The rap group Cypress Hill isn't into music about shooting cops or referring to women as females of the canine species or gardening tools. No, they rap about getting stoned on marijuana. That's been enough to propel them to the top of the record charts. But it hasn't won them any friends in law enforcement. Said Glen Levant, a former Los Angeles Police Department deputy chief, "It's not inconceivable that these guys could be cited for aiding and abetting a criminal act."

In Ohio, state Rep. Vermont Sykes has demanded that President Clinton appoint a minority to the U.S. marshal's job in Cleveland because, he says, the position has always been held by a white male. Sykes seemed a bit confused when he was informed that the current marshal, Albert Moore, is black. Or maybe Moore just doesn't count because he's a Republican appointed by George Bush.

Looking to sell or lease a house? The Seattle Post-Intelligencer provides a list of words that, when used in classified ads, might lead to discrimination suits under the Fair Housing Act. Among them: senior discount, mature, Christian, or executive. I guess this means there are no mature minority executives.

Meanwhile, the citizens of Alabama have trouble with a capital T. That rhymes with B. And that stands for Baptists. According to an official county-by-county estimate from the Southern Baptist Church, 46 percent of Alabamans are going to hell unless they repent and get saved.

Meanwhile, in Canada, authorities seized two books by feminist author Andrea Dworkin that were en route to a book store. The books allegedly violate Canada's antiporn law, which incorporates the legal theories of Dworkin and Catharine MacKinnon.

In Washington, D.C., Mario Cuomo's son Andrew proved that he is a chip off the old blockhead. The younger Cuomo, an assistant secretary of housing and urban development, complained to aides that his desk kept trembling. They opened a drawer and found Cuomo's pager, which vibrates when activated, displaying a dozen unanswered phone calls.

Talk about cradle-to-grave socialism. In Stockholm, a woman lay dead in her apartment for three years while government computers automatically paid her pension and her bills. Her body was finally discovered when her landlord, after repeated attempts to talk to her about renovating the apartment, had police knock down the door.

Americans are voting with their pocketbooks, but politicians don't seem to be listening. Fewer than 18 percent of taxpayers earmarked a dollar for the presidential-campaign fund this year. Congress has reacted to this situation by tripling (to $3.00) the amount people may check off.

The Snapple Beverage Corp. has started a publicity campaign to counter rumors that the company is affiliated with the Ku Klux Klan. The rumors, which aren't true, claim that the small k that appears on Snapple labels stands for the Klan. The k, in fact, stands for kosher. And knowledgeable rumor mongers everywhere know that its presence indicates that a company is paying tribute to the Zionist conspiracy that rules the world.

In New Hampshire, James Hooper has filed a wrongful arrest suit against the city of Nashua. Hooper was stopped by police as he left the restaurant where he worked. They were about to let him go when they discovered what they said was cocaine on the ground where he was stopped. Hooper was unable to make bail and spent 64 days in jail before the police finally got around to testing the powder. It was baking soda.