Responding to accusations that it supports terrorism, the government of Libya has proposed steps that the United Nations should take to eliminate the causes of terrorism. These include a ban on hunting, boxing, and wrestling, as well as reversing the flow of rivers so that their waters can be used for irrigation instead of flowing into the sea.
It's tough to be politically correct. Just ask the people at the Harvard Divinity School. Doing its bit to save the planet, the school placed recycling bins around campus to collect paper. The bins were originally labeled "white" and "colored." Someone anonymously relabeled the latter bins "paper of color." Penthouse magazine reports that the school then relabeled all the bins "bleached paper" and "dyed paper."
George Bush did his damnedest to act like a good ol' boy while campaigning in New Hampshire. But he just couldn't get it right. At one stop he meant to quote the lyrics of a song by the country group the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band. Instead, he referred to the Nitty Ditty Nitty Gritty Great Bird. The Bush campaign so far brings to mind another country group: Asleep at the Wheel.
Voters turned San Francisco Mayor Art Agnos out of office last November. But Agnos isn't out of a job. His old buddy state Assembly Speaker Willie Brown immediately gave him a $92,465-a-year post as state unemployment commissioner. Agnos described the position as a "part-time job."
In California, Malibu has granted honorary citizenship to all whales and dolphins. At the very least that should raise Malibu's average I.Q.
Ever-vigilant Singapore has banned the import, manufacture, and sale of chewing gum and bubble gum. Those violating the law face a fine of as much as 10,000 Singapore dollars (about $6,000 in U.S. currency).
In New York, state Sen. Guy J. Velella wants to outlaw pencils shaped like hypodermic needles. Velella thinks the novelty items will promote drug use among children. This guy will probably flip if he goes through the contents of one of those plastic toy doctor's kits.
In Charles Town, West Virginia, a 670-pound man was sentenced to home confinement after a drug conviction but has been freed on bond after authorities failed to find an electronic monitoring device, usually contained in an anklet, big enough for him.
A Little League coach in East St. Louis fired a gun at a 16-year-old umpire who called one of his players out at home plate.
Shirley MacLaine says that in another life she was married to New York City Council President Andrew Stein. Rumor has it that Stein wants to be New York's mayor. The MacLaine connection could help him lock up that all-important 10,000-year-old-Atlantean vote.
A bill under consideration by the Florida legislature would make it illegal for professional wrestlers to touch or threaten a referee or to fix the outcome of a match. The bill also requires the state athletic commission to lift the license of any promoter who consistently makes matches between opponents of unequal ability and skill. It would be so much easier for lawmakers to say, "Professional wrestling as it has existed for over 120 years is banned in the state of Florida."
Political leaders in Washington state have enticed a group of Japanese investors to buy baseball's Seattle Mariners. The current owner has said he might move the franchise, but the Japanese group promises to keep the team in Seattle. If the Japanese think America makes lousy cars, wait'll they take a look at the Mariners.
This article originally appeared in print under the headline "Brickbats".