Friday Funnies: Fake Christmas News

Chip Bok—Creators Syndicate

Comments

[???? ??????, Jr.]

So the parents will reassure the kid by explaining that The Santa Clause is a Tim Allen vehicle that’s sold out, and Santa Claus is alive and well.

[Chipper Morning Wood]

When is derpbook gonna flag Krugman? They guy is consistently wrong on his predictions.

[Akira]

It’s actually pretty interesting to watch how Krugman hedges his predictions (if you can stomach the content of his columns). This explains why he has such a widespread reputation as a Cassandra figure even though he’s wrong so much of the time.

If you read the columns, you’ll notice that he often says that policy X “might lead to” such and such, then he’ll write something like “on the other hand, it might cause [the opposite]”. So no matter what happens, he can always pull out a snippet from his previous columns and claim that he predicted it.

[UnCivilServant]

how long until that tree catches fire?

[Austrian Anarchy]

If we can save just one tree, we need new regulations!

[invisible furry hand]

Freak Child is too young to be on Facebook.

I like the blind teddy bear in the front.

[Groovus Maximus]

The website is Russia Today; that’s clearly a Vladimir Ilyich Lenin expy delivering FAKE! Nooze to dispirit Western children, my dear IFH. That poor bear isn’t the only one visually challenged…

I expect better of someone who views, “The Americans,” with rock steady regularity. You disgust me. You must now commit seppuku. You have dishonoured the furry family name….

*In reality, the Soviets tried, unsuccessfully, to totally ban shows of Christmas celebration, and ultimately relegated it to a New Year’s Eve/Day Celebration in order to totally secularise the holiday.

[invisible furry hand]

Fascinating as ever, O Groovus. But I assume everything is Russian propaganda. Including you, me, Reason and The People v OJ Simpson.

Can i just change my name instead of committing seppuku?

[Austrian Anarchy]

Just add a new rule in the simulation and you can do both.

[Pompeius the Quant Retard]

Just change your handle, he’ll never know! Just ask Tulpa how that goes.

[Groovus Maximus]

I would accept that, as, “invisible furry maximus,” has an excellent ring to it….

However, I was Sadie Hawkins’d permanently a few years ago, so, no. I’m afraid seppuku is the honourable way to end this tale of woe.

[invisible furry hand]

I was thinking more invisible furry buzzkill, but righty-oh, I’ll go all Yukio Mishima if you say so

[Hyperion]

Letting your 3 year old on FB is a good way to ensure they grow up a retard.

[Austrian Anarchy]

You can’t prove that! A study is needed. And without funding, study is impossible. Sounds like a job for Newt.

[Pompeius the Quant Retard]

The funding from said study cannot originate from KKKochs, the oil industry, or right-wingers in order to pass the Sciencey-Lite Sniff Test.

[Rich]

Hey! What if their, um, preferred pronoun is something else?!

[Fist of Etiquette]

Okay, Bok is trying to send a message with capitalization. Everything is in all caps except for certain e’s. The in Facebook, the e in there and news, and in the superfluous e in Clause, but not in checking or fake. I will solve this Christmas puzzle and find the Declaration of Independence treasure!

[invisible furry hand]

Consult:

* the horoscopes in yesterday’s local paper
* the penultimate book on the fourth shelf of the bookcase nearest to the door in your pappy’s house
* the almost title track on Boston’s Third Stage

The pieces will fall into place

[Groovus Maximus]

You’d better let Denial, The Angry Prostate cover any would-be sleuthing on your part, Fist of Gumshoeing, since it’s well known you couldn’t catch a cold, much less solve a mystery that Nick Cage can uncover falling into it bass ackwards.

[straffinrun]

Virginia as in the state or is that the girl’s name? WTF is going on around here?

[Trigger Hippie]

Yes.

[Rich]

For the truly unenlightened.

[straffinrun]

Now my universe makes sense.

[invisible furry hand]

*slap!*

[Pompeius the Quant Retard]

*slap*

[Groovus Maximus]

*slap!*

[straffinrun]

*slap*

[Lee Genes]

*slap?*

[Rich]

*slap!*

[Groovus Maximus]

More FAKE! Nooze, Rich! That’s a Christmas myth; Bok is clearly taking shots at Postrel.

[Pompeius the Quant Retard]

Christmas

Triggered.

[Groovus Maximus]

Triggered.

Stuffed.

[The Fusionist]

Wow, Nietzsche believed in Santa Claus?

[Pompeius the Quant Retard]

At my homestead, the adorned tree is composed of an assembly of processed petroleum products and a malleable but low fatigue metal alloy wire. What could be a more appropriate way to celebrate and symbolise commercial activity and modern comforts produced by industry and trade than to pass electricity from a coal-fired power plant through a string of LEDs that create liiiiiiight poluuuution?? I submit that the symbolism is unparalleled.

[Hyperion]

So, LEDs are considered light pollution today? I replaced all the lights in my house with LEDs. I knew I was doing something right! I’m busy right now replacing all the carpets and rugs with ones made from clubbed baby seal.

[Austrian Anarchy]

All light not produced by an academic or a smelly hippy has been pollution since AGW got a name.

[Groovus Maximus]

What’s thoroughly appalling here is the lack of a freshly cut Christmas tree, subsequent Yule log, and holly wreaths, all poached from a National Park and ultimately incinerated in the living room fireplace (or wood burning stove, if applicable).

Weak, all of you. You disgust me. You must all commit seppuku. You have dishonoured your family namesakes.

[Pompeius the Quant Retard]

What, no bald eagle egg omelettes? Poseur!

[Groovus Maximus]

That’s what my family had for breakfast this morning. Couldn’t make them without breaking a few eggs….

*hands Pompeius rice paper and katana*

[UnCivilServant]

*decapitates Groovus from behind*

No more commandments to suicide! You do not decide what is shameful!

[Pompeius the Quant Retard]

*slides the writing implements back across the table*

Ayn Rand would not approve of the merits of an honour-suicide, so I must politely decline.

*taps well-worn copy of Atlas Shrugged and proceeds to rub own nipples in a circular motion through the outside of a finely-tailored Italian button-up shirt*

[Ska]

You just described how I start most morning staff meetings.

[Pompeius the Quant Retard]

Do you go commando as well, or do you rock silken undershorts?

[EDG reppin LBC]

Oh man, wait till Zuckerburg gets a hold of this. Biff! Bam! Pow!