Who Knew Traveling to Mars Could Seem So Dull?
National Geographic docudrama botches badly.
Mars. National Geographic Channel. Monday, November 14, 9 p.m.
Over the years, Hollywood has populated Mars with hungry bat-rat-spiders, horny little bald guys, decapitationist ghosts, and even dorky little nerd children who look like Pia Zadora. But now, the National Geographic Channel's miniseries Mars will change forever the way we think about the planet, for it boldly goes where no man has gone before, into the very cosmic bowels of tedium and ennui.
A weird attempt to blend documentary and sci-fi, Mars is an exquisite botch of both. Its only real accomplishment is to set back the reputation of executive producer Ron Howard to the days when he was murdering the mommies of adorable little baby birds on The Andy Griffith Show.
Mars is structured, to use a far more elegant term than is actually warranted, as a mockumentary about a manned mission to Mars in 2033. About half the show is devoted to the fictional mission, half to the real work of "pioneers" in the field, particularly Elon Musk and his mercantilist interplanetary-colonization SpaceX boondoggle, for which Mars often seems a cruelly overlong infomercial.
The National Geographic Channel has been bragging that the mockumentary mix "will redefine television storytelling by combining feature film-quality scripted drama and visual effects with best-in-class documentary sequences to drive forward a cohesive, edge-of-your-seat story."
I'd say it will more likely redefine Hollywood accounting practices by substituting mundane interviews for scripts and action sequences, and obviating the need for actors with emotional ranges much beyond those of the faces on Mount Rushmore. Both halves of Mars consist largely of talking heads heaped upon talking heads, and not in an interesting Khmer Rouge way.
The "pioneers" mostly seem to be vying for the title of King of the Obvious. Genuflect before the insight of Neil deGrasse Tyson, who observes that Mars "is more hostile to life than any place on Earth," courageously defying the common wisdom that a near-vacuum atmosphere devoid of oxygen and nighttime temperatures of a hundred below zero are practically synonyms for "live long and prosper."
The fictional side of the show is, if anything, worse, consisting largely of interviews like this one, in which the astronauts are questioned about their captain.
Reporter: "Who is Ben Sawyer?"
Astronaut No. 1, in profound tone: "Ben Sawyer is our commander."
Astronaut No. 2, in even more profound tone: "Ben Sawyer is a member of the team."
Those astronauts have names, by the way, but there's no need to keep track of them; characterizations in Mars do not even rise to the level of cardboard, more like a sodden wad of toilet paper. The belabored cast includes Ben Cotton (Battlestar Galactica), Alberto Ammann (Narcos), Robert Foucault (Django Unchained) and Korean-American rocker JiHae playing twins, or maybe triplets—who can tell?
To the extent the cast escapes the omnipresent interviews for a story, it doesn't amount to much. The crew gets in a rocket and flies to Mars; stuff breaks; they fix it; or they don't. There are occasional scenes of the astronauts trooping around the awesome Martian landscape, shot in Morocco, but certainly no more awesome than those shot in Jordan for Matt Damon's 2015 marooned-in-space drama The Martian, which was a more engaging work in every way.
For that matter, a NASA reality show would be more engaging. Remember Lisa Nowak, the astronaut who outfitted herself with a BB gun, a two-pound mallet, pepper spray, surgical tubing and absorbent diapers—so she wouldn't have to make any bathroom stops—and then drove 900 miles and five states to straighten out a rival for the affections of another space cadet? Oh, wait. Her lawyer says the part about the diapers is "an absolute fabrication" and those were just pee-soaked diapers her kids left in the car a couple of years earlier. Well, as Emily Litella and James Comey always say, never mind.
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The referees would have also accepted: “Stop making sense!”
+1 giant suit
That would have been too obvious.
Brutal. Savage. Rekt.
Ouch
Pol Pot approves
If there’s no Willis, I ain’t watchin’ it.
Both halves of Mars consist largely of talking heads heaped upon talking heads, and not in an interesting Khmer Rouge way.
This made me chuckle. I may not be all that good of a person.
Alt-text: “Range anxiety.”
So they basically made a more boring, lifeless version of Alien Planet?
People know how Hollywood works. Ron Howard pitched this to all the big studios, the networks, and didn’t get any bites until some vague basic cable station nobody watches bit on it. Vince Gilligan was at least a nobody so getting rejected down to AMC isn’t really humiliating. Ron Howard getting rejected down to National Geographic Channel means he’s pretty much done. He might want to start mocking himself in GEICO ads or do life insurance ads with Fonzie to build his career back up.
He’d better get back on top in time to put out the Seveneves movie.
Seriously, this a thing? *Googles* Ron Howard?!
$10 says they cast Jessica Chastain as Dinah MacQuarie.
It is completely a thing, and they better not fuck it up like SyFy and George Clooney did with The Diamond Age.
Fucking this up is something that could make someone go completely epigenetic.
Or depressed. Movies have a way of ruining the best books…
The star wars movies are better than the books.
There’s a The Diamond Age movie? Did not know that.
I was waiting for Howard to do the Dark Tower movie, but now I am glad someone else is doing it. Although movie producers are hit and miss when it comes to Stephen King books – – some are really good, but most are not. Ka is a wheel that dumps on your hopes on a regular basis.
Invisible had gone too far, and had best watch his mouth.
Pia Zadora ca. Butterfly might have added some interest to this film.
For me, anyway.
It didn’t have to be boring. Why not The Sound of Music on Mars? With space hippies instead of Nazis.
Best review I’ve read all millennium. Then again, the millennium is yet young.
The millennium is still going to be young when you are not.
I prefer my Martian documentaries to have Rock Hudson and Bernadette Peters in them.
This is an entertaining writer. Is he new here?
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I suspect the authors review is worse than the film. He took how many words to say the film was boring?
Larry Niven wrote a story about a Mars expedition. It was all male and one member came onto another member, who didn’t like it, and beat him up, killing him. Then the other members (including the gay dude’s brother) want to lynch him, and he escapes in a dune buggy, chased by the brother in a dune buggy.
Eventually both run out of air and die.
Now THIS sounds like a good movie. Cast purely with old unhealthy actors I would pay top dollar to watch.
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