– Poor Walter Spawr. He was sentenced to the federal pen for selling top-secret US technology to the Russian Bear, even though the US prosecutor himself named the secret substance when questioning the Russian agent at Spawr's trial. And where did Spawr find the Russian buyers? At a US Department of Commerce display in Moscow in 1975, no less. One week after his sentencing, the treasonous Spawr received an invite to show his wares at another Commerce Department "technical seminar." In Peking.…

– Do not be surprised if Jimmy the Pathetic sets sail for the Far Eastern People's Haven of 'Nam in the days to come. The man who gallantly led the Great American Peoples into the Energy War with moral fervor, patriotic duty, and price controls could be just what our commubrothers are in need of. For it appears from recent reports that the Marxist-Leninist Liberators are currently having problems of the "spirit." The problem? "The communists have lost their power to intimidate," notes Le Thanh Truong, 46, a Vietnamese refugee now in retirement from the Socialist Ideal in Thailand. "It would be a good thing for the people if the communists could make good on their promises," she offers, "but I think it's too late. For them to succeed, the people must believe them, and the people no longer believe them." Citizens do not obey orders now unless directly threatened with bodily violence, and another emigre notes: "The government has lost control over people's thinking.…The cadres don't even believe themselves."

Of course, they don't. Who could believe that rubbish? Who could keep a straight face in this century about the Great Wealth of All the Masses under Socialism as Demonstrated at the Temple of Marxist Truth? Who, you ask? C'mon…Jimmy's just the man! Remember how he tried to solve the energy crisis with national pep rallies and "hey-hey, ho-ho, turn-off that air conditioner, here we go!!!" Take the boat, Mr. Carter, take the boat.

– Sen. Edward M. Kennedy has performed a colossal public service in holding public hearings to alert us to the mega-millions of starving that will dot America within minutes of any presidential signing of federal budget cuts as requested by the David Stockman administration. Many more poor people than simply the bums and deadbeats we usually associate with government hand-outs and congressional office staff will be affected by the dramatic cutbacks, according to the Massachusetts yachtsman, including 750,000 college students who would be forced to drop out of the education industry altogether. The senator showed off several recipients to the gathered news reporters, claiming that terrible things could befall people who were removed from government programs, including "death." (He did not mention anyone falling victim to a job, a possibility that he undoubtedly considered too fantastic to be worthy of speculation.) It was not revealed when Senator Kennedy plans to hold hearings on the lost opportunities, fortunes not made, miracle cures not discovered, productive enterprises not created, poor families not pushed up to the middle-class, due to the extortion of both our incomes and our chances by the Washington beast.

– One crucial program that Mr. Ted may have missed in his quest to identify those most vital to America's poor and downtrodden is the fabulous Chicago Housing Authority's elevator service. Over the past 11 years, 17 underprivileged, disadvantaged Americans have ridden these public services for a long ride…to their deaths. Most of the victims have been children and, consequently, nonvoters, so many of the political authorities will be somewhat relieved by this news: the recent solution to the elevator-accident problem was to simply make the elevators illegal, an act wisely accomplished by an eminent Chicago-area judge. This produced cruel results, however, for 13-year-old Fidel Flowers, a sixth-grader who prided himself on a perfect-attendance record, for which his school had just awarded him honors deserved. But Fidel will go to school no more. His public housing project proved too much. With the elevators closed by court directive, young Fidel collapsed and died of heart failure after a quick 16-story hike up to his luxury apartment. Insufficient public funds the problem, Senator Kennedy? A study by the Chicago Better Government Association claims that 30 percent of the public elevators are out-of-order on an average day and that work orders indicating accomplished repairs are routinely handed in while broken units in fact go unrepaired. Have little fear, Senator. Your government death-traps are in no danger of extinction: Fidel Flowers will not appear at any press conferences in the future.