Seattle rock promoters have discovered a way to deal with rowdy crowds. Before shows and between musical acts, the cameras of an arena's giant-screen television are trained on the audience. Inevitably, girls in the throng bare their breasts for the cameras. The sight of 50-foot breasts always seems to have a soothing effect on the crowd. So much for that "porn causes violence" theory.

Former jockey Willie Shoemaker was left paralyzed after an auto accident a couple of years ago that authorities blamed on his drunk driving. Of course, he has now sued the state of California for negligence for failing to put up guard rails on the stretch of highway where he crashed.

Can an 8-year-old with Down's syndrome who has an I.Q. of 59 and a mental age of less than 4, who is not toilet trained, whose speech is unintelligible, and who persists in loud behavior be appropriately educated in a regular classroom without disrupting the rest of the children? A federal court in New Jersey says yes and has ordered the Clementon School District to "mainstream" Rafael Oberti.

In his attempt to improve the health of Californians, Gov. Pete Wilson has issued an executive order banning smoking in a number of public places, including death row. Gee, we wouldn't want condemned murderers to die a wasting death from cancer.

Worldwide, shark attacks on surfers and kayakers have increased dramatically over the last decade. Scientists put the blame on endangered species laws enacted in the 1970s. These laws led to an explosion in the number of sea turtles living near shore. Sharks are particularly fond of sea turtles and come into shallow water to catch them. But the predators can't distinguish between humans and sea turtles, so surfers wind up as shark snacks.

Harry Ross of Skokie, Illinois, runs a mail-order business called Soitenly Stooges, which deals in memorabilia from the comic threesome. He recently relocated to Highland Park and erected an eight-foot-tall sign depicting Moe, Larry, and Curly. But two Town Council members want to force him to remove the sign. They say, "The character shown on the far left of the sign [Curly Howard] is a slur to African-Americans." Somehow, I think the real stooges aren't the ones depicted outside Ross's business.

This is how an article in the Los Angeles teachers' union newsletter began: "More than three out of four people, 69% told the L.A. TIMES pollster that the February 23, 1993, strike would be justified." I'll give you three out of four guesses why people don't care if these teachers aren't working.

"We called the stolen car victim and told her we had some good news and some bad news," said El Cajon, California, police spokesperson Debbie Setzer. "The good news is that we recovered your car. The bad news is that we stole it." Seems that the woman left her car parked near the police station; officers thought that it was an unmarked police car and drove off in it.

The flight crew of a Miami cargo jet has sued the Drug Enforcement Agency over a botched drug sting. Two years ago, DEA agents in Belize placed 48 kilograms of cocaine on a DC-8 without telling the crew. When the plane stopped in Honduras on its return to Miami, local police discovered the drugs and imprisoned and tortured the flight crew. The crew was imprisoned for two weeks before U.S. authorities finally acknowledged that they had planted the drugs.

In Washington, D.C., Chelsea Clinton had a minor boo-boo at school and had to go to the nurse. Before treating the first daughter, the nurse was required to get parental permission. When asked which parent should be called, young Chelsea said, "Please don't call my mother; she's very busy."