The Miami GOP Debate in 90 Seconds

It was a very substantive-and elegant-evening.

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The Miami GOP Debate in 90 Seconds

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Donald Trump and the three other Republican candidates hoping to stop him from capturing the nomination took the stage in Miami last night in a final attempt to sway voters before next week's primary elections in Florida and Ohio. 

Instead of getting a repeat of the verbal cage match from previous debates, viewers were treated to a discussion on substantive issues like trade, education, social security, and foreign policy. Even Trump found the evening "elegant." 

If you didn't get to watch the debate, we've got you covered. Here's everything you need to know in 90 seconds. 

Produced by Alexis Garcia and Alex Manning. Music by Podington Bear. 

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Comments

[Fist of Etiquette]

Kasich gets a shock and awe reference in. How is he still invited to these things?

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[Brian]

argle-blargle!

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[Drake]

I watched a few minutes at the gym. They were talking about Common Core.

Trump wants less federal control of schools - decent answer

Kasich loves Common Core and defended it - what an ass

Cruz wants to defund all of it and get rid of the Department of Education - we have a winner!

Then I was done on the bike and hit the weight room.

[BiPolarMoment]

You call your wife the weight room?

[Citizen X]

No, no, no. He calls her "the bike."

[DEATFBIRSECIA]

No! She's the Common Core.

[BiPolarMoment]

So you're saying he orgasms to Ted Cruz? I mean, he does have a pretty mouth.

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[american socialist]

I watched the debate and simultaneously made an excel spreadsheet. At the top row I entitled my cells, "candidate", "wants to go to war with Isis in Syria?", "doesn't mind committing war crimes while we are there?". I then listed the candidates and made check marks on whether the above statements were true. I got 8 check marks.

These guys are our Libertarian Great Male White Hope? Maybe we should demand a recount in the hopes of a massive voter suppression campaign against Dr. Ben Carson. Right-wingers have been know to commit these sorts of things against Carson's kind of person so maybe there's some faint glimmer of hope. Crosses fingers.

[Citizen X]

1.4/10, try harder next time.

[american socialist]

Maybe I should have made a 4th column "wants to try out pop-Austrian economics to appeal to Gold Bugs and Bitcoin drug dealers" for more points

[JPyrate]

-3 billy goats

[american socialist]

Hi, is giving the rhetorical finger to Ted cruz's type of politics considered trolling in these parts? I've been here a while and I still can't get all your libertarians rulz and regulations straight.

[Citizen X]

Or you could have paid your mortgage.

[Brian]

I'm just sad that the socialist moment died in the democrat primary.

[american socialist]

Is this evidenced by the shining success of the Paul campaign or the utter collapse of the Sanders' one? Which one of these politicians explicitly expressed doubt about going into Syria, I wonder? Principles over principals is like my favorite come back around here. I guess I've learned some rulz.

[Brian]

I'm feeling the Bern. I need an ointment.

[american socialist]

For a person that calls himself a libertarian you sure do have a curious reaction to a pro-choice, pro gay marriage, non-wall building, anti Iraq war politician. Principals over principles?

[Brian]

Wow. You read my reaction to republicans?

So, you're hallucinating.

You've got the Bern bad, my friend.

[Heroic Mulatto]

I watched the debate and simultaneously made an excel spreadsheet.

Why the fuck you lying?

[Suthenboy]

You did notice his name, yes? No real need to ask that question.

[Crusty Juggler]

I watched the debate while sketching out characters for the next great American novel, and simultaneously made an Excel spreadsheet while masturbating, and I did it all while sitting in a public park.

[american socialist]

How was it?

[Rational Exuberance]

These guys are our Libertarian Great Male White Hope?

Whatever gave you that idea? These guys are absolutely awful and they are certainly no more libertarians that the Democrats. Their only merit is that they are still less awful than Hillary or Sanders, perhaps not even in their policies, then in their selection of SCOTUS judges.

[Jackand Ace]

90 seconds? At least that's more than they spent on science.

I must admit the Kasich response to the question on climate change was comical, as it reminded me of Seinfeld when he was in first class.

"Yes, man contributes to climate change, but MORE OF EVERYTHING!"

Maybe next debate the only two candidates with a chance of winning will get asked a question on science.

[DEATFBIRSECIA]

The Trump - Sanders debate won't be until the general, and that's a ways off.

My hope is that Hillary is watching it between iron bars.

[Brian]

I wish they'd ask all the candidates how many valence electrons carbon has.

But most people would give them all a break for not knowing, democrat and republican alike. Most right-thinking people wouldn't have a clue what the answer is, either.

[american socialist]

I know-- with one exception. I trust Republicans on the House Committee on Science, Technology, and Space more than scientists when these lawyers and lawyers talk about global climate change. Other than that, politicians should fucking shut up on scientific issues. Like on GMOs, for example. Politicians should get behind the 60% scientific consensus that eating GMOs at McDonalds all day isn't all that bad.

[Brian]

I wouldn't be too hard on them for not knowing much about the fundamentals of organic life on earth.

After all, politicians like Trump and Clinton are very busy with important matters, like deferring their policy positions to political windsock analysts while they foster their own cults of personality, and, to the degree that fails, selling their political clout to the highest bidder, for whatever political currency they're after in the moment.

They wouldn't have time for important facts about the universe, like whether or not it actually revolves around them, or just appears to do so.

I look forward to the brave new world one of these people will lead us into.

[Rational Exuberance]

I wouldn't be too hard on them for not knowing much about the fundamentals of organic life on earth.

Hillary's husband practiced panspermia, and so Hillary should be quite familiar with life on earth, shouldn't she?

[lulztopian]

climate "science" is like a shibboleth with you people. meanwhile, the "party of science" has economic and genomic ignoramuses running around causing far more damage than any .1 degree rise in average temperature could hope to cause.

[Jackand Ace]

Well, that's fine.

However, in the meantime, the U.S. and Canada just came to an agreement to begin to regulate methane emissions. Just this week. Couple that with Paris, and EPA rules on CO2, just to mention a few, solutions are being implemented.

If these are bad ideas for s problem that is non-existent, it might behoove the future leader of the GOP to opine on it.

[Brian]

Oh, it's all being fixed.

Good. I was worried for a second that the government would just global warming run its course, not willing to spend the resources and to implement the regulations necessary to switch is off a fossil fuel burning energy dependence, out of the sheer political reality of what that would entail.

Whew.

[Jackand Ace]

Nothing to be concerned about, Brian. The solutions in place, as well as new ones, will fix the problem. You can stay asleep. We got you covered.

[Brian]

I'm sure they couldn't have done it without you.

[Jackand Ace]

Thanks! Getting credit is underrated.

[Brian]

Is this delusions of grandeur, or more drinking the koolaid?

Hard to tell.

[american socialist]

Fuck off, jackand. I've played man-years of Civilization on the computer and the one thing I know is that one day we'll start developing "Future Tech", which will solve all our problems. Global climate change isn't going to be solved by puddly regulations, or windmills, or energy conservation, or getting oil companies to clean up their own messes. No. It's going to be solved by "Future Tech"-- to be invented at some point in the not-too-distant future-- probably by Monsanto or Raytheon, but definitely not at some place like Los Alamos National Lab.

[Brian]

I, for one, am very proud of the contributions that Los Alamos had made to a cleaner, brighter world.

[Rational Exuberance]

That's why they say: the future is so bright, I gotta wear shades.

[Jackand Ace]

Lol

[Jackand Ace]

Glad I got at least one F off, even tongue in cheek . Sevo couldn't make it, I guess.

[Brian]

Awwww. They found each other.

Adorbs.

[Derp-o-Matic 5000]

At least that's more than they spent on science.

Which is appropriate, since they are running for president and not chair of the Chemistry department

Dumbass

[Chinny Chin Chin]

The Donald has uuge huevos for congratulating the debate's civility.

[Derp-o-Matic 5000]

It's up there with Hillary's "too big to jail" comment.

[Laird]

I could have done without the editorial commentary in the voiceover.

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