WARNING: Cocaine Is Not A Drug

In 2007, Las Vegas-based Redux Beverages LLC, under pressure from the FDA and state officials, renamed its premier product "Cocaine," (it's a helluva drink). Redux didn't cave quietly though, renaming the drink "No Name" and "Censored." The company did however, come back in 2008 with the "Cocaine" label.  

But in New Zealand this week, Redux lost another battle. This time to one of the most innocuous groups imaginable: the Kiwi platoon of the Salvation Army:

A complaint from the Salvation Army about an advertisement for the energy drink, Cocaine, has been upheld by the Advertising Standards Authority. ...

The poster advertisement said: "Warning! You are about to experience the highest energy content of ANY energy drink on the market today...BE SMART DO THE DRINK."

The Salvation Army said cocaine was an illegal substance and by using the name cocaine, "the manufacturers and advertisers are legitimising cocaine".

"As people involved in the fight against the ravages of alcohol and drug addiction, we believe that this advertising and product name acts as a trigger to our clients and others who have alcohol/drug addiction problems."...

"Personally, I stand by my stance that anyone that really believes that our product content has any bearing to the drug really has to be a misguided soul" [said the drinks NZ advertiser].

The advertiser said that people did not associate "speed cameras" with the illegal drug speed, or "Coke" with the illegal drug cocaine.

The ASA said that although the product's name was permissible, the advertisement's "Warning!" was a cheap way to "trade off the properties of drugs..." Regardless, the posters were taken down in January amid the complaints, according to the NZPA article. The Salvation Army is now "asking" the company to change the drink's name.

The Salvation Army, however, was not admonished for trading off the properties of the military (the SA's glossary of terms here). The Sally's a helluva group, which does good work around the world. Their alcohol-free accommodations in Mumbai, India, are a wonderful place to enjoy a clean bed and a quiet drink alone. But they should stay out of the business of...actual businesses.

In 2001, Michael Lynch explained why the Salvation Army shouldn't take federal money. Cathy Young expanded on the argument in 2005. If a 280mg shot of caffeine to the gullet isn't your thing, enjoy the Belinda Carlisle Diet instead.

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  • Fist of Etiquette||

    I'm beginning to believe Reason doesn't care about the children at all.

  • Nephilium||

    But the Censored name has already been used for something... Lagunitas Censored Kronik copper ale.

    Nephilium

  • Naga Sadow||

    I'm withholding judgment until I hear from Epi on the strength of the drink.

  • ||

    Who's the bangin lil spinner in the photo???

  • ||

    Should cocaine be illegal? I mean the real thing.

  • High Every Body||

    Should cocaine be illegal? I mean the real thing.

    No.

  • ||

    This Christmas I am going to pee in one of those buckets.

  • ||

    I think the Salvation Army has their complaint exactly wrong - it makes cocaine less legitimate to customers who will expect Rick James-esque adventures, only to be let down by a highly mediocre beverage.

    Example:

    "This is Cocaine? I am underwhelmed. I don't want to be a cokehead. I am going to go back to the perfectly legal snorting of my ADD meds."

    Mission accomplished.

  • ||

    The way to deal with unruly New Zealanders is to subtly mock their accents.

  • ||

    They should have renamed it "Nocaine" or "Yocaine" or something. Years ago there was a similar hubbub about the YSL perfume called "Opium." Moral: Naming a legal substance after an illegal one can cause legal and PR hassles. Duh.

    But the analogy with the Salvation Army "trading off the properties of the military" is a huge stretch. Their name is clearly metaphorical, and metaphorical armies aren't illegal.

  • Cool Cal||

    First of all ... Cocaine does not nearly have the highest caffeine content of all the available consumer energy drinks on the market, and second, I've tried it. It is awful. Admittedly, Redbull grows on you, but they put this cayenne aftertaste that burns your fucking throat in "Cocaine", which I'm assuming is some ridiculous attempt to ape the numbing effect of the post-sniff drip - they would have done better with cortizone.

    If only we could return to the good ole days when there was real blow in Coca-Cola and lithium in 7-up.

  • ||

    That's an accent? I thought it was some sort of Riddley Walker degeneration of the English language to a pidgin dialect fit only for hobbit rapists.

  • ||

    Used to think Salvation Army was different than all those other charities. Guess not.

  • ||

    "It's sort of an evil version of our accents."

  • ||

    I'm withholding judgment until I hear from Epi on the strength of the drink.

    I've never even seen it in a store. Probably sucks.

    You know what I'd like? "Ritalin Dew, the EXTREME ENERGY DRINK with methylphenidate!"

  • the innominate one||

    PapayaSF - unless I'm horribly mistaken, metaphorical armies aren't illegal either

  • Dr. Sigmund Freud||

    Woe to you, my Princess, when I come... you shall see who is the stronger, a gentle little girl who doesn't eat enough or a big wild man who has cocaine in his body.

  • ||

    Srsly, though... if pot is ever legalized, I'm going to come out with a line of boutique marijuana sodas. Not that I know anything about making such a thing now or anything.

  • ||

    It is related enough to hops to brew beer with it Suge. But it's not particularly cost effective unless you grows yer own.

  • ||

    You can make wine (and champagne) with stems and stalks, but the beer is no very psychoactive because even under heat, THC doesn't dissolve well in water.

    Not that I would know anything about that, of course.

  • Naga Sadow||

    Episiarch has spoken! Cease all references to any drink called "Cocaine".

  • ||

    They should change the name to "Eight Ball" and they'd get almost as much trade on the cocaine image and avoid the hassle. Plus it would make for a catchy name as well as a cool logo and color combo.

  • ||

    Srsly, though... if pot is ever legalized, I'm going to come out with a line of boutique marijuana sodas.

    Wow, that sounds delicious (rolls eyes). You could call it "Bongwater". I'm sure it would be a huge hit.

  • ||

    May your tongue whither and die!

  • ||

    the innominate one: Um, what? That's what I said. If you meant "metaphorical illegal substances," true, but the issue is the name. If the Salvation Army called themselves "the United States Army," that would also cause problems.

  • Mad Max||

    'This Christmas I am going to pee in one of those buckets.'

    Are you referring to New Zealand's Salvation Army or the American counterpart?

    Do you intend to retaliate in this way against *every* charitable organization which (as a small part of its work) advocates excessive government regulation?

  • ||

    Do you intend to retaliate in this way against *every* charitable organization which (as a small part of its work) advocates excessive government regulation?

    With enough Gatorade, yes.

    Although I won't pee in the buckets of the charity raising money to buy you a sense of humor.

  • the innominate one||

    PapayaSF - not because the US Army is illegal

    aspartame - a friend of mine (yes, a "friend", really, not me) alleges that you can make the best magic brownies by performing a lipid extraction with the, ahem, interstate commerce.

    Heat some water to just below boiling and melt a stick or two of butter (depending on how much brownies you're making). throw the commerce in the water, then gently pour the melted butter across the water, so it forms a layer on top. THC will come out of the commerce from the heating and preferentially dissolve in the butter as opposed to the water. scoop the butter off, use in the batter. magic brownies w/o stems.

  • ||

    the innominate one,

    I actually prefer hot extraction in pure grain alcohol. Then you can add it to anything. And it's economical. Smoking allows you metabolize maybe 5-10 percent. Hot extraction gets out about 60-75% in a usable form.

    These retards detail the procedure, if you can make it through their ugly site and broken English.

  • ||

    to:
    You can make wine (and champagne) with stems and stalks, but the beer is no very psychoactive because even under heat, THC doesn't dissolve well in water.

    Not that I would know anything about that, of course.


    and this:
    aspartame - a friend of mine (yes, a "friend", really, not me) alleges that you can make the best magic brownies by performing a lipid extraction with the, ahem, interstate commerce.

    When I read stuff like that here, I always assume the poster read it somewhere. I think there is quite the avid group of readers here at H&R.

    Just this weekend I read that a lot of Southeast Asian guys at parties like to smoke their cola. They don't do anything to it first either. No spoon and baking soda thing - not that I know any more about that than what I've read.

  • Invisible Finger||

    they would have done better with cortizone.

    Except cortizone makes you bloat up like the '77 Elvis, whereas real cocaine makes you more like the '68 Elvis.

    Seems stupid, bordering on fraudulent, to call it Cocaine when there's no cocaine in it.

  • ||

    Srsly, though... if pot is ever legalized, I'm going to come out with a line of boutique marijuana sodas.

    Wow, that sounds delicious (rolls eyes). You could call it "Bongwater". I'm sure it would be a huge hit.


    LOL, I was thinking he could market it under the name "Skunk Soda" mmmm, sounds yummy!

  • ||

    A drink that gives you cottonmouth. That is AWESOME. You will be richer than God.

  • wingnutx||

    If anyone wants to invest in my drink company, our premier product is an energy drink called RAPE.

    We also have one in the works named GENOCIDE, and another one called RAPE.

  • ||

    You said rape twice.

  • wingnutx||

    I like rape.

  • ||

    I like rape.

    NOT OK!

  • ||

    "That, you know, I don't know if I believe in God, but..I think he must hate me. Because he allowed you to create a dog that constantly rapes me."

  • MNG||

    This is really stupid. It's just called cocaine. C'mon Salvation Army, stop being so militantly white-bread.

  • MNG||

    They should call it "BENZOYLMETHYL ECGONINE, the drink for kids".

  • wingnutx||

    you can make the best magic brownies by performing a lipid extraction with the, ahem, interstate commerce.

    You can also make some great pesto sauce that way, according to a friend of mine.

  • the innominate one||

    aspartame - it is if wingnutx is the recipient. of course, as my roommate used to say, you can't rape the willing.

  • ||

    As much as it distresses me that the New Zealand branch of my favorite charity is stooping to such lows, I have to come to their defense and ask where is the all the outrage for the countless businesses and other non-profits doing the same. The problem isn't the Salvation Army, the problem is a culture that encourages the use of government courts to regulate the non-violent behaviors of others.

  • wingnutx||

    A few of you are going to be sentenced to 40 hours of remedial Mel Brooks viewing.

  • the innominate one||

    cruel and unusual punishment is still unconstitutional, wingnutx. unlike waterboarding, your sentence is clearly torture.

  • ||

    "I like rape.

    NOT OK!"

    Yeah it is.....it spices up those "not tonight,I've got a headache" evenings...;-)

    "A few of you are going to be sentenced to 40 hours of remedial Mel Brooks viewing."

    Yeah....it sux when people don't get the pop culture references eh? Blazing Saddles wasn't it?

    PS.....Kiwi accents sure baet those whiny yank ones...."OOOOOHHHHH myyyyyyyyyyy Garrrrrrddddd!"



    Yikes!

  • cuernimus||

    Reverend Johnson: Now I don't have to tell you good folks what's been happening in our beloved little town. Sheriff murdered, crops burned, stores looted, people stampeded, and cattle raped. The time has come to act, and act fast. I'm leaving.

  • BakedPenguin||

    ...you could call it "Bongwater".


    ...I was thinking he could market it under the name "Skunk Soda"



    Chronic Tonic.

  • JJ Aldi||

    Oh my goodness...... This is so dam cool, "Cocaine Energy Drink" i mean like come one people...... The Sallys say it's going to make the rehab "angels" relaps, i dont think so!

    BE SMART DO THE DRINK

    "Cocaine Energy Drink" is the best educational tool..... Come on go check the BEBO site out, its the fastest growing BEBO in NZ www.bebo.com/drinkcocainenzl

  • Cocaine Energy Drink||

    Cocaine Energy Drink, what a great name.

    What really is the issue with an Energy Drink called "Cocaine Energy Drink"?.

    Someone please explain to us.

    The problem is never the Drugs. The Problem is one and one thing only.

    "Why do people take them in the first place"?

    Answer that and you will solve the worlds drugs problems, at the same time you may bankrupt prisons. Think about this.

  • Mad Max||

    wingnutx,

    I can do better than that. I have a line of awesome sodas in the works:

    High-Tax Cola, the drink that just keeps on growing.

    Perpetual War soda - the taste that never ends.

  • Tsu Dho Nihm||

    The government needs to do something about Pepsico's use of the label "Mountain Dew". We all know that "Mountain Dew" is in fact a name used for illegally produced and distributed liquor.

    Won't someone please think of the children?

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