The TSA's 12 Signs You Might Be a Terrorist

Traveling this summer? Avoid these officially terrorist-y behaviors-or you might get detained.

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The TSA's 12 Signs You Might Be a Terrorist

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This summer vacation, don't get detained at the airport. Avoid these suspicious behaviors that TSA agents are actually trained to look for.

For more Reason coverage of the TSA, click here.

Click below for downloadable versions. And subscribe to Reason TV's YouTube channel for daily content like this.

3:09 minutes.

Written, Produced and Edited by Justin Monticello. Performed by Monticello and Paul Detrick. Shot by Detrick and Alexis Garcia. Additional footage by Alex Manning.

Music by The Green Orbs.

Comments

[Mr Lizard]

Nothing about having scales, claws, and walking around with a perpetually hungry look? You stoooooopid meat sacks are doomed

[some guy]

Lizards aren't meat sacks too?

I'll bet humans have eaten lizards more often than lizards have eaten humans. Still, you're probably the best novelty account around. Keep up the good work.

[X[redacted]s]

best novelty account around

Boy, talk about damning with faint praise.

[some guy]

I don't count trolls as novelties. But the rest of you...

[Hamster of Doom]

We should get our own highly collectible cards, full of stats and witty sayings.

[Agammamon]

How could you tell if a lizard looks hungry?

Or happy

or angry

or . . .

[jrombouts]

The real terrorists are our politicians, regulatory agents, tax collecting agents, including IRS of course, personal injury lawyers, judges, prosecutors, police officers, and anyone tied to the criminal justice system in anyway. We have the world's highest incarceration rate by far. And the most bull crap personal injury system of bogus lawsuits that only benefit the personal injury lawyers. They are all crooks!

[Suthenboy]

Keep talking like that. Sooner or later you will think it is just a limb swaying in the breeze and...zap.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuJs4JcjMSg

[Fist of Etiquette]

I don't want to sit next to a dude with a fear boner anyway.

[DenverJ]

I don't wanna sit next to a dude with any kind of boner.

[Christophe]

You prefer to sit on them? NTTAWWT.

[DenverJ]

See Christophe, this is why there are only 3 female libertarians in the whole world, and only one saurian.
You, Christophe, are the reason (drink) that we can't have nice things.

[Garagefather]

I laughed so hard at that part of the video that I almost pissed my pants. Fear boner 😀

[AlgerHiss]

There is no lower form of human depravity and worthlessness than being a "tsa" employee.

[Jerryskids]

Without watching the video I'm going to guess that the top 3 signs of incipient tourism are 1) Acting casual, 2) Acting nervous, 3) Acting neither casual nor nervous. Kinda like the top 3 signs a vehicle may be a drug car - they either drive fast because they're in a hurry to get rid of the drugs, they drive slow for fear of being stopped by the cops, or they drive exactly the right speed trying to blend into traffic. (No shit - this is from a list of helpful tips for catching drug runners put out by one of the top drug-catchers in our area.)

[toolkien]

Well, consider the three signs of predatory business practices - price too high and you're fined for gouging, price too low and you're fined for cutting the legs under the competition/loss leadering, or price the same and you're fined for monopolistic practices/collusion.

Anyone seeing a pattern to Statism?

The fine really begins when you run afoul of one level of government, fall into line, only to be attacked by another level of government post correction.

[toolkien]

That should be The FUN really begins...

[Sevo]

And it's illegal to deposit X amount of money in a bank, but if you don't deposit that amount, it's illegal because you aren't depositing that amount.

[FNU MNU LNU]

Isn't that a great law. It isn't illegal to deposit $100,000, but suits will come asking questions. Deposit $45,000 in 5 installments of $9,000 and you're guilty of structuring deposits regardless if the $45,000 is from a legitimate source.

[FNU MNU LNU]

It is similar to the law that states I can offer voters $1,000 of taxpayer money in exchange for their votes but can't offer $1 of my own money.

[Lady Dalrymple]

Nice one.

The TSA agent looks creepy. The mustache and weird hair are a nice touch.

[DenverJ]

You know who else had a mustache?

[Troglodyte Rex]

Sean Connery?

[rudehost]

Barbara Streisand?

[lap83]

Charlie Chaplin?

[Detroit Linguist]

I think the clincher is the unshaven look (but isn't that a stereotypical Palestinian terrorist look from the eighties??)

[Christophe]

Here's the list for those interested.

I'm apparently a super-terrorist, by the looks of it.

[Batgirl Esq.]

"Displays arrogance and verbally expresses contempt for the screening process"

I guess we're all terrorists.

[DenverJ]

Does the list mention bringing a wood chipper to the airport?

[Sevo]

You'll have to check it; no carry-on (or for you lizards, carrion)

[Batgirl Esq.]

Wood chippers aren't on the list of "unusual items" so you're good.

Just don't bring any batteries!

[Ceci n'est pas un woodchipper]

Holy shit, I'm surprised the TSA doesn't just stop me in the parking lot. Shit, I'm gonna start going by "The Jackal" from now on.

[Hamster of Doom]

Change your name to Michael Corbin and watch the magic happen.

[Kevin O'Keeffe]

Thank you for posting that; I loathe watching online videos.*

The only one that didn't seem at least faintly idiotic, was the one about an unusually pale face, due to having recently shaved off the characteristically Islamist beard. That probably won't help much, but it seems, oh, I don't know, maybe next-of-kin to clever.

*I consider the practice vulgar. Yes, that's right, I'm weird.

[PACW]

I generally decline to watch the videos as well, but I watched this one because I thought it was Remy. Not bad but not Remy.

[Christophe]

Mildly on topic:

The last 2 times I opted out of the butt-scanner, the TSA agent patting me down asked me why I chose to opt out. Both denied they were collecting the answers, both claimed to be asking out of their own curiosity, but I have my doubts.

Anyone else seeing this new behaviour? Do they actually collect the answer, or are they just trying to get me to "verbally express contempt for the screening process" so they can drag me to secondary?

[SoCal Soccar Mom]

"I like to be frisked," with

[SoCal Soccar Mom]

... with LARGE LEERING GRIN.

The wood chipper ate my reply.

[Christophe]

My variant on that one is "I paid a $25 airport security fee, and I intend to get my money's worth".

[Jerryskids]

You ain't got a hair on your ass if you don't pop a Viagra on the way to the airport.

[Acosmist]

What would that have to do with anything?

Viagra doesn't give you an erection.

[Anarcho-Woodchipper]

Can we confirm that the Reason staff also enjoys The League after the fear boner reference?

[Will4Freedom]

I'm heading to the airport on Saturday. I was already dreading it, but now I'm in a down right frenzy!

Thanks, Reason!

[AlmightyJB]

That was hilarious. Remy's the man.

[thunderbolt]

Good to know those signs. Next time I blow up a plane I wont display them.

[JPyrate]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60lQKvS9FVo

[4thaugust1932]

A terrorist is a freedom fighter who is not on your side;

[End Child Unemployment]

Way to break rule 2 Remy!

[Chippus Maximus]

Last year I was at an airport on the west coast during a layover. It was about 3 hours. So I had a drink at the bar with my wife and then went outside to have a smoke. When I came back in, I washed my hands in the restroom and got into the security checkpoint line. When I got to the scanner, I informed the agent in front of me that I was wearing a knee brace on my right knee and that I could remove it if necessary. The scanner did indeed pick up my knee brace and I was asked to step out of line and to the side. So I did. They then swabbed my hands and informed me that my hand swab came back with traces of a substance that they needed to check out. Mind you, I had just washed my hands at the airport restroom. They then asked me to step into a little side room off to the left. Which I did without complaint or any noticeable frustration. In fact, I was being quite polite about it. I figured I would be in and out of there in a couple of minutes. WRONG!

Continued below...

[Chippus Maximus]

I had to sit there and wait for the arrival a person to do a search of my belongings. That was a few minutes wait. When the creepy little dude arrived (who actually didnt look too much different from Remy in this video), they (creepy dude and the original agent that pulled me out of the line) began spilling out all of my belongings in my backpack onto a table. I travel with a lot of electronics when I go on long trips to see family (notebook comp, 1TB backup drive for pictures and vids, cables and readers for various devices, gopro, DSLR, a kindle tablet.....). They made a mess of everything. Then they went to search me. Right about this time, my wife texted me and asked where I was. I picked up my phone from the table to answer her and let her know I was in security and would be along shortly. They sternly told me that I am NOT allowed to touch any of my belongings and to continue to cooperate with the search.

[Chippus Maximus]

At this point, he creepy little dude grabbed my balls quite firmly twice. He then proceeded to feel up the rest of my body (which I think he was enjoying). Of course, they found nothing on me or in my backpack that was contraband or even slightly out of the norm (no large liquid tubes...). After about 25 minutes from my original removal from the security line, I was informed that I could leave. They half ass threw my stuff back into my backpack and in a gray tub and told me to have a nice day. I then did the walk of shame from the little room to a bench where I proceeded to completely repack all of my stuff in front of security (agents and travelers).

It is not security. It is harassment from creepy people that have no business trying to establish the size and weight of my balls based on the fact that I was wearing a knee brace! I guess this is what I get for playing too much sports in my youth.

[ace_m82]

On word answer:

Woodchipper

[Fredsky]

It would have been likely between 30 and 45 seconds to read a short piece about the 12 signs. That versus a 3 minute video.

Skip

[Kevin O'Keeffe]

I don't watch online videos (I get on the computer, in part, to get away from that sort of activity).

It'd be nice if the twelve reasons could simply be listed, so we could read them in 15-20 seconds, rather than having to spend several minutes watching a video (the video format is almost bizarrely ineffecient at transferring other-than-visual info).

[Christophe]

The video is satire, though. It wouldn't work as well.

If you want the real list I linked to it above.

[John]

Laser shotgun people. Laser shotgun

http://www.mrctv.org/blog/man-.....ly-awesome

[Hyperion's Statist Chipper]

#1 sign you might be a terrorist:

You don't work for and are not an apologist for big government.

[Pan Zagloba]

Thank you, Reason. I'll be flying to States in couple of weeks, and this guide probably saved me some serious trouble and/or ball-groping.