How many nonfunctioning automobiles, vans, or trucks are rusting on blocks in your front yard?

_ 1 to 2
_ 3 to 5
_ 6 or more
         If so, do they contain
         _ Old clothes
         _ Old clothes on dead bodies

Are there more people living here? If yes, continue with Person 2.

How is this person related to Person 1?

_ Husband/wife
_ Brother/sister
_ Husband/wife AND brother/sister
_ Other relative–print exact relationship and position
         on evolutionary tree

If NOT RELATED to Person 1:

_ Roomer, boarder
_ Moocher, lowlife
_ Other nonrelative
_ Nonhuman
_ Ex-wife

For Person 2 and Persons 3-6, repeat all previous questions, only at gunpoint.

Thank you for completing your official U.S. Census form. If there are more than six people at this address, the Census Bureau may contact you for more information about these people, or if we are really, really busy that day, we may let our friends at the INS, the FBI, or the BATF handle it for us.

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