It's Not, You Know, Man On Orc, Man On Elf, Or Whatever the Case May Be.

David Weigel | October 18, 2006

Pennsylvanians, get thee to the polling booth and re-elect Rick Santorum! What other tribune of the people could offer hard-nosed policy analysis like this?

"As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else," Santorum said, describing the tool the evil Lord Sauron used in search of the magical ring that would consolidate his power over Middle Earth.

"It's being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the U.S.," Santorum continued. "You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don't want the Eye to come back here to the United States."

All joking aside, how much sense does this analogy make? Was Santorum referring to the hobbits' final approach up Mount Doom, when Aragorn (George Bush) was convincing the men of Gondor (Tony Blair) and Rohan (John Howard) to make a final, diversionary push at the Black Gates? Or is he referring to the entire quest of Frodo and Sam (300 million Americans), which was aided at various points by mystical creatures - the Ents, the Dead Men of Dunharrow - that don't have any easy relations in the real war on terror?

Bonus question: How ridiculous does Santorum need to get before pro-war stalwarts stop taking him so seriously?

Comments

|10.18.06 @ 1:48AM|#

We have to be willing to use our Death Star on the insurgents. Oh wait, that story didn't turn out right. After all, I don't want them to drop a load in my exhaust port. That would cause Santorum to fly out everywhere.

Paul|10.18.06 @ 4:33AM|#

Politicians...they're not our best and brightest.

Jim Bob|10.18.06 @ 6:26AM|#

I don't think ol' Ricky could explain that to anyone's satisfaction. Who in his mind is this evil eye, and why is it looking toward Eyeraq a GOOD thing?

Also, Rick seems to have twenty or forty more teeth than a normal human being. What's up with that?

|10.18.06 @ 7:31AM|#

With that statement, I think Santorum just suffered a -20 hit on both his charisma and intelligence.

But I'll hazard a guess. The "hobbits" in his analogy represent Foley and a faithful, spunky page-boy.

|10.18.06 @ 7:45AM|#

Word on the street is that Larry Craig is gay. Good for him.

|10.18.06 @ 7:57AM|#

the use of the word "tool" seems particularly apt in any story about Rick Santorum, but with a slightly different emphasis

|10.18.06 @ 8:27AM|#

I think he's referring to the terrorists being the eye of Mordor. But it sure sounds like the Eye is American public opinion, and Santorum wants it not to focus on what's going on in the USA. Which, if I were him, I wouldn't like either.

Sandy|10.18.06 @ 8:50AM|#

You're right, MNG. What he's saying is while we're worrying about Iraq, we're not worring about the dread spectre of gay midget sex.

I mean, if you have midget-on-man sex, then can biracial couples be far behind?

thoreau|10.18.06 @ 8:53AM|#

Serious response: This just shows that Republicans are delusional enough to think that we face an existential threat from a handful of dudes in caves.

Less serious response: The problem is that the Republicans aren't hobbits, they're Boromir. They want the Ring for themselves, to become a new Dark Lord.

Least serious response: You know how politicians are conceived? An orc sodomizes a troll.

thoreau|10.18.06 @ 9:02AM|#

Given how batshit insane Republicans have been since 9/11, I'm pretty sure that on the morning of 9/12 some of them swore an oath that included these lines:

"...to pursue with vengeance and hatred to the ends of the World Vala, Demon, Elf or Man as yet unborn, or any creature, great or small, good or evil, that time should bring forth unto the end of days, whoso should hold or take or keep a Silmaril...."

|10.18.06 @ 9:06AM|#

I am not at all surprised by the Eye of Sauron analogy. Those who favor the war see the US fighting an epic battle against evil, just like in The Lord of the Rings. The problem is, what we are really seeing is the petty brutality of The Lord of the Flies.

|10.18.06 @ 9:09AM|#

It would be nice to have a leadership that would toss the Ring into Mount Doom, rather than attempt to wield it. I have no doubts what the current crew would do.

|10.18.06 @ 9:24AM|#

Rick looks so proud of himself in this picture. Did he just get the last bit of santorum out of his teeth?

thoreau|10.18.06 @ 9:43AM|#

Is it possible that this really is an epic battle between good and evil, but we're Numenor under Ar-Pharazon?

|10.18.06 @ 9:50AM|#

HA! HA!

|10.18.06 @ 10:04AM|#

And everywhere when it gets dark the nazgul will be there and it was a woman aowin that slew the lord of the nazgul

|10.18.06 @ 10:21AM|#

"""Serious response: This just shows that Republicans are delusional enough to think that we face an existential threat from a handful of dudes in caves.

Less serious response: The problem is that the Republicans aren't hobbits, they're Boromir. They want the Ring for themselves, to become a new Dark Lord.""""

I agree but I don't think it's reserved for the Republicans. The Democrats think the same thing, and there is a competition as to who can be toughest on those cave dudes. That means more crack downs, more anti-privacy laws, more surveillence, more totalitarianism infused into America's fabric.

It always seems to be more of the same. A power grab over who gets to legislate your life.

Jennifer|10.18.06 @ 10:39AM|#

Dear Lord, spare me from politicians attempting to wax metaphorical. At least when they use the wrong metaphors. Maybe it would be more accurate to say something like, "The coyote of American world power is attempting to catch the road runner of a stable democratic Middle East, but his plans were sabotaged by the Acme company of incompetent war plans thus causing the coyote to plunge over the cliff of insurgency and smash himself on the hard ground of IEDs. . . ." no, that one sucks too. But at least I'm capable of recognizing that. Too bad Santorum isn't.

|10.18.06 @ 10:51AM|#

thoreau,

Nah, I can't figure out a Sauron in the mix to deceive us. Rove just doesn't cut it, in my book. Maybe the next administration will result in America sinking beneath the waves, though. I'm moving to Middle Earth!

|10.18.06 @ 10:58AM|#

Once again, Rick Santorum blows his Saving Roll vs. Dumbass.

Jennifer|10.18.06 @ 10:59AM|#

Give up on the Lord of the Rings, Pro L. Hello? Road runners live in the desert. Iraq is a desert. Do I have to spell it out for you?

|10.18.06 @ 11:16AM|#

This speech underscores the need for a Registry of Prohibited Political Analogies from Art, including TV shows, movies, and novels. Artists and their heirs could register certain works and for 100 years from the date of registry, no pundit would be allowed to use any character or plotline as an analogy to current events. Politicians and pundits would no longer be able to refer to our enemies as "the forces of Mordor," "the Klingons," "the Cylons" (that last one is big this year) or "the Evil Empire." In addition to permitting the rest of us to enjoy our entertainment without endorsing disagreeable political opinions, it would require speechwriters to go to the library and find some new references. Maybe they or their bosses might learn something in the process.

|10.18.06 @ 11:18AM|#

Jennifer,

Um, therefore, road runners live in Iraq?

* * *

Are you implying that Acme doesn't have the United States' best interests in mind?

|10.18.06 @ 11:18AM|#

Rick looks so proud of himself in this picture. Did he just get the last bit of santorum out of his teeth?

Savage Love?

Rick Santorum is a tool, and one of the reasons I just changed my party affiliation to Libertarian. I can't wait to vote against him in a few days.

|10.18.06 @ 11:21AM|#

Jennifer

Does this make George Bush into Wylie Coyote hovering in the air until gravity kicks in and he plummets 3 miles to the canyon floor below?

Who would be the Acme Company, selling him all those defective products?

|10.18.06 @ 11:44AM|#

Why does ACME and the road runner hate America? God bless Wil E. Coyote.

|10.18.06 @ 11:59AM|#

Who would be the Acme Company, selling him all those defective products?

The Republican party?

|10.18.06 @ 12:03PM|#

With those snappers, it looks like Rep. Santorum is auditioning for the role of the Mouth of Sauron in Jackson's movie, without the need of makeup or prosthetics.

Wild Pegasus|10.18.06 @ 12:05PM|#

Marriage is between one man and one orc.

- Josh

|10.18.06 @ 12:08PM|#

No, Jennifer, I reject your analogy and substitute my own. See, I like Wile E. Coyoté. As should you, as a "Feral Genius", now that I think about it.

I just read that Chuck Jones got the idea for the Road Runner-Coyote cartoons from Mark Twain's Roughing It. That's pretty cool.

Jennifer|10.18.06 @ 12:54PM|#

Christ, I don't know why I bother sometimes. Look, ACME is to HALLIBURTON as MOBY DICK is to the FORCES OF NATURE, except for when ACME is to the PRESIDENT and JOINT CHIEFS OF STAFF as YORICK'S SKULL is to HUMAN MORTALITY, and the ROAD RUNNER is to SECULAR DEMOCRACY as BUGS BUNNY is to ACTUAL FUCKING RABBITS.

The obvious conclusion is that our Iraqi adventure is a clusterfuck of mythic proportions.

|10.18.06 @ 12:59PM|#

Jennifer,

Um, so you favor the continued occupation of Iraq, do you? That's surprising.

Jennifer|10.18.06 @ 1:03PM|#

(sigh) No, Pro L, I do not, as my above metaphors made abundantly clear.

Tsk, tsk. This is why the SAT test-writers should never have dropped the "analogy" section.

|10.18.06 @ 1:11PM|#

I'm still waiting for 'Wylie' Bush to look down and realize he's run off the edge of the cliff.

Then gravity can kick in.

|10.18.06 @ 1:20PM|#

I want to live in Teletubbies Land.
Seems very peaceful.
No politics. No beheadings. Just lots of rabbits.
And those weirdo midgets.

|10.18.06 @ 1:39PM|#

Oh, Jennifer, I was joshing. Though I daresay you deserved a fit of apoplectic rage for your inapt analogy between the president and Wile E. Coyoté, Super Genius. For shame.

Aresen,

Bush's rebuttal is so blindingly obvious that I hesitate to state it. But, of course, I shall: "I know that this defies the law of gravity, but you see, I never studied law."

|10.18.06 @ 1:49PM|#

Santorum et al have to go with the literary analogies (however poor) because any reasonable historical analogies would demonstrate just how bad the situation is. I personally find it distressing the administration has taken their justifications for Iraq straight from the Spanish playbook for the Dutch Revolt... which lasted eighty years and resulted in the most powerful nation in the world being flung bodily into the ranks of the second-rate powers.

|10.18.06 @ 1:50PM|#

"Thank you, thank you, Conrad Poohs and his exploding teeth - a smile, two fangs, and an excuse me!"

|10.18.06 @ 2:07PM|#

PL

I'm not religious, but I like this quote:

"There are millions of laws legislators have spoken
A handful the creator sent
The former are being continually broken
The latter can't even be bent."

|10.18.06 @ 2:16PM|#

Works for me, Aresen. Even without discussions of a deity, many libertarians believe in some concept of natural law, as tenuous a concept as that may be.

|10.18.06 @ 2:49PM|#

The last time I saw a mouth like that, it was drawn by Stan Lee.

|10.18.06 @ 3:24PM|#

Stevo, the last time I saw a mouth like that it was in an illustration in an H. P. Lovecraft anthology. Many compliments today to the researcher who found all these pictures the subjects wish would go away.

|10.18.06 @ 4:18PM|#

Actually, the photo looks like he's being rogered by an fence post.

And enjoying it.

|10.18.06 @ 11:09PM|#

Holy shit. Slap a helmet on him, and he would look JUST LIKE Sauron's emissary from the end of the third movie.