Rape

The Lies of UVA's Jackie: Read All the Catfishing Texts She Sent Her Crush

The fictitious Haven Monahan led a colorful life.

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Ryan Duffin
Youtube

It's already well established that the lies of "Jackie"—the false accuser at the center of Rolling Stone's gang rape hoax—grew out of her efforts to catfish Ryan Duffin, a boy she had a crush on. Recently released text messages between the two don't add much new information, but they continue to confirm the almost unfathomable level of deliberate deception to which Jackie resorted.

The texts were released by a local news station, CBS 6. They comprise messages exchanged between Duffin and "Haven Monahan," a presumed alias of Jackie's. Haven pretended to have a romantic interest in Jackie as a means of gauging Duffin's level of interest. Duffin, for his part, at first pretended to be a girl in Haven's class—he was on orders from Jackie to find out whether Haven liked her. Eventually, Duffin admitted to Haven that he was the male friend whom Jackie likes—something Haven, who is actually Jackie, already knows—and Haven pretends to be furious.

There are 22 pages of texts spanning from September 5, 2012 until October 7, 2012.

Some other interesting highlights:

  • Jackie's Haven frequently uses coarse language, referring to the person Jackie likes as "the faggot first year."
  • Other lies quickly take shape. Haven claims that Jackie is ill and frequently hospitalized. He eventually claims he met her in the hospital.
  • Jackie's penchant for crying wolf is also evident. Haven claims he doesn't know where Jackie is, that she was last seen with another male, and tells Duffin that he intends to call the police. Duffin rejects his concerns.
  • On October 7, Duffin finally appears to catch on to the act, and demands to speak to Haven over the phone. Haven, for his part ("his"), already seems to be spinning the rape lie. He alludes to something bad happening between them, refuses to talk about her, and claims that he has agreed not to contact her. He accuses Duffin of working for the University of Virginia and acts like he is afraid of getting in trouble for misbehavior.
  • Duffin remains polite—almost to a fault—throughout. They have no further contact after October 7.

The texts have emerged as part of UVA Dean of Students Nicole Eramo's lawsuit against Rolling Stone.

Updated at 1:00 p.m. on February 11: The original image accompanying this article depicted Alex Stone, a different friend of Jackie's. The image has been changed, and now depicts Ryan Duffin.

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  1. So we’re still naming everyone but her, huh?

    1. Everyone already knows it’s Jackie Coakley.

      1. Shouldn’t they be arresting her? Sounds like she trolled with someone else’s name to damage at least one reputation. See the documentation of America’s leading criminal “satire” case at:

        https://raphaelgolbtrial.wordpress.com/

    2. Meh. I suspect this was on the advice of lawyers. She’s mentally ill and now unemployable. So I suspect she will mount a series of lawsuits. The last thing Reason donators want is their money going to her, or to a defense against a meritless lawsuit.

      1. And yet, somehow she recently (December I believe) tricked some guy into marrying her.

        I mean, what are you thinking, dude?

        1. And they have a kid now!

          1. You have.. got.. To be… Kidding… Me.

      2. When NBC ran a documentary on the Scottsboro Boys case in 1976, naming Victoria Price and Ruby Bates as that that case’s “Jackies,” both Price and Bates sued NBC. If lying accusers can assert a legal claim 35 years after the events in question, then we have no reason to think Jackie won’t assert when little more than year has passed.

        1. Applying the standard that “We won’t name anybody in an article if they can bring a baseless defamation lawsuit against us” is going to mean that a lot fewer people get named in articles.

  2. It’s already well established that the lies of “Jackie”?the false accuser at the center of Rolling Stone’s gang rape hoax

    She’s not a victim, she’s a perpetrator. So why not use her real, full, name?

    1. She’s a victim! A victim of bullshit intolerance! She needs a safe space!

    2. They don’t refer to Zimmerman by his full name either. Jackie is just what she is most well know as at this point.

      1. The only other real people in the article are Ryan Duffin and nicaloe Erasmo, whose names are given in full. Who is this Zimmerman fellow?

        1. It’s either Prince’s new moniker or the name of some other guy from Minnesota.

      2. They don’t refer to Zimmerman by his full name either.

        That must be why a Google search for “George Zimmerman” only returns 812,000 hits.

    3. Because…….VAGINA!!!

    4. Perpetrator?! Ha!

      She most certainly is a victim! You’re always supposed to believe the victim. Period. Full stop! That you know that her revelations were less than truthful (in your terms) means you refused to accept her truth! And that means she’s had her truth denied by all of you with your cishetero shitlord “truths”.

      1. Sounds legit.

      2. Don’t you mean “xe” and “xir”?!

        Heteronormative cis shitlord.

    5. Look, just because she was never raped, the fact remains that some man raped some woman somewhere at some point in time. Therefore, Jackie is a victim and Duffin is culpable.

      1. Also sounds legit.

        1. Yeah, I really don’t think you can parody these people.

    6. Is her name publicly known?

      If so, I’d guess that Tonio is right and it is about avoiding more bullshit lawsuits.

      1. Also, even though she was clearly the perpetrator, she’s also clearly (based on the texts) mentally ill. Not barking-mad mentally ill, but enough that she will probably never be charged with anything. So there is no good to be had from that, particularly for Reason. Reason’s coverage of this was about the due process issues, and the credulous (lying) reportage, not about some mentally ill coed who catfished a guy and made false accusations.

        I’m not claiming that she’s a victim. I’m glad her name and picture are circulating as a warning to other people she might victimize.

        1. she’s also clearly (based on the texts) mentally ill. Not barking-mad mentally ill,

          She’s not mentally ill. She was incredibly immature and prone to idiotic drama.

  3. Filed under “Rape,” “College.”

  4. They’re sooooooooooooooooooo juicy.

    1. “I read her will and she left all her stuff to kids in honduras. Thats a special person”

      1. Hahaha. What kind of a college kid has a will or enough stuff to donate anyway. But points for creativity, I guess.

        1. Maybe she left them her student loans. Did you ever think about that mr. jump-to-conclusions?

          1. She left them tens of thousands of dollars of debt? She really is a monster.

            1. But maybe they’ll get a nice big piece of paper. UVA’s diplomas are really big so you know people who have them are smart.

              /looks at wall

              Yeah, so smart.

              1. I actually don’t have a wallspace big enough to hang mine right now. America’s public Ivy!

                1. They are wonderfully ostentatious.

              2. I never got mine framed for that reason – it’s so fucking huge and oddly sized that you either have to buy one of their overpriced frames or get a custom one made. You can’t buy off the rack for a Virginia diploma. I didn’t sleep my way through 4.5 years of classes just to get ripped off!

                UVA also ripped me off by having my VA state tax refunds withheld for supposedly unpaid medical center bills from when I had bronchitis during my third year……8 years later.

          2. Jackie went to Rolling Stone…
            When she tried to frame Duffin, she was pwned.
            And when she died, all she left us was a loan.

        2. What kind of a college kid has a will or enough stuff to donate anyway[?]

          UVA kids. Srsly. While there are some poor and middle class kids there, it is the school for Virginia’s landed gentry. Lots of rich (actually rich, not just comfortable) kids there. Lots of trust fund kids.

          1. Eh. More rich kids than the average state school, fewer than, say, Duke.

    2. “Do you even know? Shes got lupus shes really sick dude why do you think shes on so many fucken meds I met her in Chem but I volunteer at the clinic thats how I got to know her I thot you were her friend

      “Jackie’s sick but it makes her this kickass person shes phenomenal and your a fuck so leave her the fuck alone. Se doesn’t need people like you in her life”

      1. WTF is “inner tube water polo”? Sounds kinky.

        1. Use your imagination… *realizes it’s SugarFree* Oh wait, God, NO, DON’T!!

          1. What’s the reverse of a bouncy castle?

            1. Fun Fact: There is first year dorm at U.Va named “Bonneycastle”

              1. There’s another one called Balz, and right next to it is Woody.

              2. There is first year dorm at U.Va named “Bonneycastle”

                That makes me aroused and hungry.

                1. Luckily for you, Bonneycastle has a cafe in the basement.

              3. It’s spelled “Bonnycastle.” Named after this guy: http://www.encyclopediavirgini….._1796-1840

        2. It’s basically handball except you play it while floating around on an inner tube in a pool. It replaced regular polo as an intramural sport fifteen or so years ago, when students who didn’t have their own pony finally became the majority at U.Va.

          1. Real water polo is exhausting. I played on an intramural team and we were carried by the varsity goalie while I haplessly tread water back and forth. Innertubes make it some real special pony shit.

      2. The dude she was texting really should have changed his phone number. Jesus. I don’t ever want anyone like that contacting me for any reason.

      3. I think the English language is the real victim in this case.

    3. “Damn Jacqueline is beautiful. I’m tellin u man I could watch this girl eat pizza forever”

      1. Pics or GTFO

      2. Wow, how did this girl ever pull off a believable lie with lines like that. She doesn’t seem to understand subtle.

        1. “Grab it’s fucking leg” is not exactly subtle. Or supposedly being gang-raped on broken glass for over an hour or whatever. The unbelievability of her story is what initially clued skeptics in that this might be bullshit – her lies were never actually very believable, they just fit the desired narrative Erdely and others wanted to promote.

          1. Yeah, I remember the arguments about what someone would look like after being raped on broken glass. The people that believed her started arguing it must have safety glass if I remember correctly. It’s just so weird to hear the most unbelievable lies and know that a whole bunch of people swallowed them hook, line, and sinker without seeing how impossible the whole story is.

            1. I think for some the implausibility made it more believable. Like gang rape as a traditional fraternity initiation ritual. So far out there, it has to be true.

              1. Didn’t think of that. Good point Mainer2

            2. If you go back to the very first posts on this kerfuffle, you will see a number of commenters who took only a few minutes to reach the correct conclusion that she was lying her face off, for exactly the reason that it was so over the top that it was essentially impossible for it to have happened the way she said.

              1. Think back to the accusations during the day care sex accusations of the 90’s. Same thing. Wild, implausible, even impossible accusations. With no physical evidence at all. Lack of evidence was proof of how malevolent the perpetrators were. It’s just weird how the human mind can work, if someone really wants to believe.

                1. The people need their witch hunts. Whether it was after supposed witches in the 1600s, satanic sacrifices panic in the 1980s, child care sex accusations in the 1990s, or rape culture campus rape epidemic now, there seems to be a need to believe the most sensationilistic bullshit, no matter how implausible or untrue. And the “victims” must always be believed because it is immoral to question them no matter how absurd the accusations. And by God, someone needs to pay!

                2. I was born in the year 1990, so day care sex accusations didn’t really register to me.

                  1. I was a little kid when all that shit was going down, and it was fucking weird. Kids at school would talk about it. Not like adults would talk about it, but like campfire stories. Kids picked up that adults believed a lot of it. I remember a lot of TV news delivered by wide-eyed, big-haired journalists.

              2. Yup. See here (I don’t know how to put a link in comments) https://reason.com/archives/201…..e-been-exp

                That was the first HnR post on the article. Scroll through the comments and there are many people throwing the bullshit flag:

                “paranoid android|11.25.14 @ 5:50PM|#

                I’m hesitant to make declarations like “it sounds made up”–if events did occur as presented in the article, I can only imagine how devastating it would be to the victim to not only have to go through that, but to also be disbelieved by others for publicizing it.

                But on the other hand, if I try to be totally dispassionate about it, the whole account in the article sets off my implausibility alarm. The whole time I was reading I kept thinking in the back of my mind “Real people don’t act or talk like this.” ‘

                “Bill Dalasio|11.25.14 @ 5:56PM|#

                UVA has every reason to cover this up.

                But, that assumes “this” happened. I don’t think anyone here is saying that she’s at fault if this, in fact, happened. But, what if UVA didn’t cover it up because there wasn’t something to cover up. There are elements to this story that just sound highly implausible. It’s not unfair, it’s not unreasonable, and it’s not blaming the victim to respond with some skepticism to a story with elements that just don’t add up. Just the act of an accusation doesn’t merit uncritical acceptance.”

                1. “RBS|11.25.14 @ 8:23PM|#

                  Yeah, the whole thing reads like a poorly written young adult novel. The only things missing are the vampires.”

                  “MarkinLA|11.25.14 @ 8:01PM|#

                  “She’s gonna be the girl who cried ‘rape,’ and we’ll never be allowed into any frat party again,” as if the potential loss of social status was the real crime here.

                  I am calling BS on this. Sorry but if a rape occurred, no other frat is going side with the rapists. There isn’t that much love for other frats to take the side of criminals.”

                  Etc.

              3. For me, it was the way she claimed her friends responded. Poor Jackie: she’s been on campus, er I mean Grounds, for a month and she has yet to meet anyone who isn’t a psychopath. The portrayal of Kathryn Hendley (“Cindy”) was especially over the top (talk about slut-shaming!); Jackie clearly had some personal grudge against her and Erdely fell for it hook, line and sphincter.

        2. Wow, how did this girl ever pull off a believable lie with lines like that. She doesn’t seem to understand subtle.

          I blame the internet.

          You know who else didn’t understand subtle?

          1. William Shatner?

          2. Kathie Lee Gifford?

        3. Wow, how did this girl ever pull off a believable lie with lines like that

          Obviously her idea of how guys speak was crazy. Would have put me off immediately, and I wonder if Ryan did understand There Be Crazy Here even if he didn’t make a big deal of it.

      3. “I’m tellin u man I could watch this girl eat pizza forever””

        This really needs to be performed by R.Kelly.

    4. I think she must have been studying PUAs because she seems to try to neg him.

      “Well wtf do you have that I dont? Im smart. Im a fucken stats major. And I know music. Fuck this. And Troy looked you up on fb and im better looking to.”

      1. Yeah, but that’s ostensibly a third-party neg from a “competitor”. Is that really in the PUA playbook? I mean, you are the expert on that, right?

        1. Better looking to grab its motherfucking leg, I think.

    5. “Thanks. I think i know how to solve your problems with Jackie. I’ve been reading a lot about this guy named gandhi. Now gandhis an Indian. I think hes a Cherokee, but that’s not really what’s important. Gandhi is a master at solving all conflicts peacefully. Now the first thing we need to do is start a dialogue between the 2 of you”

      1. You made that one up. Please tell me you made that one up.

        1. Man, dude, if only I could figure out which parts are her actual retardation and which parts are a retarded act…

          1. If you can figure that out, you may have peered into the abyss too long.

      2. That’s gold, Nikki, gold!

      3. So she wanted Duffin to pity her for dating a retard?

        1. She wasn’t “dating” Haven. The whole thing is Haven trying to get Ryan to get Jackie to date Haven.

          1. The whole thing is Haven trying to get Ryan to get date Jackie to date Haven.

            1. One more:

              The whole thing is Haven Jackie trying to get Ryan to date Jackie.

          2. But her intent was to get Ryan to date Jackie, right? And this text was from Jackie-Haven to not-Ryan (or possibly Ryan-Ryan) about Ryan having a conversation with Jackie?

            I’m going to take an Advil, get back to work and read these texts tonight.

            1. Right. It’s from Jackie/Haven to Ryan/Ryan. One of the tactics she used was repeatedly having Haven tell Ryan that Ryan and Jackie were “fighting” when Ryan doesn’t seem to have been aware of the fight.

              It’s seriously confusing.

      4. You made that one up didn’t you.

      5. “Gandhi Was a Cherokee” might become my new handle.

    6. “Listen man i guess ill answer your questions wen iget off work but I think your weird and fucken creepy and id appreciate it if youd delete my number after this.”

      1. Are these all sent by her?

        1. Yes, I’ve only quoted “Haven.”

    7. One more, from the beginning of the “relationship”:

      “you should hit her up and see wat she thinks of me And find out if she fucks on the first date bitches tell each other tht shit”

      “Well find out other stuff like if she’s a virgin and what she likes to do. I know she likes animals and old ppl cuz she was over at the old ppls home”

      “K I’ll hit u up! Gotta hit the hay! Lemme know about if jackie fucks tomorrow in chem. peace”

      1. Holy shit.

        1. Yeah…

      2. Okay, enough about not naming and showing pics of Jackie, they need to find this Haven kid and publicly shame him. Throw up some pics. There’s something wrong in that guy’s head.

        1. Not sure if serious.

        1. No shit. Is it that hard for any coed to get boned these days?

          1. A lot of college-age guys have decided that most chicks at college are fucking crazy, and you don’t stick it in crazy. Unless you’re crazy, too. Or both of you are drunk. But then you’ve raped each other, and both of you have to be expelled. Except for the girl.

      3. Lemme know about if jackie fucks tomorrow in chem

        I imagine those lab tables aren’t particularly comfortable….

      4. “”I know she likes animals and old ppl…. “”

        Paging SugarFree….

      5. I can only read this in Tina Fey’s bro voice.

  5. Normally one would just say “stay away from crazy people” but damn, she fucking pursued this guy. This is almost as bad as the time NutraSweet stalked me. Thank Jeebus I had him committed and got him that lobotomy. Which you have all seen the results of, of course. You can all thank me now.

    1. Uh. Guh. Ball. Good. Rape.

      1. As you can see, the patient was subjected to Ludovico technique sessions where he was forced to watch the “Hand Banana” episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force over and over. The results have been promising, and he has finally stopped wetting himself. At least when he’s not in bed.

        1. Which hemisphere of his brain is the one responsible for all the smut?

          1. Both. That’s why we had to remove both of them.

            1. me only have corpy coolowstrum now

              1. Get back in your cage!

        2. You think you can back that up?

          1. Who knew there was such a committed movement to proving George Carlin right…

            1. I’m a cultureless millenial. I don’t know what that means.

  6. Okay, wtf is “catfishing”?

    1. Catfishing is posing as someone/something else on the internet in order to lure someone else into a fraudulent relationship with you.

      1. It predates the internet, used to be done by phone. A girl you never met would call you up and swear that she was dying to go out with you. Anyone with half a brain knew their actual girlfriend was sitting right next to the caller.

    2. lure (someone) into a relationship by means of a fictional online persona.
      “he was being catfished by a cruel prankster”

    3. There is a TV show about it. Basically people lie to other people for fun or money or because they are crazy and the rube on the other end is too stupid to walk away.

      1. too stupid to walk away

        This is key, I get that relationships can develop online but never even video chat with someone? Takes some high level of naivete and/or stupidity.

      2. there was a whole damn movie about it. it was really, really good too

    4. I believe the term became popular with the documentary, Catfish— at the end of which, one of the minor subjects of the film describes a situation where someone importing live fish from Asia would stick a ‘catfish’ in the tank which would nip at the other fish, keeping them on alert and healthy.

      “How does that relate to impersonating someone?” It doesn’t, but the documentary was about someone impersonating someone else, and the idea that those people that impersonate other people were the ‘catfish’, nipping around at the rest of society, keeping it on its collective toes.

    5. Okay, wtf is “catfishing”?

      See what that dude posting under “Riven” does. That’s catfishing.

      1. That explains a lot, actually.

        1. Yeah, I fell for it at first, and then he started sending me dick pix.

          1. Well, there’s your silver lining!

          2. Hey, you asked for those dick pix, sir.

            1. I ASKED FOR NAKED PIX. I WAS EXPECTING VAGINA.

              I was unpleasantly surprised.

              1. YOU DIDN’T SPECIFY THEY HAD TO BE MY NAKED PIX. USE YOUR WORDS NOT YOUR CANDY

                1. I said SPECIFICALLY that they had to be yours. And that’s what you sent, PENIS GIRL.

                  1. Listen cis-shitlord, you just struck me as the sort of guy who might like a little pegging. I’m only human*

                    *sort of. some speculate “succubus” might be better term.

                    1. Only if “succubus” is a synonym for “coprophile.”

      2. This actually would not surprise me.

      3. OK, I missed the “outing” of Riven. Dude not girl?

          1. Take a week off and the whole operation fall apart.

            1. Yes. Also, I’m Tulpa. Also, you’re Tulpa.

              1. Tulpa-ception… /cue dramatic music and confusing and unnecessarily convoluted plot

        1. Chick with dick.

          1. +1 Crying Game

    6. “Okay, wtf is “catfishing”?

      First you dig up some worms.

      You want to drag your bait along the bottom ’cause that’s where the catfish are.

  7. I’m guessing it’s either Histrionic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.

    “Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is defined by the [APA] as . . . characterized by a pattern of excessive attention-seeking emotions, usually beginning in early adulthood, including inappropriately seductive behavior and an excessive need for approval.

    HPD lies in the dramatic cluster of personality disorders.[3] People with HPD have a high need for attention, make loud and inappropriate appearances, exaggerate their behaviors and emotions, and crave stimulation.[3] They may exhibit sexually provocative behavior, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and can be easily influenced by others. Associated features include egocentrism, self-indulgence, continuous longing for appreciation, and persistent manipulative behavior to achieve their own needs.”

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Histrionic_personality_disorder

    1. I’m always amazed at what counts as a disorder or disease in mental health.

      1. I’m always amazed at what counts as a disorder or disease in mental health.

        People who are diagnosed with schizoid PD are basically being accused of thought crimes.

        Under the criteria in DSM-IV, a person could have a warm, engaging personality, be good at small talk, have lots of friends and a wide social circle, and still be diagnosed as SPD because the psychiatrist thought they were faking emotional intimacy. It was beyond stupid.

        1. Wait, isn’t the argument against trans and gay people being mentally ill is that it doesn’t negatively effect their lives? How can the diagnosed schizoid PD you just illustrated be mentally ill if they are happy and healthy as described?

      2. Understanding the reasons certain people do shitty things doesn’t justify the shitty things they do.

        1. Understanding the reasons certain people do shitty things doesn’t justify the shitty things they do.

          Of course not. I didn’t think you were doing that.

      3. I’m always amazed at what counts as a disorder or disease in mental health.

        This is basically nothing more than the medical profession creating out of thin air (most of the time) stuff that they can bill for “treating”. If it ain’t in the DSM, they can’t charge for it. If it is, they can.

    2. I dunno, Ken. Someone can be a bad person and do bad things without a diagnosis. Maybe she’s just an asshole.

      1. Based on the texts and everything else, I’d vote for fucked in the head.

  8. Borderline Personality Disorder:

    “People with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, by feeling intense joy and gratitude at perceived expressions of kindness, and intense sadness or anger at perceived criticism or hurtfulness.[30] Their feelings about others often shift from admiration or love to anger or dislike after a disappointment, a perceived threat of losing someone, or a perceived loss of esteem in the eyes of someone they value. This phenomenon, sometimes called splitting, includes a shift from idealizing others to devaluing them.[31] Combined with mood disturbances, idealization and devaluation can undermine relationships with family, friends, and co-workers.[32]

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ Borderline_personality_disorder#Emotions

    Either way, she needs to seek the help of a mental health professional, and the guy she falsely accused needs to sue the fuck out of her.

    1. Or maybe he needs to fuck the Sue out of her.

    2. My understanding is that “splitting” is like Stewie Griffin’s relationship with his mother.

      On the one hand, he loves her, craves her attention, and acts out to demand her attention constantly. On the other hand, Stewie wants to kill her.

      It never seems to click for him that the woman he loves and the woman he hates are the same person. I guess it’s kinda like Madonna-Whore complex.

      http://www.pablopicasso.org/im…..mirror.jpg

    3. Since the guy she falsely accused by name was her alter ego, she’d have to sue herself (the guys she accused by association are already suing RS). I wouldn’t put it past her.

      Amusingly, the Church of $cientology has sued itself on several occasions, by setting up shell corporations that sue each other. What do they get out of it? Well, US Federal courts do not issue advisory opinions (there has to be a “case and controversy”), so Co$ uses the shell corporations to create a phony case in order to trick the court into issuing an opinion that sets the precedent they want.

  9. Which you have all seen the results of, of course.

    Harry Potter and Breaking Bad crossover triple-X fan-fiction?

    1. In the van, stripped to his underwear and sweating, Harry lifted his skinwand and shouted METHAMPETHIMUS!

      At the sight of six pounds of pure blue wizard meth coalescing in the filthy sink, Ron screamed “YEAH, BITCHES.”

      Skyler and Hermione tugged their braids in disapproval and began fingering each other.

      1. You had to throw WoT in there, didn’t you. The lobotomy was supposed to make you less of a monster! We’ve failed! Get the shock wands and the restraints!

        1. It’s too late, Epi, it’s over. There’s nothing that can be done now. You’ve failed for the last time. The last time for all of us. My God have mercy on our souls.

          1. (begins destruction sequence)

      2. Goddammit. Now I have to clean up the coffee I just spit up at my desk.

      3. In the van, stripped to his underwear and sweating, Harry lifted his skinwand and shouted METHAMPETHIMUS!

        At the sight of six pounds of pure blue wizard meth coalescing in the filthy sink, Ron screamed “YEAH, BITCHES.”

        Skyler and Hermione tugged their braids in disapproval and began fingering each other.

        Calling my day early, because I need a lunch beer after that.

        Bonus points for the Waste of Time reference. (Between the 900 pages of sniffing and braid-tugging and the twelve pages of action, I never managed to finish the series.)

        1. Since The Elfstones of Shannara was the reason I stopped reading fantasy novels, some self-destructive impulse made me watch the pilot for the TV show on MTV.

          It’s not as horrible as I imagined.

          1. It’s not really good, but it’s not horrible either. It’s better than I would expect from MTV.

        2. Once I start a series or book, it has to be really bad for me not to ride it out to the end.

          I didn’t finish WoT.

          1. I finished it… it’s long… but I think Sanderson did a pretty good job finishing the series. I didn’t hate the ending, and yet I feel like that even after 13 f-ing books there were more details I would have liked. Like the kingdom beyond the Aeil waste.

      4. Jesus fuck, that made me laugh just as someone was walking by my office. You bastard.

  10. This is like a retarded episode of Retard World.

    1. You really need to stop watching MTV reality shows, dude.

  11. They comprise messages exchanged between Duffin and “Haven Monahan,” a presumed alias of Jackie’s. Haven pretended to have a romantic interest in Jackie as a means of gauging Duffin’s level of interest. Duffin, for his part, at first pretended to be a girl in Haven’s class?he was on orders from Jackie to find out whether Haven liked her. Eventually, Duffin admitted to Haven that he was the male friend whom Jackie likes?something Haven, who is actually Jackie, already knows?and Haven pretends to be furious.

    Never before have I ingested a passage more confusing than this.

    Jesus, how hard is:

    Do you Like me?

    [ ] Yes
    [ ] No
    [ ] Maybe

    1. Listen up, shitlord. Asking someone bluntly like that is a microagression of the highest order.

    2. Where is the option for “Like, but not like-like”?

    3. Where’s the option for “Yo dawg, I heard you was crazy, so we put pills in your pills so you could dose while you dose.”

    4. I think I was stumped by this scenario on the LSAT.

  12. Wait who is that a picture of? The Lost 4th Brady-Boy?

      1. This is a hilarious thread, and your “Josh Hartnett ” answer made me laugh more than anything else.

  13. *scans texts*

    I feel dumber.

    1. You and me both. And man, speaking for myself, that’s a feat.

  14. “Haven pretended to have a romantic interest in Jackie as a means of gauging Duffin’s level of interest. Duffin, for his part, at first pretended to be a girl in Haven’s class”

    Yeah, i’m completely fucking lost already. Do i have to pretend to be an 11 year old girl to give a fuck at this point?

    1. I don’t even think pretending works in this case. I really think you HAVE to be an 11 year old girl to give a fuck. And not a trans 11 yr old girl, but a genetically correct, born-at-birth girl. No carpetbagging on this one. There’s no faking it.

      1. umh, like, stop looking at me weird you perv. (kicks paul in the nuts)

        1. Give me back my purse! I don’t know you!

          1. +1 Bobby

    2. Okay. I missed that and was completely lost. Why was he pretending to be a girl? These people are mental infants and will all be voting.

      1. “Why was he pretending to be a girl?’

        Why does Robby pretend to be a boy? Why Does Nick Smolder In Direct Sunlight? WHY AM I YELLING!? Don’t ask questions you can’t handle the answers to, man.

      2. She was pretending to be a boy to try to get another boy interested in her. Not sure how that leads to false rape accusations.

      3. Without RTFA I’m going to guess Duffin pretended to be a girl at Jackie’s request.

        For example:

        Jackie: Hey Ryan, could you do me a favor and pretend to be a girl to see if Haven likes me/faithful to me/ whatever insanity”

  15. Looking at the content of those texts makes me feel so old. I used full words and stuff. People have gotten so used to texting I think actually using the phone as a phone and calling them puts them into a state of anxiety.

    1. These texts are just baffling. I understood why people used shitty spelling and such when you had to type shit using the old number pad, but most smartphones just allow you to swipe at the screen to get the word you want. It’s like they went out of their way to spell shit wrong.

      1. You have to. My phone corrects bad spelling dammit. If you wanted to use some stupid text speak you have to tell the phone you meant the retarded thing you wrote.

      2. Nah, my ducking phone autocorrects all kinds of words to into words I don’t want.

  16. She is an unimaginative and terrible writer, so how did she get in to U.Va? There is an essay portion to the admissions application, right?

    1. UVA is GPA first, SAT second, fuckall third. You could have a 3.9/1440 (circa 1995, I have no idea what the scale is now) and your essay could still be titled “The Night I Shroomed with a Gram of Coke Chaser and Violated the Dean’s Wife with Every Woodwind Instrument in the Charlottesville Symphony.”

      1. ” Vegetables are sensual. People are sensuous.”

        1. + 1 show me your cucumber

          1. How do I work in a kumquat reference?

            1. Rhyme it with “squat.”

      2. That essay sounds terrific and in terms of creativity and composition likely miles ahead of most the spew sent to admissions orifices.

      3. Full disclosure: I was a 3.6/1360 who got waitlisted and instead went to – as Hoos refer to it – Just Missed Uva (narrows gaze at LynchPin).

        1. I got in via SATs, having attended a hoity-toity private school in VA that sent a bunch of kids to UVA every years, then GPA. I don’t even remember writing an essay. This was also in 1995.

          I didn’t even want to go to UVA, really. I had always wanted to go to W&M. I got into both, but I was scared off from W&M from all the stories of how brutally tough it was and how many kids go suicidal there. UVA was supposed to be harder to get into but easier once you were there.

          1. And the punch line – my sister went to public school, had much better grades than me (she had a 4.0, I had a 3.4 or a 3.5), similar SATs, but was waitlisted because of the lack of private school prestige. On the other hand, she enjoyed her high school years while I spent mine with a bunch of rich kid assholes who regarded anyone whose family had been in Virginia for less than 200 years with suspicion.

      4. GPA first, SAT second

        I, uh, got in on my essays in ’98. I may have been a charity case, though.

        Thanks to Jackie, my gigantic diploma may now be worthless, so that’s neat.

      5. In an eerie coincidence that WAS the title of my admissions essay!

      6. I wonder how many colleges do that. I got accepted to an Engineering school with a hand-scrawled essay on badly rumpled paper with a shoeprint on it.

        Actually I think I got in on the “admit anyone and let them flunk out” policy, because I was lazy in high school, so my GPA there was lower than what I got in college. (I graduated in the end)

      7. “The Night I Shroomed with a Gram of Coke Chaser and Violated the Dean’s Wife with Every Woodwind Instrument in the Charlottesville Symphony.”

        Plagarist!

        1. “Sorry to bother you about this Dean Martin, but the thing is, this is the seventh essay we’ve gotten with the same basic account, and all from independent sources…”

  17. Again, Robby doesn’t answer the most important question: is she currently available?

    1. You need to text her in the persona of a 47 year old lumberjack named “Sven” to find out

      1. Or is super-cutie named Skyler Jobs, the heir to the Apple throne.

    2. She’s always available, CJ.

      1. Don’t… tempt me with this ring, Frodo.

  18. ” Duffin, for his part, at first pretended to be a girl in Haven’s class?he was on orders from Jackie to find out whether Haven liked her.”

    Pure. Insanity.

  19. OK I GET IT NOW

    She’s Tulpa

    1. They’re all TULPA! And the texts are coming from inside the house.

      1. Here a Tulpa
        There a Tulpa
        Eveywhere a Tulpa Tulpa!

        1. There is no commenter but Tulpa, and shriek is his prophet.

    2. coffee. keyboard. owed.

    3. She’s Mary, Erdely is Tulpa. Erdely always comes back with new stories that, OK, may not be substantiated, but they’re worth talking about, because what if they were? What would your response be then? She’s performing the important service of making you think about these uncomfortable but fictional scenarios.

      1. But is she a real journalist, you know, with a degree from Columbia ?

        1. Isn’t her back-and-forth with our own Rico Suave how that meme started?

          1. Actually, that was Anna Merlan. Fun fact: she doesn’t have a Wikipedia page (NTTAWWT) but a couple dozen citations in other people’s articles.

            Wikipedia: where “reputable sources” is an inside joke

  20. Duffin remains polite?almost to a fault?throughout.

    Well, if you knew you were talking to a sociopath or someone who would date a sociopath, you’d probably be polite, as well.

  21. I made up a fake girlfriend once, too. But she’s Canadian, so you wouldn’t know her.

    1. There’s a whole storyline in the texts about Jackie’s Canadian boyfriend and her visiting him in Canada.

      1. I ALREADY TOLD ROLLING STONE IT WASN’T ME.

    2. Are you George Glass?

    3. I made up a fake girlfriend once, too.

      Hell, I’ve made up more than one. Never told anybody about them, though. They were for my private enjoyment.

  22. My last pay check was $16400 working 8 hours a week online. My sisters friend has been averaging 8k for months now and she works about 19 hours a week. I can’t believe how easy it was once I tried it out. This is what I do..

    A?l?p?h?a-C?a?r?e?e?r?s.c?o?m

    1. Send me your sister’s friend’s number. We’ll talk about our boyfriends in Canada.

  23. Actual text from Jackie pretending to be a man:

    “She doesn’t like flowers. Or chocolate. Or the shit most girls like. She’s weird but challengin that’s why I like her.”

    Jackie clearly knows men and gets exactly how we text.

    1. yo bring beer

  24. And to think stories like this does leak into society at large and manages to even form opinion. Even with sports radio hosts like Dan LeBatard who earlier today said something to the effect of ‘woman are increasingly living in a hostile environment in this country’.

    Wtf?

    1. “Increasingly.”

      One of my favorite things about left-wing political thought is that they can’t say “things are vastly better but some sexism still exists,” they have to say “things are worse now than they were back when Aztecs used to sacrifice virgins on stone altars.”

      1. Well, as a gentleman, I always let a woman go through a door, or off an elevator ahead of me. How else am I gonna check out her ass ? So, yeah, I guess that is worse than the Aztecs.

        1. Its “Aztecs”, not “Asstecs”, Mainer2. Geez.

      2. The Aztecs weren’t really picky about sexual experience.

      3. The thing that also is irritating is he says it from within the halls of ESPN – one of the most derpastic PC diversity bull shit company out there. So clearly, he isn’t seeing any of it where he works but (air points) out there, somewhere it’s increasingly hostile because maybe Obama said it.

        Quite frankly, someone who utters such phrases is just not trying hard enough to find out what’s going on.

        1. Did I mention I like his show though?

        2. out there, somewhere it’s increasingly hostile because maybe Obama said it.

          He probably thinks that because Shrillary just lost NH to a delusional old geriatric white male motherfucker.

      4. One of my favorite things about left-wing political thought is that they can’t say “things are vastly better but some sexism still exists,” they have to say “things are worse now than they were back when Aztecs used to sacrifice virgins on stone altars.”

        Yeah, that drives me nuts. The way they talk, you’d think that we were on the verge of going back to slavery and married women not legally owning property.

    2. There was no domestic violence or sexual assault before women starting working, I can tell you that much.

  25. Haven pretended to have a romantic interest in Jackie as a means of gauging Duffin’s level of interest. Duffin, for his part, at first pretended to be a girl in Haven’s class?he was on orders from Jackie to find out whether Haven liked her. Eventually, Duffin admitted to Haven that he was the male friend whom Jackie likes?something Haven, who is actually Jackie, already knows?and Haven pretends to be furious.

    Drop word ‘probate’ into mess somewhere and this is bar exam scenario somehow.

    1. It’s in there. Fake Haven read her will and she’s giving all of her belongings to kids in Honduras or something.

  26. Oh good grief. This is why I avoid the corner. Winter break is the only time I can get Qdoba.

  27. Look, Robby. It’s time to face facts. Anna Merlan was right and you were wrong. Listen and believe.

  28. Extremely relevant to campus rape:

    Jackie (as Haven): Ask her if she loves me

    Ryan: She said no.

    Jackie: Thanks man

    Jackie: Was it a maybe no?

    Ryan: I think it was a no no. Sorry, man.

  29. Ok that was amusing. The thread, that it’s, I don’t even understand the article. I only have one question: Don’t you people have work to do?

  30. Were “Haven’s” texts normal college level texing? In other words, was Ryan telling Jackie something like “This Haven dude is a mouthbreathing weirdo and you should get a restraining order?” or is this really how the kids talk these days?

    1. That is definitely not how college kids text, unless things have gotten vastly crazier since I graduated 4 years ago.

  31. Can’t bring myself to read 22 pages of illiterate texting.

    Can someone please just cut to the chase and tell me if there’s a Sulcowicz-esque “Fuck me in the butt” moment? Please, make it so.

    1. Unfortunately I don’t think anyone else is interested in reading 22 pages of illiterate texting shite that looks more like something you’d expect from a cat walking across a keyboard than English.

      Sack up and do your own dirty work if you’re that curious.

    2. Please tell me Emma Sulcowicz is in jail/deported.

  32. I have to admit I was wrong. I didn’t even think the lying scrunt existed, that’s how much of a shitlord I am.

  33. The second most amusing thing I find in all of this is how, despite a couple of fairly important developments in the story, Jezebel and Ms. Merlan simply refuse to update it anymore. Heck, you’d think that “judge orders woman to reveal personal texts related to alleged sexual assault” would get notice from them because it could possibly set a precedent for other cases that don’t involve a habitual liar.

    1. Yep!! But this doesn’t fit their narrative. Not even close.

  34. I think Duffin dodges a bullet, assuming he and Jackie never hooked up. Remember kids, NSIIC: Never Stick It In Crazy.

  35. ERROR: Reason editors, the photo shown above is NOT of Jackie Coakley’s crush, Ryan Duffin. That photo is of her other friend, Alex Stock, who she called crying after her fake date. The photo you show is misleading.

    I would have expected better editing from Reason.

    1. update they changed the photo to Duffin today

  36. who the f names their fake persona ‘Haven’?

    1. Russ Meyers?

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