Here's the Memo Shutting Down the Government

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  • BlueBook||

    Did they cut funding for comments too? Hello?

  • Eduard van Haalen||

    You're still alive? For God's sake, don't signal your presence! Turn off the computer, lock your doors, and if anyone knocks and says they want to borrow a cup of brains, don't let them in, it's a trap!

  • ||

    It's like that movie from earlier this year that nobody saw

  • Eduard van Haalen||

    Fools! Blind fools! If you'd seen the movie, you would known what was coming, but you failed to heed the warnings!

    Wait, what's this? Hey guys, no roughhousing!

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S.....hing_Satan

  • BlueBook||

    Ah, standard operating procedure for Mormons and Girl Scouts, gotcha.

  • Eduard van Haalen||

    This is the way the world ends
    This is the way the world ends
    This is the way the world ends
    Not with a bang, but with the fiscal year

  • benji||

  • ||

    Ironically Google has a doodle celebrating the 123rd anniversary of Yosemite National Park.

  • Acosmist||

    Pretty sure that was intentional and they never did that before. Statists gonna state.

  • Cascadian Ephor Xenocles||

    No man, it's perfectly natural to commemorate the 123rd anniversary of something.

  • UnCivilServant||

    a 123rd makes more sense than a 75th.

  • Ghetto Slovak Goatherder||

    I think this:

    "Well, thankfully the Left is hell-bent on bringing about rapture within my lifetime. I look forward to a happy retirement to this "rapture" you speak of, where I will be free to barter in ammo and moonshine since the currency will collapse, where I will be able to camp alone in the wild with a shotgun at my side to protect myself from the meandering rape caravans, and I will be free to pursue scientific inquiry through having to find odd methods of purifying creek water."

    From "Sudden" on this thread:

    http://reason.com/reasontv/201.....lo#comment

    Is appropriate.

  • ||

  • SIV||

  • ||

  • Ghetto Slovak Goatherder||

    *Lowers Monocle*

    *Peers down nose*

    *Toasts wine glass*

    *Settles into elephant skin chair*

    *Raises feet near 10 foot tall fireplace designed with extra CO2 emissions*

    *Sighs happily*

  • Eduard van Haalen||

    I'm broadcasting from this frequency so long as my reserve power generator is functioning...is anyone else out there, anyone at all?

    I don't want to upset anyone, but I just saw these guys ride by - they looked like they were in a hurry, and they seemed pissed:

    http://alexruizart.deviantart......-184296465

  • Paul.||

    You're coming in weak. Running out of water and ammunition. Any spare supplies welcome. Over.

  • Cascadian Ephor Xenocles||

    AF is short of water.

  • Eduard van Haalen||

    No-one's answering down at the office:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qN8kUGETTFA

  • Scarecrow Repair||

    I'll meet you halfway.

  • The Immaculate Trouser||

    I'm back and I wanted to say... I was so wrong. Holed up in my house, my wife* and I have been reduced to machetes and makeshift fertilizer bombs, our children having been eaten by the raving anti-government hordes who invaded our fallout shelter. Food is scarce; life as I know it is at an end. If I encounter any of you, know that when I make you my concubines and/or warrior eunuchs, it's only because of what this cruel world without DMV funding has forced me to become.

    *I believe that's what we called the breeding units back in the days before shutdown

  • benji||

    Just went outside. No sunlight anywhere. I couldn't even see if there were roads still.

  • Paul.||

    Dear America:

    Today, our unscrupulous banking institution dastardly refused to raise the credit limit on our Home Equity loan, therefore forcing us withhold our next credit card payment.

  • Drizzle||

    I walked outside expecting rivers of blood. Nothing. Some anarchy this is.

  • Cascadian Ephor Xenocles||

  • Jeff||

  • Long Range Boredom||

  • Francisco d Anconia||

    WE. ARE. ALL. GOING. TO. DIE.

    WE HAVE NO GOVERNMENT!!!

  • lap83||

    The...memo...it's not written in... calligraphy. It's horrible..what great evil has befallen these times. *gasps and runs away fighting back tears for the fallen calligraphers*

  • William of Purple||

    Someone tore the labels off all my canned goods. NOW WHAT DO I DO

  • UnCivilServant||

    Have mystery meals?

  • ||

    I've got my bugout bag ready. Hopefully I can make it to Canada without running into any marauding gangs of furloughed federal employees, and that the border guards will accept gold coins in lieu of my no-doubt now invalid passport.

  • ||

    I can attest that the freeways around Southern California have actually gotten much friendlier since government shutdown. Just look at this unemployed cop helping another motorist.

  • SIV||

  • Ghetto Slovak Goatherder||

    If there is no US government, are there any US citizens?

  • Cascadian Ephor Xenocles||

    You maniacs! You blew it up!

  • Francisco d Anconia||

  • Brian||

  • Paul.||

    Any word on guys with mohawks riding motorcycles?

  • Voros McCracken||

    I was just thinking of the great Bubba Zanetti right now.

  • Pathogen||

    Give them gasoline, dog food... and a minute with your wife/sister/etc, and they'll go away...

  • benji||

    My feet are cold, who will put socks on them now?!?

  • Troy muy grande boner||

    Fuck. I was hoping the grid would go down and I wouldn't have to read anymore of Sugarfree scat crap.

  • William of Purple||

    have to?
    don't you mean get to!!!

  • Drizzle||

    I just flipped channels to Rachel Maddow saying that Congress hasn't passed anything since 2010. Umm...girl, you need Google. That didn't close down at midnight.

  • ||

    How does she think the government was funded for the last two years, Ed Begley Jr.'s positive thoughts?

  • William of Purple||

    Maddow does not think.

  • Jeff||

    She is a ROADZZ Scholar, I'll have you know.

  • Cascadian Ephor Xenocles||

    OMG there can't be any more Rhodes scholarships now!

  • UnCivilServant||

    That's an Oxford scholarship funded by south african diamond money, how does a US shutdown impact it?

  • benji||

    It just dawned on me, governments positive effects must extend past when it ends, like the multiplier boosts its actions. So the destruction of civilization probably won't happen for a few hours more. This must be why the internet and electricity is still working.

  • ||

    Just noticed McDonalds has a brand new item on the dollar menu called "soylent green", do you think it has anything to do with the FDA cutbacks?

  • Pathogen||

    The little Lisa slurry meal kinda startled me...

  • C. Anacreon||

    It's a high-protein feed for farm animals, insulation for low-income housing, a powerful explosive and a top-notch engine coolant.

  • Broseph of Invention||

    This. It'll take at least one good rainfall before the Devil Weed germinates and starts breaking through the roadz. But we won't have long. Already the carbon atoms in my saturated fats have been forming double bonds, which by my estimates gives us five and a half hours to flee before the incandescent light bulbs begin searing our skin.

  • ||

    I tried to log on to healthcare.gov to check out how bad the premiums are for me, and I was *shocked* that the system was unavailable.

    Those evil Rethuglicans™ will stoop to any level to keep our glorious leader's magnificent new program from seeing a fruitful implementation.

  • William of Purple||

    Now that the defenses are down, the Canadians are going to invade.

  • Drizzle||

    Get your poutine stained hands off me, you damned dirty Canucks!

  • UnCivilServant||

    Ahem, it's 'Damn Dirty Canukistankis'.

  • Pathogen||

    All day tomorrow MSNBC will tearfully televise Obamas dog slowly starving to death, because... sekwestor shutdown...

  • Troy muy grande boner||

    Hey since this is the end of the world, I have some .45 ammo to trade for someone's sister.

  • Drizzle||

    Deal, let me go find someone's sister.

  • Pathogen||

    Throw in some toilet paper, and you might have a deal...

  • ||

    This microwave egg, bacon, and cheese biscuit I'm eating sucks. Damn shutdown.

  • The Immaculate Trouser||

    Somewhere in DC, Chris Matthews is drunkenly sobbing and necking Keith Olbermann, hoping that in his grief-weakened state Olbermann will finally let him try anal.

  • Drizzle||

    Wait...the sequester didn't do that? Shit, Olbermann's a prude.

  • ||

    So I checked if some retard would post this to Hacker News (ostensibly a technology site) without it getting killed, and sure enough...

    Ugh.

  • The Immaculate Trouser||

    LOL @ the first comment.

    "You won't notice the shutdown of the FedGov; please feel free to scaremonger anyways about other governments hypothetically shutting down!"

  • ||

    "Trash would pile up. Criminals would run free in the streets. Fires wouldn't be put out. Water and electricity would stop. Sewage systems would back up. Schools would close."

    This is seriously the best they can do?

    "Trash would pile up." - a private company picks up my trash

    "Criminals would run free in the streets." - What would we do if the police weren't available to show up after the fact and take a report? Good thing there aren't any actual deterrents like security systems, dogs, and the Second Amendment.

    "Fires wouldn't be put out" - most fire personnel are volunteers

    "Water and electricity would stop. Sewage systems would back up." - Worthless government aristocrats don't produce and distribute electricity, engineers do. Power flows despite government regulation. Oh, and I have a well and septic tank.

    "Schools would close." - and by "schools" he means government run day care facilities with twice as many do-nothing administrators as teachers, and where pupils learn nothing except how to regurgitate useless information completely irrelevant to the modern world.

  • UnCivilServant||

    Sadly, in New York, the power generation facilities are Government Owned. NYPA operates the power plants and sells the electricity to the monopoly currently tasked with distribution. But none of that is impacted by a Federal shutdown.

  • UnCivilServant||

    *The major plants, I think there are private plants to cover the excess draw periods in NYC, etc.

  • ||

    The truly positive contribution of a federal government (besides the questionable benefit of military protection) comes in the form of automatic stabilizers for the economy.
    When there is a shock to the economy, social safety nets dampen the pain significantly. Local and state governments would never be able to provide a reliable social safety net, because they have to operate on the same principles as every other user of a currency. The federal government can operate on the principles of an issuer of the currency. That is a big difference.
    In fact, you can see this difference play out in slow motion in the Eurozone, which still has not recovered from the financial crisis. Things would have played out very different had their been a Eurozone federal government that provides at least the basic components of the social safety nets.

    So you see, Europe's greatest problem is that they haven't given Brussels enough power!

  • ||

    Things would have played out very different had their been a Eurozone federal government that provides at least the basic components of the social safety nets.

    If there's one thing Europe is known for, it's lack of government-funded safety nets.

    I think what he's really saying is "the Eurozone would have recovered already if they were allowed to loot Germany".

  • SIV||

    (besides the questionable benefit of military protection)

    Wait...wut?

    That's the ONLY function the government may handle better than the private sector.

  • Pathogen||

    Now that the government has been dissolved, the federal employees have become rōnin , I expect them to commit seppuku very soon now.

  • Archduke von Pantsfan||

    At least the NHL will begin as scheduled tomorrow.

  • ||

    And the MLB playoffs, which is the only sport that matters right now.

  • JeremyR||

    Ugh, not again.

    It seems like hockey is 10 months out of the year.

  • Acosmist||

    shut down

    two words, dude

  • Troy muy grande boner||

    Apparently the whitehouse server must be running off a diesel generator.

    http://www.whitehouse.gov/

  • ||

    How did it come to this?

    Where now are the horse and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing?
    Where is the helm and the hauberk, and the bright hair flowing?
    Where is the harp on the harpstring, and the red fire glowing?
    Where is the spring and the harvest and the tall corn growing?
    They have passed like rain on the mountain, like a wind in the meadow;
    The days have gone down in the West behind the hills into shadow.
    Who shall gather the smoke of the deadwood burning,
    Or behold the flowing years from the Sea returning?”

  • Eduard van Haalen||

    Dear Prudence,

    The other day I was talking to my boyfriend, trying to hint at setting a date for our wedding, and said he was thinking about "sometime next year."

    Before I could reply, I beheld when the angel had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood; And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind. And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places. And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains; And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb: For the great day of his wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand?

    So my question is, should I give him back the ring or can I pawn it, because he said he's still not ready to commit.

  • ||

    HOLY FUCKING SHIT WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!

    In the event of government shutdown, we will not be posting or responding from this account. We sincerely hope to resume tweets soon.

    — Asteroid Watch (@AsteroidWatch) October 1, 2013


    [removed][removed]

  • ||

    Oh shit I think I see something!!!!

    Oh wait that's the moon.

  • Troy muy grande boner||

    OMG. I need a hero. Where are you billy Jack?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qswm7lHp7oY

  • Agammamon||

    Alltogether now!

    WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER HEROOOOOO!
    WE DON'T NEED TO KNOW THE WAY HOOOOOOOME!
    ALL WE WAAAAAANT . . . IS LIFE BEYOND THE THUNDERDOME!

  • BlueBook||

    http://youtu.be/OBwS66EBUcY

    He's gotta be strong
    and he's gotta be fast

    And he's gotta be fresh from the fight.

  • benji||

    Just opened an unlicensed medical practice, time to prey on the poor children.

  • Troy muy grande boner||

    Eh, I just need them healthy enough to send them into the mines.

  • ||

    You are evil.

  • General Butt Naked||

    sudo rm -r -f nonessential_services

  • Pathogen||

    +1 chown

  • Eduard van Haalen||

    Dear Prudence:

    I hope you made it to the emergency shelter in time, and that they still have an Internet connection. If you died, then please ignore this message and requiescant in pace.

    Anyway, a guy Jeff that I used to know in high school looked me up suggested that we become lovers, because for all we know, he might literally be the last man on earth. I explained that, technically, I said I wouldn't go out with him even if he *were* the last man on earth. And he's really irritating, and I'm still mad at the way Cheryl went out with him even after I *told* her I was kind of wishing he'd risk asking me out again, and even though that's Cheryl's fault and not his, some of the lingering resentment attaches to him.

    So anyway, after this I saw in the night visions, and behold a fourth beast, dreadful and terrible, and strong exceedingly; and it had great iron teeth: it devoured and brake in pieces, and stamped the residue with the feet of it: and it was diverse from all the beasts that were before it; and it had ten horns, and, behold, in one of the horns were eyes like the eyes of man, and a mouth speaking great things. I beheld till the thrones were cast down, and the Ancient of days did sit, whose garment was white as snow, and the hair of his head like the pure wool: his throne was like the fiery flame, and his wheels as burning fire.

    And how do I break it to Jeff gently about his BO?

  • BlueBook||

    I can't say what made me fall in love with DC - that a lobbyist's voice can drug you; that everything is so intense. The colors, the taste, even the rain. Nothing like the filthy rain in London. They say whatever you're looking for, you will find here. They say you come to DC and you understand a lot in a few minutes, but the rest has got to be lived. The smell: that's the first thing that hits you, promising everything in exchange for your soul. And the heat. Your shirt is straightaway a rag. You can hardly remember your name, or what you came to escape from. But at night, there's a breeze. The river is beautiful. You could be forgiven for thinking there was no sequester; that the gunshots were fireworks; that only pleasure matters. A pipe of crack, or the touch of an aide who might tell you she loves you. And then, something happens, as you knew it would. And nothing can ever be the same again.

  • ||

    Has Joe Biden tried firing his shotgun a couple of times in Congress' general direction? That might help.

  • Suellington||

    Shutdown city. Roving bands of starving children. Pandas not being live streamed. Front seat to the apocolypse.

  • Kurbster||

    I'm going to print it out and frame it

    This is a proud first step to rebuilding Murika

  • Agammamon||

    So. Who out here in the southwest wants to help me unify the barbarian tribes by brutally conquering them and destroying their unique social identities and make them all wear faux roman legion uniforms? Who wants to be a Legate, yeah!

  • BlueBook||

    Depends. In Nova Roma, will owning a car entitle one to membership in the Equites?

  • Agammamon||

    Sure, won't do you much good since there's no roads or fuel anymore though.

  • db||

    Let's get one thing straight before we start: your employee discipline program doesn't include burning pitch or cliffs, right?

  • Long Range Boredom||

    "Lanius. Butcher. Monster. Terror of the East. Wears a mask, has blinded his slaves. Most don't even know if he's the same man. He put Colorado to the sword, threw the Hangdogs' hounds on the fires so they might burn forever in the afterlife."

  • Agammamon||

    I'll keep this log, for as long as I have fuel to power my computer - if none of us make it, at least there'll be some kind of a record.

    Initially we didn't think much would happen, that the national parks shutting down would be shock enough. That the Top Men in Washington would restore order quickly. Now the roads are gone.

    Wild rape-gangs are roaming the streets, and a new cult has sprung up. Eugenicists, they patrol the wasteland looking for the poor and undocumented Mexicans. The extermination camps run day and night - the evening winds blow the choking ash down on us. We've barricaded our neighborhood but food is basically gone and the water won't last much longer.

    Nobody trusts anyone and we are so tired.

    We hang those who are caught hoarding.

  • Agammamon||

    The one ray of hope we have is that Whitehouse.gov is still online, poor hope that it is. I hope Barack and Michelle are OK, not like poor Blakely.

    I see now what our meddling has awakened. It smashed through a door and drug Blakely screaming, into its hideous suckered mouth.

    I can't sleep. The others plot my demise. They know I don't have a gun, never needing one since I always had police on call. Now the police are gone. Killed or joined the gangs, asset forfeituring.

  • Agammamon||

    We shall stick it out to the end, but we are getting weaker, of course, and the end cannot be far.

    For God's sake look after our people.

  • Agammamon||

    There is a strange aircraft is hovering near my house.

    It is hovering and

    It's not an aircraft.

  • Agammamon||

    Smoke comes out, black smoke, drifting over the city. People in the streets see it now.

    They're running towards the Colorado, thousands of them, dropping in like rats.

    The smoke's spreading faster. People are trying to run away from it, but it's no use. They're — They're falling like flies. Now the smoke's crossing Sixth Avenue... Fifth Avenue... a hundred yards away... it's — it's fifty feet

  • Bardas Phocas||

    Well that escalated quickly.
    Scene from the Mall.
    http://images2.wikia.nocookie......e_Mall.jpg

  • Agammamon||

    The corpse we've been reduced to eating is nearly finished. If my comrades survive the night it will only be because I've passed out from exhaustion.

  • Agammamon||

    They have found a pit into the earth knowing they plot my demise I stayed behind to fortify my defenses I am alone now my friends lost to me their sanity eroded by time

    now there husks are infested by horrors from beneath the earth and beyond the ages

    they speak in a tongue of wet gurgles babble a language without reason

    I fear I have been infected

  • Agammamon||

    We rescued Blakely's body
    we have barred the gates but doubt if can hold them long If there is no escape it will be a horrible fate to suffer
    We cannot get out. We cannot get out. They have taken the bridge and Second Hall
    Robert's party went five days ago but today only four returned. The pool is up to the wall at West-gate... we cannot get out. The end comes soon. We hear drums, drums in the deep. They are coming

  • Agammamon||

    Itchytasty

  • Agammamon||

    All burn. Children burn fastest. Less fat. Locked lot crazy nobles in statue garden. Won't move until they all stop moving. And burning. Some escaped. Still burning. All burn.

    The very stones themselves are burning. Nothing can stand in the heat.

    The fires have claimed all of the second hall. There are only five of us left, and Unib Berog walks back and forth, carrying objects uselessly, not understanding anything.

    The tales are true...

    Cerol Likotag told me he had to "fill the pool" and wandered into the fires. Poor creature.

    Berog declared that he wants new Bonobo leather trousers.

  • Agammamon||

    So that notable deeds should not perish with time, and be lost from the memory of future generations, I, seeing these many ills, and the whole world encompassed by evil, waiting among the dead for death to come, have committed to writing what I have truly heard and examined; and so that the writing does not perish with the writer, or the work fail with the workman, I leave parchment for continuing the work, in case anyone should still be alive in the future and any son of Adam can escape this pestilence and continue the work thus begun.

    I must go and feed the fire now

  • Andrew S.||

    I'm currently sitting at home, unable to go to work, because my wife has a doctor appointment and I have to take our daughter to school the city has been reduced to a smoking crater, and I fear being caught by marauders and forced to fight against Master Blaster in the Thunderdome

  • The Immaculate Trouser||

    I got beyond Thunderdome just last night; I'm sure you'll be OK.

  • lap83||

    good. I was just about to ask if we could get BEYOND thunderdome.

  • Hillary's Clitdong||

    It's like Somalia out here. Semi-feral teens running around raping and murdering, gangs of drug dealers ruling the streets, gunfire chattering in the dark.

    Wait. It's just another day in the city.

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