Hallucinating Customer Service Hell

A depressing two-hour call with XFinity Chatbots.

Ready or not, AI is here. Even when you don't know it. I recently bought a WiFi extender from XFinity. The $125 device was marketed as a way to extend the signal of my wireless network to the upstairs, where the connection sometime drops. I plugged it in, and followed all of the instructions, several times, but it would not connect. I realized I would need help, and braced for an unpleasant experience.

I dialed the XFinity customer service number. After a brief wait (the first sign something as amiss), I was connected with Agent #1, who started asking me for my information, which I provided. Agent #1 sounded cheerful enough, but there was something odd about her voice. She stuttered, stopped mid-sentence, said words that made no sense, and wouldn't answer any of my questions. Agent #1 was a chatbot. Agent #1 then said she had to connect me to another department.

Agent #2, another cheerful person with a different voice picked up. Yet Agent #2 asked me for my information with the same exact questions as Agent #1. Another chatbot. Agent #2 tried very hard to help me. I think this AI was programmed for obsequiousness. Agent #2 said she was trying to reset my router, or something like that. Every 30 seconds or so, she would come back on the line and say "Joshua, please hold for a few more seconds, I am so thankful for your patience." She would repeat the same message, verbatim, over and over again. No human being would ever communicate in this fashion. I felt like I was in some strange doom loop. Once the reset failed to solve the problem, Agent #2 said she was starting some other process. I asked her what the process was, but she wouldn't tell me. Every minute or so, she would come in and update me on the percentage: 30%, 40%, 50%, 60%, 70%, and 80%. I asked Agent #2 again what she was doing, and she refused to tell me. I think there was some kind of hallucination. She was making up some solution to help me that wasn't real. Then the call disconnected. I was furious.

Miraculously, XFinity called me back. I was stuck with Agent #3, who again asked me for my information with the same script. She connected me with Agent #4. Agent #4 was unable to determine what Agent #2 did, I'm convinced, because the entire experience was a hallucination. Agent #4 asked to reset the modem, and go through the same steps Agent #2 did. At this point I started having fun and asked questions. I asked Agent #4 what her name was. I am fairly certain she gave a different name then when the call began. I asked her when she is calling from. She ignored the question. At that point, the chatbot seemed to sense I wanted to be conversational, so she asked me questions. Agent #4 asked if I had any weekend plans. Then she asked if I have any hobbies. It was like the most awkward date I could imagine. (I cannot fathom how people develop romantic relations with chat bots.) Agent #4 then said that the system would take an hour to fix, and I would receive a text message in an hour to confirm it was fixed. I asked what exactly needed an hour to fix. She couldn't tell me. I think this was another hallucination just to get me off the phone. Does Xfinity actually program these outcomes? The call disconnected.

One hour later, my extender still did not work. I received the text message, and indicated the problem remained. Agent #5 called, and offered to set up a visit from a technician. Hallelujah! I gladly agreed. I was desperate to talk to an actual human being.

A few days later, an XFinity agent arrived during the scheduled window. He quickly determined that the line to my house had a weak signal, and installed a new Gateway (router). But the extender I bought was defective. He told me to return it, and buy a Google mesh extender, which was cheaper and more effective. I immediately followed his advice.

Alas, I had to go back to the Chatbot to return the broken extender. This time I tried the text interface. I could not fathom calling back to AI agent hell. Agent #6 told me told I could bring the device to any XFinity store to return it. I asked Agent #6 could provide a prepaid UPS label. The chatbot would provide a UPS label for the Gateway (which I did not want to return) but not for the extender. I asked again about a UPS label. Agent #6 told me (I kid you not) to just bring the box to UPS and they would take it. Of course this wouldn't work. UPS can't just know what to do. Another hallucination. [Update: Two readers wrote in that UPS can scan the bar code on the equipment and know what to do. I am skeptical, but I'll give it a try.]

To hell with it. I will just schlep to the XFinity store. Hopefully, there will be a person who can help me.

I think back to the creepy 1996 comedy, The Cable Guy with Jim Carrey. Cable Guys were notorious for being rude, late, and unhelpful. With the benefit of hindsight, I will take the cable guy over an AI chatbot any day.