Hope They Bought the Service Plan

Radley Balko | September 28, 2008

Buried in the election and Wall Street coverage last week: The Hadron Collider is broken.

Comments

|9.28.08 @ 6:46PM|#

Well THAT explains the continuity of the space-time continuum.

|9.28.08 @ 6:50PM|#

Anyone who is even slightly surprised that an experimental machine pushing the limits of modern technology has glitches upon start up, raise your hand.

Yes, Pollyanna?

Just Plain Brian|9.28.08 @ 7:04PM|#

"Large Hadron Collider Technical Support, how can I help you?.....I see, and are you getting an error message?.....OK, let's try shutting it down and re-starting it...."

rhywun|9.28.08 @ 7:45PM|#

Oh well, back to drawing board.

Jeff P|9.28.08 @ 7:58PM|#

This is obviously the work of agents from the future trying to prevent the impending quantum apocalypse.

Those who deny the existence of future agents may be future agents themselves...

|9.28.08 @ 8:25PM|#

Just do whatever you can to avoid the blue screen of death. There's no rebooting after that.

|9.28.08 @ 9:06PM|#

It's working fine in a different dimension.

|9.28.08 @ 9:38PM|#

They should ask Sarah Palin to help out

Proton Liberation Front|9.28.08 @ 9:47PM|#

FREEDOM

Bingo|9.28.08 @ 9:53PM|#

But does it run Li.. oh wait.

Urkobold™|9.28.08 @ 10:12PM|#

ONE MOMENT. IS THIS THE LARGE HADRON COLLIDER OR THE LARGE HARDON COLLIDER? THE URKOBOLD HAS PHILOSOPHICAL OBJECTIONS TO THE LATTER.

|9.28.08 @ 10:33PM|#

What, is it stuck in the shape of a Police Box?

P Bar Liberation Front|9.28.08 @ 10:48PM|#

ANTI FREEDOM

Tzolkin|9.28.08 @ 10:55PM|#

They say they be back up in 2009, but really they'll do their full power test on Dec 21, 2012.

the innominate one|9.28.08 @ 11:54PM|#

my lord URKOBOLD: like so?

|9.28.08 @ 11:58PM|#

"What's this button do?"

*later*

"What's that smell?"

Spicoli|9.29.08 @ 1:58AM|#

Relax, all right? My old man is a television repairman, he's got this ultimate set of tools. I can fix it.

|9.29.08 @ 4:03AM|#

Not to worry, it's insured by AIG.

|9.29.08 @ 4:14AM|#

This is obviously the work of agents from the future trying to prevent the impending quantum apocalypse.

Dammit, Jeff P, you stole what I was going to post.

Oh well. Let's raise a toast to the Time Patrol! Good job!

|9.29.08 @ 4:16AM|#

Reporting: Successfully deleted Darkly post that unwitting revealed the existence of the Time Patrol.

|9.29.08 @ 4:19AM|#

Negative, Agent Volkross! Your attempt was not successful! We suspect interference from counter-Patrol forces! Go to Condition Red!

|9.29.08 @ 4:21AM|#

deleted reference to 2012 Civil War. Reporting: Successfully

|9.29.08 @ 4:25AM|#

WARNING to all field agents operating on the Indo-European/Graeco-Roman-Semetic North American timeline! Time Patrol Agent Geofri Parzonskivad (operating on your time line as "Jeff P.") has gone rogue! Repeat, gone rogue! Is actively opposing our efforts to repair the

Jeff P|9.29.08 @ 4:29AM|#

Anyone ever read the very short story Wikihistory?
Gaze upon our future:

http://www.abyssandapex.com/200710-wikihistory.html

|9.29.08 @ 4:31AM|#

Reporting severe disruption of this timeline! Due to enemy action, Virginia Postrel is no longer editor of Reason magazine! Believe disruption of timeflow was effected approx. 2000 Common Era (local timeline data). WITHOUT POSTREL EDITORIAL SUPPORT IN 2007-2008 THERE WILL BE NO RON PAUL PRESIDENCY! REQUEST REINFORCEMENTS IMMEDIATELY!

|9.29.08 @ 4:35AM|#

ALERT! Have identified "Nick Gillespie" as Nikon Espagila, a Zarkonian Pro-Entropic Disrupter agent. Extremely dangerous.

|9.29.08 @ 4:36AM|#

This is the worst disaster to strike this timeline since the 2012 Civil War!

|9.29.08 @ 4:48AM|#

Now Parzonskivad is posting links to secure forums. I just had to edit the netsite to make it look like a "scientifiction" story.

Zandreau says to fall back and regroup.

Kalon, meet me at the Goldwater Presidential Monument on the Feast of Wenceslas, 1999 (local time), and we'll figure out where to go from here. These transmissions may no longer be secure.

Jeff P|9.29.08 @ 6:19AM|#

I once thought I was lost in time, then I realized I was just in Morris Day and The Time.

Jeff P|9.29.08 @ 6:23AM|#

A glance at the ads on this page would make a time traveller from 20 years ago think the timeline was askew.
Man eveolved from neanderthals.
Drew Carey hosts Price is Right.
Reason's been around 40 years...

|9.29.08 @ 8:42AM|#

Do they have a router? It's obviously the router.

|9.29.08 @ 9:14AM|#

Wait, is the collider in the control of the Snakes or the Spiders? It matters, dude. Temporal wars are a bitch. BIG TIME.

|9.29.08 @ 9:49AM|#

This is obviously the work of agents from the future trying to prevent the impending quantum apocalypse.

If they needed to come back in time to prevent a quantum apocalypse, wouldn't that mean that, if they didn't do so, there would be a quantum apocalypse? And no future for them to come back from?

Just askin', is all.

DADIODADDY|9.29.08 @ 10:53AM|#

HUUUGE BLAAAACK HOOOOLE SUUUUUCKING INNNNN EVVVVVERRRY THHIIIING AHHHHHHHHH.....

|9.29.08 @ 10:58AM|#

If there's anything I hate, it's a time travel story/arc. Or thread.

DADIODADDY|9.29.08 @ 11:02AM|#

RCDEAN
Damn you and your logical conundrums..

Citizen Nothing, member I.A.T.|9.29.08 @ 11:05AM|#

EVERYONE incapacitates the Large Hadron Collider on their first trip. It'll be fixed in 2009, as always.

|9.29.08 @ 11:10AM|#

R C Dean | September 29, 2008, 9:49am | #
...If they needed to come back in time to prevent a quantum apocalypse, wouldn't that mean that, if they didn't do so, there would be a quantum apocalypse? And no future for them to come back from?

That's in THIS dimension. In other dimensions they figured out what the problem would be in certain conditions. As soon as you turn on something like the LHC, they are able to move in from other dimensions where they already know our future. If we haven't disabled the catastrophe settings yet, they just tweak the machine to break it, and continue that until we get it right.


HUUUGE BLAAAACK HOOOOLE SUUUUUCKING INNNNN EVVVVVERRRY THHIIIING

Don't be silly. The thing's broken. The best it can do right now is produce very very light gray holes.

|9.29.08 @ 12:27PM|#

That's in THIS dimension. In other dimensions they figured out what the problem would be in certain conditions.

Well, if you're going to go all multiple universes on me, then there must be (effectively) an infinite number of universes with LHCs. The odds of our Good Samaritans from the future putting in an appearance in any particular universe/timeline are pretty much zero.

Temporal Agent Wundal|9.29.08 @ 3:17PM|#

Sorry, guys, it was either prevent the Great Depression of 2009 or break the LHC, I didn't have enough battery power to do both.

P.S. Buy gold. And ammo.

DADIODADDY|9.29.08 @ 4:03PM|#

ChrisH
you're correct of course, you'll forgive the momentary hysteria and mindless panic...how much damage could a very very light gray hole create? at best it could make a giant sucking sound (all our jobs going to a different dimension?)damn transdimensional beings, doing the jobs that the inhabitantss of this spatial-temporal realm won't.

|9.29.08 @ 4:15PM|#

And the timeline has finally been restored to its original form! Good work, Imperial Timeguard Patrol!

|10.2.08 @ 12:56AM|#

!gnineppah si esle gnihtemoS !taiW

|10.2.08 @ 12:57AM|#

"!iaW" eb dluohs "taiW" !spoO

|10.2.08 @ 1:00AM|#

".weivrefta" ylno ",weiverp" esu tonnac I ,desrever sah emit fo wolf eht esuaceB

|10.3.08 @ 3:35PM|#

Good thing Stevo isn't related to the Zatara family.

Kevin

|10.6.08 @ 1:29PM|#

Not to worry, volks. Everydhing is back to normal enouw.