"Temporary Weed Inspector" Wanted

For those of you H&Rers looking for employment:

$8.50-$11.00/hr Position available working 8am to 5pm, Monday-Friday, 40 hrs/wk for approximately 6 months enforcing the Citys Weed Ordinance. Will drive throughout the City checking for weed violations, verifying citizen complaints, using computer to conduct property searches for ownership and preparing documents for court actions and council billing. Able to deal courteously with the public. Requires use of personal vehicle for inspections (mileage to be reimbursed). Must have valid MO Drivers License + proof of liability coverage prior to hiring. Able to work in summer temps and around noxious plants and other fumes. Official City of Columbia application must be submitted to HR Dept. Open until filled.

Not to be confused with these Columbia, Missouri, weed inspectors.

(Thanks to Eapen Thampy for the tip.)

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  • Warren||

    --Able to deal courteously with the public.--

    Listed as the very last of the skills required.

  • Rich||

    "Able", not "Required".

    No real tough questions to Ben yet, other than Liesman asking about Fed policy eroding American standard of living. He dodged the intent.

  • ||

    Wrong noxious plant...

  • Jeffersonian||

    We need to get these guys into a budget crisis, now.

  • ||

    Able to deal courteously with the public.

    Rules out the H & R commentariat, I would say.

  • Warren||

    Fuck you.

  • ||

    Act courteously you dumb fuck.

  • ||

    Hey heller, can you read lips? FUCK YOU.

  • ||

    Hey heller, can you read lips?

    I doubt he can if you still have your pants on.

  • ||

    Oh, NutraSweet; in your rush to feebly insult me, you failed to pick up on my Back to School reference. Listen, the war's over. Get new parts for your head.

  • ||

    Working title for your memoirs:

    Why Don't You Call Me When You Have No Class: The Episiarch Story.

  • ||

    Actually, I prefer poetry. Maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow?

  • ||

    I don't like thinking about Rodney Dangerfield's penis quite as much as you do.

  • ||

    Now that's what I call Marine Biology!

  • ||

    Episiarch, next time I'll call Robert Ludlum.

  • Warren||

    I bet you're a never-nude.

  • ||

    Hey heller, you should try my Tall & Fat stores. No offense.

  • Warren||

    You didn't say "please" fuckwit.

  • ||

    Please slit your own throat moron.

  • Warren||

    I have no arms, you insensitive bastard!

  • Almanian||

    Up yours, RC, and thanks for speaking for everyone else, you pompous prick.

    While you're at it, go fuck yourself.

  • Paul||

    Rules out the H & R commentariat, I would say.

    I'd be surprised if H&R regulars would want this regulatory position.

  • Almanian||

    A man's gotta eat.

    Also - FUCK YOU!

  • Joshua||

    What's the pension like?

  • City of Columbia||

    You can put your weed in there.

  • Almanian||

    Mo' money, mo' money, mo' money!

  • ||

    Yeah and what about air time?

  • 6 figures after 5 yrs on job.||

    Retire at age 40. Just a run-of-the-mill govt job.

  • Tim||

    Think of the children !

  • H&R Commenter||

    Fuck them too!

    (In a metaphorical sense, of course.)

  • Chris Hansen||

    Think of the children!

    Why don't you have a seat right here?

  • Rich||

    Q to Ben: Do people expect too much from the Fed?

    Ben: Previous policy responses were not adequate. The housing market remains weak. Many factors hold the recovery back. I understand why people are impatient. The US will return to be the best economy in the world. Thank you very much.

    Argh. About what I expected. What about the purported audit?

  • Tim||

    This would make a great reality show.

    Weed Inspector with Steven Segal

  • ||

    Weed Inspector with Willie Nelson would be infinitely more watchable.

  • Tim||

    Weed Inspector with Charlie Sheen

  • Tim||

    Weed Inspector with Pamela Anderson. (Hint: she bends over a lot)

  • Ricky||

    I grow the best fucking weed around.

  • Barely Suppressed Rage||

    Nah, it would have to be: "Steven Segal IS ... Out For Weed!"

  • ||

    Above the Lawn

  • ||

    Movie ends with a quip from Segal about how the villan "couldn't remain above the lawn forever. now he's under it."

  • Almanian||

    Also, this isn't quite THE most awesome job EVER, but it's right up there. This is a good great job.

  • Ska||

    Best job ever would have to be judge at the Hustler blowjob contest.

  • Tim||

    Either one must have a cool badge.

  • Jack||

    Not a big fan of herpes.

  • ||

    This job has so many things that will piss off the D.C. Walmart haters, yet at the same time it is working for gov't and totally pointless. Dilemma.

  • ||

    They can appease the Walmart Haters by offering a shuttle service from the employee's front door to their car in the driveway.

  • Tim||

    : Hello? Mr. Smith? This is Weed Inspector Jones. I'm calling to talk to you about the ragweed out by the sidewalk.
    CLICK
    Hello?

  • ||

    Yeah, who cares if the town is full of blighted lots with overgrown lawns and weeds? I can't imagine why any city would want to enforce local ordinances. Down with tyranny!

  • ||

    Fuck off, dipshit.

  • Tim||

    Be more polite to our guest dipfuckshitoffface!

  • ||

    NEEDS MOAR STRAWMEN

  • ||

    Just trying to get into the libertarian "externalities don't exist" spirit of things. If I want to grow a weed farm in my front yard, it's my own business!

  • Tim||

    Pardon me but would you mind terribly fucking off? There's a good chap.

  • ||

    Ah, fuck it, Tim. He didn't know to stop raping his mother's asshole after she died... I doubt he'll get the hint here.

  • Tim||

    "Some of them want to abuse you... some of them want to be abused."

  • ||

    If a smoke some weed I picked out of someone else's yard, does that count as a positive externality?

  • Fist of Etiquette||

    I already have a job. Federal Breast Inspector.

  • Fist of Etiquette||

    And it's a permanent position.

  • Tim||

    Work must be a handfull...

  • Charlotte Sometimes||

    It's a growth industry.

  • ||

    “Weed inspector, Ma’am. I need to check your weed.”

    *pufffffff* *mmmmpppffff*

    *exhales*

    “Yeah, that’s really good shit, ma’am. Got any brownies? How about some chips?

    I can’t believe they’re payin’ me $10 an hour for this.”

    *giggles*

  • ||

    "Ma'am I am afraid this weed may be toxic, therefore, for the good of the children, I must confiscate your weed."

  • ||

    Have you ever looked for weeds, ON WEED?

  • Tim||

    That would make for a great follow up piece from Balko: Weed inspector fired for Weed.

  • ||

    "Man, that is flagrant false advertising!" -Otto

  • Zeb||

    Weeds are only weeds if you don't want them there. Seems to me only the property owner can determine what is a weed and what is not.

    Also, if the person who gets this job doesn't drive around baked all day and accept bong hits as bribes, something has gone terribly wrong.

  • ||

    I take it the last weed inspector was fired for getting high on the job.

  • Eryk Boston||

    I noticed that "ability to differentiate between noxious weeds and expensive ornamental plants" isn't on the requirement list.

    I wonder if clover is considered a weed under the ordinance just to see snobbish homeowners against environazis in Colorado.

  • mad libertarian guy||

    Because without a public servant to rid us of unauthorized weeds, we'll be just like SOMALIA!!!!!

  • دردشه عراقية||

    Thanks

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