Pittsfield, Massachusetts, resident Tyler Morey received a summons for jury duty recently, but he won't be appearing in court. His mother doesn't let him go out of the house alone, you see. Tyler is only 11 months old.
In Texas, the National Guard has proposed something called "Project Cactus" to help stem the flow of drugs across the Mexican border. According to Lt. Col. Ed Komandosky, troops would disguise themselves as cacti and hide near drug-smuggling corridors, ready to pounce on anyone hauling drugs. Listen, fellows, this plan didn't work for Wile E. Coyote, and it won't work for you.
From the mail-order catalogue "Seventh Generation": "Protect and waterproof your leather.…Our leather seal is nontoxic and uses no animal products." I'm sure that'll impress Bob Barker.
According to a recently released Environmental Protection Agency report, livestock flatulence is a major source of methane gas and a potential cause of global warming. The EPA urges that we take action to keep livestock from flatulating into the atmosphere. How would you like to have that job?
Ethel Terrell, a state legislator in Michigan, is noted among her colleagues for missing more daily sessions than she attends. After a recent special election, two of her colleagues decided to play a joke on her. Rep. Jerry Bartnik offered to introduce Terrell to the newly elected lawmaker. Instead, he introduced her to longtime legislator Philip Hoffman. Terrell shook Hoffman's hand, welcomed him, and asked if he had had a tough campaign. Later, when someone told her what had happened, Terrell vowed never to speak to either Bartnik or Hoffman again. Of course, she assumes that she will recognize them.
According to the Washington Post, all that cocaine that the army claimed to have found in Noriega's refrigerator turns out to have been tamale stuffing. Repeat after me. These are tamales. This is your stomach after eating tamales. Any questions?
Hector Davila knows what's wrong with American business. Davila is the author of the business-advice book Mafia Management. He argues that looking at the Mafia teaches us the values of diversification, efficiency, and customer service. (I'm not making this up, folks.) But most of all, the Mafia teaches us that businessmen should be strong. "There are a lot of businesses today going out of business because they're simply not tough enough," says Davila. Imagine: After ignoring Lee Iaccoca's friendly advice to "get out of the small car market," Roger Smith wakes up to find a bloody transmission in his bed.
The DEA's latest target? Cane toads. Popular with aquarium owners, these amphibians secrete through their skin a substance called bufotenine. In large quantities, bufotenine is toxic, but in small amounts it is a powerful hallucinogen. As more and more people are apparently discovering, toad licking can be an effective way to get high. Still, the DEA's hands are tied because the toads are quite common, and it is not illegal to own them. "If you had a toad, we would have to prove that you were licking it on purpose," says DEA spokesman Robert K. Sager. How do you lick a toad accidentally?
Gus Hall, leader of the American Communist Party, now claims to be the "longest serving Communist Party head anywhere." The way things are going, Gus may soon be the only Communist Party head anywhere.