The Christian Coalition is mounting a nationwide attack on I Am Joseph, a children's book about the Genesis figure. They want public libraries to remove the book. The group thinks the part about Potiphar's wife's attempt to seduce Joseph is "pornographic." Well, I guess there's no point in doing I Am Lot.

In Los Angeles, 700 of the entertainment industry's movers and shakers gathered to give each other awards for their devotion to the environment. No one bothered to car pool, despite an invitation to do so by the event's organizers, the Environmental Media Association. The parking lot was filled with stretch limousines and BMWs. Said producer Norman Lear, whose wife was a founder of the EMA: "I asked how I can be an environmentalist and not buy a fuel-efficient car. I'm sorry, I wasn't ready to do it. I bought a Mercedes."

Animal-rights activists want pets to be referred to as "companion animals." This prompted a University of California, Santa Barbara, professor to wonder aloud whether Penthouse magazine's centerfold Pets should be called Penthouse Companion Animals. Fifteen women promptly filed sexual-harassment charges against him

Vanna (White) speaks about the Clarence Thomas-Anita Hill imbroglio: "Guys make passes at me and blow whistles at me. I just throw it off my back. I don't think anything of it. That's the way it is. If someone raped me, that's a different story,"

Dick Gephardt watch out! Godzilla wants to see you. The giant death-ray-breathing reptile is back in his 18th film. Godzilla was originally a city-destroying villain, but in the mid-1960s, he became a hero by defending Japan from King Kong, the Smog Monster, and a host of other actors in rubber suits. This time Godzilla takes on his toughest enemy yet: Americans trying to force open Japanese markets. (I'm not making this up.) It seems a bunch of Westerners have unleashed a gargantuan, flying, three-headed creature on Tokyo in an attempt to sell the Japanese personal computers.

After winning office on a campaign against topless bars and adult bookstores, the vice mayor of Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, has resigned. His name was allegedly found on the list of clients of the call-girl wife of a local policeman.

In Charlotte, North Carolina, police arrested Torire Stoudmire because of his hairstyle. They alleged that he had the phrase "**** the CPD" (Charlotte Police Department) shaved on his head. They booked him for disturbing the peace.

Former Cleveland State University basketball coach Kevin Mackey has filed a $1.4-million suit against CSU. The university dismissed Mackey six days after he was arrested for driving under the influence. Mackey alleges that CSU fired him because of his drinking problems, and since alcoholism is recognized as a handicap under federal law, the university thereby illegally discriminated against him on the basis of a handicap.

When Sen. Robert Byrd (D–W. Va.) became Appropriations Committee chairman in 1989, he vowed to pump $1 billion into his home state in six years. He had to move chunks of the CIA and the Treasury Department to the Mountain State, but the blue-haired fiddler has accomplished his goal, and in less than three years. Way to go, Bobby.

The Iraqis have reportedly pirated E.T. and broadcast it on state television. Saddam must be stopped; if we allow this to continue, he'll likely proceed to broadcasting Braves games without the express written consent of Major League Baseball.

Some airlines are now testing ads on the doors of airplane restrooms. Talk about a captive audience.