In South Carolina, state Rep. Mike Fair heard that promoters were trying to book the Rolling Stones in the University of South Carolina stadium. Outraged that such a lewd group might perform on university grounds, Fair drafted a bill to stop them. In part, the bill bans any act in which "male or female gentiles are displayed." Presumably Jews, and gentiles of indeterminate sex, are allowed.

Last year, New York City's finest ticketed 25 unlucky jaywalkers. In Milwaukee, by contrast, the cops wrote 3,000 jay-walking tickets. Milwaukee's hard-nosed attitude toward this crime is legendary. One man claims he was spread-eagled, searched, and taken to a station house after he was nabbed crossing in the middle of the block. One woman was taken downtown and strip-searched after she crossed against the light. We probably don't want to know what they do to people who are illegally parked.

Officials in Chicago had a great plan. They would build an underground tunnel connecting City Hall with the State of Illinois Center across the street, allowing bureaucrats to go from one to the other without braving those famous winds. Each government would start building from its side of the street, and the two would meet in the middle. But it didn't work out that way. The state's section is nine inches lower than the city's and eight inches to the east. Taxpayers will have to spend $310,000 to fix the mess. Even at the local level, government can't seem to make ends meet.

The city council in Avon, Massachusetts, was shaken, not stirred, by bar owner Chris Martin's idea to improve his business. He wanted to declare Monday—always a slow night—a "no alcohol" night. He would hire a disc jockey and serve only nonalcoholic beverages. But the council just said no to his plan. With that kind of policy, they feared, the bar just might attract too many customers.

In Missouri, lawyers are having a field day with the state law restricting abortion. The statute, which was upheld by the Supreme Court, declares that life begins at conception. One attorney has argued that a client who lost his driver's license for underage drinking should get it back. Counting from conception, the guy was actually five months older than the minimum drinking age when he was arrested. Another lawyer wants to get the fetuses of imprisoned women out of jail. The fetuses haven't been convicted of anything, he argues, and jailing them violates their right to liberty. Another attorney argues that if fetuses are persons, they should be counted in the census.

Movie fans in Seoul got a surprise recently. Two film directors released 14 nonpoisonous snakes into a theater showing Fatal Attraction. The directors were part of a group trying to keep South Koreans from patronizing foreign films. Really, if Glenn Close's nude scenes didn't frighten people away, a few snakes aren't going to have any effect.

Meanwhile, the Washington Film and Video Office is trying to lure filmmakers to that state. The bureau placed an ad in American Cinematographer magazine proclaiming that "Debbie Could Have Done Dallas in Seattle." Seattle is a lovely city, but do pom films really require much location shooting?

Iraqi soldiers shot down an Egyptian Air Force bomber as it prepared to land in Baghdad. The plane was coming to appear in an air show.

And in Washington, D.C., police are cracking down on rush-hour drivers who fill their cars with mannequins to take advantage of the fast-moving car pool lanes. Said the driver to the cop, "That's no dummy! That's Vice President Quayle."