Handsome Debonair Guy v. Family Dollar Store Owner

Complaint: I, Handsome Debonair Guy, was assaulted by Family Dollar Store employees. While I was shoplifting. They broke my ribs and gouged my throat with 2-inch fingernails. Now I'm suing for (a) $3.5 million, or (b) an out-of-court settlement for $350K and court fees and "(5) single bars of gold - 1 oz each," or (c) $1M cash and court fees.

Judge: Plaintiffs generally can't proceed anonymously. There are some exceptions, but it's up to the plaintiff to show they apply. You're suing "under the pseudonym 'Handsome Debonair Guy,'" but you haven't asked permission to do that. Let me explain how you can ask for such permission.

Response: No, you don't understand. I used to be Maurice Kingwood, but in 2005 I officially changed my name to Handsome Debonair Guy. While I was in jail. See, here's the New York court order so stating.

Oddly, that appears to be a winning argument for Mr. Guy on this point, though I think he's going nowhere with his federal claim (which is for alleged violations of the Eighth and Fourteenth Amendments, but those apply only to government action and not to the Family Dollar Store).