Friday A/V Club: The Evacuation of Portland, Oregon
Cold War artifact of the day

From the spooky noise that accompanies the very first shot—I think it's supposed to be an air raid signal, but for a moment it sounds like a Morricone score—it's clear that A Day Called "X" isn't your average 1950s civil defense film. Shot with a cast of non-actors, including the city's real mayor, it imagines Soviet airplanes approaching Portland, Oregon; for 27 minutes, we watch as the citizens evacuate and the municipal government retreats to a blast-proof bunker.
There is no Strangelove-style chaos here: All of the officials do exactly what they're supposed to do, as does virtually everyone else. The government is supercompetent, the citizens are generally compliant, and the handful of stragglers don't cause trouble for anyone else. But if the program, which aired on CBS in 1957, doesn't give us the conflict and micro-crises we'd expect from a Hollywood movie, its vivid documentary style keeps it from getting dull. (In some scenes, the producers felt the need to superimpose the words "AN ATTACK IS NOT TAKING PLACE" on the screen, presumably for fear that someone at home might mistake the show for the news.) And it's a pretty good time-capsule artifact too: a glimpse back at an era when the fear of a Soviet attack was high, when nuclear bombs would be delivered by planes, and when Portland could credibly be called an "average American city."
As the narrator (Glenn Ford!) mentions, Portland had done a practice evacuation two years earlier, in 1955. That was called Operation Green Light, and you can read an old newspaper account of it here. For past editions of the Friday A/V Club, go here.
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Today it would be totally different, starting with the lack of a 27 minute warning.
In the story, they actually get an advance warning of more than two hours. Fortunately, the film doesn't try to cover every minute.
Just rename the film Incoming Microagression and distribute to nationwide safe spaces.
*stands to applaud loudly*
Clapping is disconcerting to some. Jazz hands please.
Today, the residents of Portland would greet Soviet forces as liberators.
The cops would shoot random people, and steal a few of the better valuables on their way out of town.
AN ATTACK IS NOT TAKING PLACE
That's exactly what the commies will splash on your screen when an attack is taking place.
They're inside the house!
I've seen this movie before, therefore I know exactly what to do.
ATTACK NOT HAPPENS, KULAKS AND WRECKERS!
Ivan is too clever.
Portland, Oregon; for 27 minutes, we watch as the citizens evacuate and the municipal government retreats to a blast-proof bunker.
Wow, it's one thing for the President or Congress to disappear into a blast-proof bunker, but fuck if I'm getting pushed out of the way so the city council and municipal arborist get the choice spot.
And thanks to the movie, we know where the bunker is. They'll have to fight their way in.
That's the idealized, government propaganda version. In reality it is more like Panic in Year Zero!
and when Portland could credibly be called an "average American city."
Nowadays, they have artisanal, zero-emissions air-raid sirens there, and they only go off "ironically."
They're also about as loud as a cellphone's speakers in order to comply with municipal noise regulations, and they rust within months because they're made of really shitty, organic steel.
An alloy of recyclables and horseshit?
And good intentions.
So they would have to have that dude who rides the unicycle with the flaming bagpipes, whilst wearing a Darth Vader mask and a kilt warn everyone?
"Quick! To the artisanal, sustainable, carbon-free, solar and racially inclusive bomb shelter!"
"Our skins will all end up looking the same, anyway."
Ok that's something that's impressive. In 1955, Portland held a 'practice evacuation' and they cleared the central city in 34 minutes.
Everyone was so compliant, like fine clay in the masterful hands of the government.
Yeah I read that. 1000 square blocks, including the downtown business district. Could you imagine trying to do it nowadays? It just shows how scared Americans teapot were, our there is no way everyone would have gone along with it.
"teapot"? How the hell does my phone get "teapot" from "really"?
I was kind of wondering what you were talking about...
Stop using Swype.
For one thing it was the 1950s, and the other thing was that for a while, there was a real threat and fear that a nuclear holocaust was one eyelash-bat away.
What's funny about the 1950s is, you note that "enemy planes are on their way" and they had "three hours advance notice". While no one says it outright, everyone seems to act like there's no response from the U.S. Military. That large Russian bombers could slowly fly towards the U.S. and nothing or no one could shoot them down. At least in my time of the cold war, it was all supposed to be missiles which couldn't be shot down, and only gave you minutes of warning.
But did you really want to be in the one town targetted by the bomber that got through?
Well no, but it sure seems better than "We heard there might be missiles coming, this message may be 20 minutes old... there's a line at the payphone if you want to say g'bye to your loved ones".
Not a lot of air bases in Oregon, what with the anti-war Senators and all.
I'm old enough to remember air raid drills in elementary school. Because getting under your desk was going to really help keep that fireball from searing off your flesh.
Wow, shows what you know. The desk was going to keep the building off your back when it caved in.
In some cases those things would work. Anything to increase your chances. Still good advice. Also door lintels in case of earthquake.
You know darn well it was an exercise in making children feel in control of an uncontrollable scenario. And also a chance to look up some skirts.
Why would anyone want to look up Sugarfree's skirt?
Why would anyone want to read his writings?
Every time one of them bursts forth, I debate blocking him. (Or at least muting him.)
You can't quit me.
So far they're not frequent enough for me to have actually done so as I can just scroll past.
Guess who's about to star in his very own piece of SugarFree slash fic!
Congrats, Citizen X, it's you!
Already happened under his old handle...
"A guttural, bubbling queef sounded from the bed as its occupant rolled over."
SHUT DOWN THE INTERNET
And now you see why i had to change names.
Although the story where i was about to carve the blood eagle on Warty's back was pretty good.
Because he tells it like it is. He's the only writer willing to start a staring contest with the unblinking browneye of the world.
When SugarFree writes, the browneye blinks.
Morbid curiosity, the same reason you would look up his skirt. That's the reason.
Eeeeew
Also, does it make the brown eye blue?
It only worked on you dumb kids.
Good thing you were trained in getting under desks, it has helped your career. /smart-ass just asking for it
I think it's supposed to be an air raid signal,
I took it to be the 'abstract sound of radio broadcast'. (WARNING: EVIL AUTOPLAY).
Anybody's code here fast enough to read that?
"Foster, You're Dead"
Spot the Not: quotes about the US from its enemies
1. The Americans have the watches, but we have the time.
2. The Americans are good at making fancy cars and refrigerators, but that doesn't mean they are any good at making aircraft.
3. In appearance it is very powerful but in reality it is nothing to be afraid of; it is a paper tiger.
4. That paper tiger has nuclear teeth.
5. No matter how desperately the U.S. may roar, it is nothing but roar of a toothless wolf.The incarnation of all sorts of evil, the empire of devils, is bound to grow old and go to ruin.
6. The Americans are a little people, a silly people- greedy, barbarous, and cruel.
7. The Americans are stuck in Iraq and have no way out. They are like a wolf whose tail has been caught in a trap.
#6 That was from Lawrence of Arabia.
Clever comic relief at 24:14.
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