The chief of detectives shoved his hands into the pockets of his trenchcoat and tugged at the brim of his fedora. “We’ve got a murder on our hands, gentlemen.”
“Aw man, on New Year’s Eve? Who’s the stiff?” asked the sidekick character. (One thing about detective stories, starting with Sherlock Holmes’ Dr. Watson and continuing through Kinky Friedman’s Ratso, there’s always a sidekick character.)
“Some guy named Cuts. Bush Tax Cuts. He died right at midnight, and it looks suspicious. And it’s too bad. I mean, it’s usually too bad, and I don’t usually like to get sentimental over stiffs, but it seems like this guy did a lot of good,” said the chief of detectives, fumbling with the wrapper of a Nicorette. (One other thing about detective stories, starting with Sherlock Holmes’ pipe and continuing through Kinky Friedman’s cigar, is that the detective always smokes. But times are changing.)
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” said the sidekick. “How old was he?”
“A kid, basically,” replied the chief of detectives. “Depending on how you count, he was either 11 or 9.”
“Wow, that’s young,” said the sidekick.
“Well, yes and no,” said the chief of detectives. “A lot of people thought he was going to get killed about four years ago, or two years ago, but he lasted longer than anyone thought. Even now there’s talk about trying to resurrect or save some parts of him, but if you ask me that’s something different entirely.”
“Huh?” said the sidekick.
“Ah, forget it,” said the chief of detectives. “The truth is, violence runs in the family.”
“Huh?” said the sidekick. (Another thing about detective stories is that the sidekick exists to make the detective look smart by comparison.)
“Remember that Reagan Tax Cut case we had a couple decades back?” the chief asked.
“The one where the vice president did it?” asked the sidekick.
“Yeah. That time around the stiff was just five years old. And the perp in that one was this victim’s pop,” said the chief of detectives.
“Man, so all that stuff they teach at the Harvard School of Public Health about violence running through families over generations and the need for early intervention is actually true,” said the sidekick.
“Hey, watch it. You’re supposed to be the sidekick, not some kind of social worker,” said the chief of detectives.