In Atlanta, the Cheetah III nude-dancing club now features a salute to America's fighting men in Saudi Arabia. As Bruce Springsteen defiantly proclaims that he was "Born in the USA," our heroines stand atop customers' tables and take off everything except the small American flags that they wave patriotically. One dancer notes that her boyfriend is in the Navy, and when she dances, she "puts a little extra into it" for him. Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Unfortunately, the soldiers in Saudi Arabia won't get to see the Cheetah III salute—or much of anything else. The military has severely restricted entertainment for fear of offending our Moslem hosts." (A shipment of comic books was turned away because Wonder Woman's costume was too revealing for Saudi tastes.) Meanwhile, soldiers grumble about boredom, lack of recreational activities, and low morale. This just p.o.ed Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Alfred Gray. Gray told a group of Marines stationed near the Kuwaiti border, "There will be no morale problem in the 1st Marine Expeditionary Force because I say there will be morale. There will also be no boredom. Suck in that gut. Buy that pride." Maybe the commander has seen Patton one time too many.

Still, U.S. soldiers don't have it nearly as rough as the British troops stationed in Saudi Arabia. Four years ago, the defense ministry sold its entire stock of desert uniforms because it thought they were no longer needed. They sold them to Iraq.

Of late, Patti Davis has picked up a few bucks by knocking her parents, Ronald and Nancy Reagan. Davis went on "A Current Affair" to blame her father for the slaughter of dolphins and later told a magazine that he exacerbated the homeless problem. But as her brother Michael points out, "If she wasn't writing articles and books about her father, she would probably be homeless herself because that's how she's making her money."

Sticks-and-stones-may-break-my-bones department. When "This Week with David Brinkley's" Sam Donaldson tried to ask archprotectionist Sen. Ernest Hollings (D–S.C.) if reports that he buys his suits from South Korea are true, the Foghorn Leghorn soundalike got a little huffy. "Well, I tell you the truth, I think I got that suit, this is not the one, but the same place right down the street where—if you want to personalize this thing—where you got that wig, Sam."

Vice President Dan Quayle will play himself on an episode of the TV series "Major Dad." He can now reassure voters with a commercial that goes "I'm not really the vice president of the United States. I just play him on television."

To measure the fish population in the Muskegon, Au Sable, and Manistee rivers, the Michigan Department of Natural Resources put poison in the rivers, killing 2,400 fish.

Meanwhile, in Knoxville, the census bureau failed to count University of Tennessee football coach Johnny Majors, despite his weekly television appearances. Auburn coach Pat Dye has been unsuccessful in his attempts to have Majors recounted by the Michigan Department of Natural Resources.

There's a new newsletter for you music fans. East End Lights is a monthly that focuses exclusively on Elton John. I don't know about you, but I don't let a day go by without thinking, "Gee, I wonder what Elton John is up to."

In Los Angeles, a judge has found the trendy Mayan club guilty of violating a state law prohibiting discrimination on the basis of appearance. Several people had complained that the club's doormen turned them away because they were nerds. Would these people really want into the Mayan if it didn't turn nerds away?