Rep. Jeff Flake Goes on Island Vacation, Catches Crabs

Rep. Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.), one of the most market-friendly members of Congress, decided to spend his vacation alone on a tropical island for a week "sandwiched between town halls and constituent meetings." Cue "no man is an island" libertarian humor.

By day two, he's gone Piggy, lighting a fire with magnifying lens. By day three he's writing numbers on the shells of hermit crabs with a Sharpie, just for fun. Also, reading about occasions when the phrase blood in the water is a literal concern—and not just trash talk at a meeting with a pale dudes in suits—makes you appreciate civilization a lot.

Would have been better if Flake had played this low-key, I think, rather than handing off his vacation snaps for a Washington Post slideshow. On the other hand, then we would have been deprived of what may be the only instance of libertarian survivalist beefcake known to man.

Go ahead commenters, prove me wrong on that last point.

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  • ||

    should've taken a volleyball with him.

  • ||

    "WILSON!"

  • Phantom Limb||

    Captain Obvious to the rescue!!

  • The Monarch||

    And to think you fucked Dr. Girlfriend....

  • ||

    Les Stroud could kick his ass. Twice.

    Anyone know Stroud's leanings? He comes off as a bit more to the center than your average Canuck.

  • Kyle Jordan||

    From what I've read and heard Les is a bit of the old school Liberal. Not quite a "Classical" Liberal, but not your typical costume wearing socialist.

  • Mango Punch||

    Looks like a pretty awesome trip.

  • Gone with the wind||

    Katherine, if this was a test to see if there are any female readers left...I think the answer is no.

  • Jefferson Airplane||

    "no man is an island"

    He's a peninsula.

  • The Gobbler||

    I got your peninsula right here, baby.

  • ¢||

    Sometime that day, I picked one up and wrote "1" on his shell. I repeated this act whenever I felt lonely, and soon there were a quite a few numbered hermit crabs wandering the premises.

    Seems kinda...metaphorical.

  • Spartacus||

    If they are all numbered 1, how do you tell them apart?

  • Spartacus||

    And who the hell brings a sharpie to a desert island anyway? Is he going to label all his stuff so the Skipper doesn't steal it, or what?

  • Xeones||

    Goddammit, quit trying to make me like a politician.

  • ||

    What do you call a Congressman stranded on a desert island?

    A good start.

  • ||

    By day three he's writing numbers on the shells of hermit crabs with a Sharpie, just for fun.

    Know what comes next

    Oh, humanity!?

    Wagering?

  • ev||

    Um....is it just me or is Rep. Flake a tad ripped?

  • ev||

    Well I'm not the only one, obviously. It does seem like kmw is aroused.

  • ||

    I seem to have fucked up my punctuation.

    In order: "?"; "!"; "!"

    stupid keyboard

  • Franklin Harris||

    Would have been better if Flake had played this low-key, I think, rather than handing off his vacation snaps for a Washington Post slideshow.

    After the Mark Sanford fiasco, no politician can be taken at his word when he claims to be spending time alone in the wilderness.

  • ||

    I was wondering if anyone would come to the same conclusion as I have.

    Flake was fucking those poor hermit crabs. The numbering was just a sick "notches on the bedpost" scheme.

  • Hugh Akston||

    I was wondering if anyone would come to the same conclusion as I have.

    SF, we all wonder from time to time if we have lost our minds. But regular readers of this blog know that sanity can be measured by the repulsion one feels at reading your writing.

  • @||

    "Wilson! I'm sorry, Wilson!!"

  • Kyle Jordan||

    You know, marking on some poor creature with a Sharpie is kind of fucked up.

    What did he do after that, march them in to an oven...?

  • ||

    "for your clothes, here's a pretty flower"

  • Kyle Jordan||

    Don't get the reference but the Googling of it turned up lyrics to a Dead Kennedys song.

    And after I posted the the "march" comment, I had one of the most hilarious thoughts I've had in a while.

    Picture the crabs, numbered, being marched towards a clambake style pit or a pot of boiling water to the theme from Schindler's List. That's awesome.

  • ||

    And it's all black and white except for one tiny red crab.

  • T||

    Flake was fucking those poor hermit crabs. The numbering was just a sick "notches on the bedpost" scheme.

    Nobody else came to that conclusion because nobody else has a dick small enough. Way to out yourself, Needledick the Bugfucker.

  • ||

    I don't fuck bugs. I make love to them.

  • Kyle Jordan||

    He just doesn't call them afterwards.

  • Kirsten||

    That last point is easy to disprove. He's not a libertarian. I refer you to his voting record at Project Vote Smart.

  • ||

    Kirsten,

    Is that because he refused to grant the government additional wiretapping powers, or because he refused to vote to ban Internet gambling? Or because he voted against the farm bills? Or because he voted repeatedly to prohibit the DoJ from arresting and prosecuting people for medical marijuana in states that legalized it? Or because he always votes for free trade? Or because he voted against TARP both times?

    Thanks for the link Kirsten, but it only confirms that Rep. Flake is one of the most libertarian members of Congress.

  • eb||

    confirms that Rep. Flake is one of the ONLY libertarian members of Congress.

    fixed

  • Xeones||

    Needledick the Bugfucker

    My kid has a pet hermit crab. You stay the hell away from my house, Sweet'n'Low.

  • ||

    I'm not welcome, but you let Warty babysit. Your priorities are all fucked.

  • ||

    writing numbers on the shells of hermit crabs with a Sharpie

    This would be an excellent way to set interest rates; are you listening, Ben Bernanke?

  • ||

    Less mess than the headless chicken method.

  • heller||

    "We checked the chart, your Margeritaville's investment value is $9 trillion."

  • ||

    I thought the initial offer was $90 trillion...damn, must have been a margarittaville bubble.

  • ||

    Any word from PETA on the psychological damage done to all the poor hermit crabs not given the number one?

  • @||

    That's for the parents and teachers' unions.
    It takes a village of crabs.

  • Patrick McGoohan||

    Who is number one?

  • ||

    He divided the even and odd crabs into two groups and then told the evens that the odds were more likely to be criminals and sponge off government assistance. And the odds were told that the evens were better at everything they tried and were far more attractive than an odd-numbered crab could ever be.

    Faced with the realization that inter-crab racism was just a social construct, a lot of the crabs broke down. Much healing of racial wounds took place because of the brave actions of Flake and his Sharpie of Racial Justice.

  • ||

    I wake up late and this is what I see. You're all just a bunch of degenerates.

  • Kyle Jordan||

    "Yeah!? Well I may be ugly and hate-filled but... what was that other thing you said?"

    -Moe Syzlack

  • Xeones||

    Much healing of racial wounds took place because of the brave actions of Flake and his Sharpie of Racial Justice.

    Ok, but what color was the Sharpie? Black? Uh huh.

  • ||

    You just think it was black because that's where a sick crab-racist's mind always goes.

  • Russ 2000||

    He's lost his mind.

    Time to vote him off the island.

  • Mango Punch||

    I can think of a lot of politicians who if isolated on an island would be more productive members of society than they are now.

  • ||

    "is that a hermit crab in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

  • alan||

    On the other hand, then we would have been deprived of what may be the only instance of libertarian survivalist beefcake known to man.

    I can't recall any picture of him, but I bet L. Neil Smith is one hunky bastard.

  • ||

  • Sara||

    Thank you KMW! Yumma!

  • Number 6||

    That vacation actually sounds wonderful.

  • ||

    Holy crap, look at that chest.

    Oh my God, I think a Congresscritter is sexy. I feel so, so dirty.

  • ||

    Wow, hot body

  • ||

    He's gonna be buggered by the smoke monster.

  • liberated||

    Mormon libertarian beefcake - the Mormon part kinda makes him less hot. Which brings to mind, how can the Mormon church spit off the likes of Harry Reid, Mitt Romney and Jeff Flake when every Mormon I've ever met seems exactly like the last one I met?

  • ||

    If he gets caught in a sex scandal, at least we know he won't have to pay for it.

  • PicassoIII||

    The fact he's a serious Mormon makes his voting record even more impressive.
    Must be something in the water there in AZ.
    Barry Goldwater anyone?

  • ||

    I have to say I am amazed at the Washington Post comments on the original article.

    They were uniformly positive on the story.

    And yes, Flake does indeed bring the Daddy hotness.

  • jtuf||

    If Flake is single, I wouldn't mind spending a night with him. Unlike a night with Obama, a night with Flake does not require wearing ear plugs.

  • ||

    If you set aside voting record _entirely_ who is the most physically attractive and most unattractive congress_man_?

  • ||

    Waiting for the avalanche of Henry Waxman votes to pour in...

  • PicassoIII||

    If u like em young, Aaron Schock.
    http://www.bromohomo.com/2009/.....ron-shock/

    Working on the 'sean connery' demographic...

  • Jeff Flake||

    I'm afraid I'm shy. Can we talk over there where the others can not see?

  • ||

    I've yet to see who paid for his trip in any article? I see he needed the govt. to get him to the deserted island....did the country pick up the rest of the tab too?

  • ||

    He was supposedly on the island alone, yet someone was there to take pictures of him and he sells the pics to the Washington Post. Conceited much. He was probably alone because his ego was to big for anyone else to be on the island.

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