In Cherokee County, Georgia, officials must decide what to do with Snowball, a goat who butted his master to death. Roasting him with butter and garlic should send a message to other goats.
The conscience of rock and roll, Sting, told Rolling Stone, "We have too many people—we have to use birth control." The Stinger should know: He has five children.
A 10-year-old girl in Nicholasville, Kentucky, was hospitalized after a DARE (Drug Awareness Resistance Education) program at her school. Bruiser, a dope-detecting mutt, attacked the girl without provocation. She required 49 stitches to close the bite wounds. Listen closely. This is your face. This is a police dog. This is your face after being torn off by a police dog. Any questions?
Everyone agrees that New York City urgently needs more public toilets, but a firm that wants to provide them has learned that city officials aren't terribly concerned with the city's needs. A French company has offered to provide five public toilet kiosks for free as a market test. But the mayor's Office for People with Disabilities insists that all the units be large enough for wheelchairs. There are two problems. First, the large units would be attractive sleeping quarters for the homeless, rendering them useless for the general public. Second, the city Arts Commission won't approve the larger kiosks because they are so big and unattractive. So New York gets no public toilets. And people wonder why the city is such a sewer.
Also in New York, the fancy restaurant Windows on the World has been found guilty of sexual discrimination. The crime: The eatery requires men, but not women, to check their rain coats.
And in Los Angeles, the trendy night-club Vertigo is in court on discrimination charges. Undercover investigators from the Alcohol Beverage Control Board found that the club turns away people with a "lack of fashion sense." So the ABC has demanded that Vertigo admit on a first-come, first-served basis or lose its liquor license. Says ABC attorney David Wainstein, "Everyone should have equal access." I have a dream: that night-clubbers will be judged not by the color of their clothes but by their place in line.
Something to ponder: Trials in Florida are televised. In 1980, Roger Mudd asked Ted Kennedy why he wanted to be president, and the senator said, "Duhh." Ted's potential encounter with Sunshine State prosecutors should be the most entertaining thing on TV since Madonna's last video.
A survey reveals that 84 percent of French people cannot spell the name of their president, François Mitterrand Another poll shows that 50 percent of the French want to bring back the guillotine. They'll write the president to tell him how they feel, as soon as they figure out how to address the envelope. It seemed simple enough.
Ohio legislators had approved an official state beverage (tomato juice), rock song ("Hang on Sloopy"), mammal (the white-tailed deer), and fossil (the trilobite) without much of a fuss. But when they took up a bill to make the square dance the official state dance, things got hot. Polka advocates claimed their dance deserved the honor. Both sides geared up campaigns, and staffers say they have gotten more mail on the bill than on any other. With no disrespect to either dance, the frug deserves some consideration.
The California bar has approved rules restricting sex between attorneys and their clients. They wisely decided that a lawyer should only screw his client financially.
This article originally appeared in print under the headline "Brickbats".