Desperate Mayors Compete for Amazon HQ2 (Sketch)

Local politicians clash as they try to lure Amazon's new headquarters to their towns.

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Cities across the country want Amazon HQ2 and the 50,000 jobs promised to come with it. Some municipalities are offering big incentives. When New Jersey puts $7 billion in tax credits on the table, how can small-town mayors compete? By really screwing taxpayers.

Written and performed by Austin Bragg and Andrew Heaton. Produced and edited by Bragg.

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  1. My city is trying to lure them in. I’m pretty sure they’ll fail.

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  2. Agreeing to not steal from Amazon seems like a reasonable concession if they set up shop in your jurisdiction.

  3. Desperate Mayors would make a good Netflix or Amazon original series….

    4 mayors of medium sized but economically struggling cities become friends on one drunken night at the National Mayors’ Conference in St. Louis, then go back home to face the difficulties of mayoring in the Age of Trump, dealing with protests after police shootings, and alt-right speakers facing counter-protests and alt-left hoodlums defacing statues of the city’s founders.

    They help each other out through Skype and Facetime, then face their biggest challenge yet as they go head to head to try to lure Gigantocorp’s second HQ to their towns, threatening their newfound friendships….

    1. No lie, i’d watch that. Can one of the mayors be Kyle Machlachlan as his Portlandia character?

  4. Offtopic: the ad on this page was for some company called “Two Marines Moving” featuring two guys dressed like Best Buy workers kneeling behind a panel truck with AR-15s

    Who is that ad supposed to appeal to? Because when I see that, it makes them look crazy.

  5. All Spotsyltucky has to offer are clean nuclear power, coupons for Cracker Barrel and some Confedrate flags. Maybe if the feds help we can throw in passes to the battlefields.
    There are some benefits living where the government can’t compete in the pursuit of crony capitalism. We also can’t afford to rename our schools to please the mob.

    1. Well, the DID mention “incentives” no less than 22 times in their RFP, so it’s most likely they want the kind of place that provides a stable business environment which means avoiding “massive special carve-outs” FOR ANYONE ELSE.

  6. Given the HQ2 RFP specifically mentioned Amazon’s desire for “A stable and business-friendly environment” (p.1), “A stable and business-friendly environment and tax structure” (p.5), and “A stable and consistent business climate” (p.5), it’s not particularly obvious that massive special carve-outs for Amazon is a particularly good strategy.

  7. Mister Monopoly wouldn’t beat coal orphans.

    He has orphans of his own to do that.

  8. I think, if I were a high school student and Amazon moved in, I would actually like my school to change the team name to “The Primes”

  9. I heard Amarillo, Texas is the current front-runner.

    1. Perhaps Amazon wants to take over the nuclear weapons facility.

  10. New Jersey needs to offer way more tax breaks than anyone else for obvious reasons.

  11. Although I plan on getting out of this hellhole in the next couple years anyway, I have lived in Seattle for 12 years, and all I can say is I wish Amazon had done this 10 years ago! It might have spared Seattle from getting completely ruined. It was a commie shit show already back then of course, but at least it had some genuine cool stuff and character. 95% of everything I liked about this city has been demolished and replaced with generic apartment buildings and ramen restaurants 🙁 It’s not that I don’t like ramen, but holy hell everything has just got ridiculous.

    1. Care to explain more, vek? I am truly curious.

  12. Oh bring it, Brogden, Andersonville. SALT. LAKE. CITY.

    Expansion to 8 million square feet? Try EIGHTY MILLION. We got freaking land with NOTHIN’ on it. AND you can buy off the Ute Indian tribe pretty cheap to pollute the shit out of it! Where else you gonna get that?

    Close to the (rapidly-expanding Delta hub) airport? Check. Business friendly? Oh big check! Educated population? Yep. Good place to live? Check and let us know where your execs settle and we’ll zone in liquor laws to your taste.

    You want women? Oh, we got. And remember-all these blondes are descended from Scandinavian beauties who were gullible enough to move halfway across the world on the promises of a Mormon polygamist!!

    What? Taxes? Monetary incentives? You want us to give up…money? Hey! Look at these beautiful mountains! Did we mention the mild four-season climate?

    (this is my reconstruction of the SLC bid. I trust our Mormon rulers to NOT give up the money, though.)

  13. Oh bring it, Brogden, Andersonville. SALT. LAKE. CITY.

    Expansion to 8 million square feet? Try EIGHTY MILLION. We got freaking land with NOTHIN’ on it. AND you can buy off the Ute Indian tribe pretty cheap to pollute the shit out of it! Where else you gonna get that?

    Close to the (rapidly-expanding Delta hub) airport? Check. Business friendly? Oh big check! Educated population? Yep. Good place to live? Check and let us know where your execs settle and we’ll zone in liquor laws to your taste.

    You want women? Oh, we got. And remember-all these blondes are descended from Scandinavian beauties who were gullible enough to move halfway across the world on the promises of a Mormon polygamist!!

    What? Taxes? Monetary incentives? You want us to give up…money? Hey! Look at these beautiful mountains! Did we mention the mild four-season climate?

    (this is my reconstruction of the SLC bid. I trust our Mormon rulers to NOT give up the money, though.)

  14. I get Comedy Central and sometimes watch it. Last night’s John Oliver commentary on corporate inducements with poor ROI was pretty funny. Kentucky’s investment in the Noah’s Ark park and the pointless back and forth between Kansas and Missouri was particularly cringe-worthy.

  15. Video was funny, even if it didn’t have Sarah in it.

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