During a news conference to announce his support for a constitutional amendment mandating balanced federal budgets, Sen. Dennis DeConcini (D–Ariz.) said, "We're going to finally wrestle to the ground this gigantic orgasm that is out of control." But enough about Bill Clinton's presidential campaign. What about the balanced-budget amendment?

In Virginia Beach, a jury has ordered a gun shop to pay $100,000 to the family of a teacher killed by a student with a handgun purchased at the store. The boy's uncle had purchased the gun and given it to him as a present.

Five Illinois state policemen have been suspended for "borrowing" 15 adult videotapes featuring the underage Traci Lords from department storerooms.

In Lexington, Kentucky, a woman has been arrested for allegedly throwing liquid drain cleaner in the face of a fellow church-choir member during a service because the woman was singing off-key. I imagine they aren't going to have many long-winded sermons in that church.

My thanks to Heterodoxy for informing me that the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, now includes pedophiles in its antidiscrimination code. If anyone can nurture young minds, it's a pedophile.

Delores Stanley, manager of a convenience store in Toronto, Ohio, removed all copies of Playboy from the store shelves. This got her promptly fired. Now she says she'll sue the store's owner: She claims her "forced" exposure to the magazines constituted sexual harassment and her firing interfered with her right to practice her religion.

Remember the study that found that left-handed men live 10 years less on average than right-handers? The reasons aren't clear. But the author of the study, psychologist Stanley Coren, thinks it is because of all the stress of being left-handed in a right-handed world. So he wants us to declare war on (his term) "handism"—to expand civil-rights laws to forbid discrimination against lefties. Sounds like a sinister use of government power.

Medals given to the winners of a Los Angeles scholastic competition misspelled the word academic.

Glad to see that Dan Quayle is sticking up for old-fashioned values and attacking sexual irresponsibility in the media. Someone has to. But maybe he should have had a talk with his wife before she titled her new novel Embrace the Serpent.

The Council of Better Business Bureaus has asked the FCC to investigate a possible violation of federal regulations prohibiting characters on children's shows from selling products during the show itself. The culprit: Sesame Street. Seems the show has been running an announcement that it is sponsored by the Sesame Street Live stage show. The council contends that the announcement is nothing more than a plug for the stage show, and since the spot features Grover and Cookie Monster, it violates the ban.

First Things reports this sign at a recent pro-choice demonstration: "I would die to defend my Mom's right to an abortion."

Finally, this month's Brickbats would not be complete without some mention of the Los Angeles riots. One man wrote to the Los Angeles Times of his May 1 encounter with a panhandler wearing an oversized suit and a pair of Reeboks so new the price tags were still on them: "I asked him, 'Did you spend all your money on your new suit and shoes?' With a smile he said, 'No, I'm a looter, and I got this new suit and shoes looting.' I then asked, 'What do you think of the Rodney King situation?' He looked at me questioningly and said, 'I don't follow sports anymore.'"