Reason Weekly Contest: Meet the New Ken, Name a Pet Toy

Last week's winners revealed.

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A product called "Mousr" will be—according to its manufacturer, Petronics—the first "artificially intelligent cat toy"  when it comes to the store later this year. Come up with the name of the next high-tech toy for a pet.

How to enter: Submissions should be e-mailed to [e-mail]. Please include your name, city, and state. This week, kindly type "PET TOY" in the subject line. Entries are due by 11 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday, Feb. 8. Winners will appear on Feb. 12. In the case of identical or similar entries, the first one received gets credit. First prize is a one-year digital subscription to Reason magazine, plus bragging rights. While we appreciate kibbitzing in the comments below, you must email your answer to enter the contest. Feel free to enter more than once, and good luck!

And now for the results of last week's contest: After Mattel unveiled its three new Barbies, we asked you to come up with the next iteration of Ken.

THE WINNER:

SJW Ken™ wears Barbie's clothes, hates Mattel  -- Colin Blake, Boston, MA

SECOND PLACE:

Cis Ken: GI Joe doll with Old Navy cargo shorts --  Russell  Seitz, Harvard University

THIRD PLACE:

Defeated by Life Ken: World weariness in face (lines, eyebags) and slightly hunched over posture.  Talking version bemoans how Barbie and the world have changed so much… -- Bob Magee, Stamford, CT

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Meth-head Ken: Skinnier than Barbie.

Old Biker Ken:  Complete with cane and trike -- Tom D, Phoenix, AZ

Ken Likes Men! (same as original Ken, but comes with a salmon polo) – Brian Heersink, Alamosa, CO

Ken with No Ears (because men don't listen anyway). -- Christopher P. Brown, Idlewylde, MD

Dad-Bod Ken -- Anthony Fuller, Avon, OH

Civil Forfeiture Ken with Car (Car not included) -- Colin Blake, Boston, MA (yes, again!)

Filthy-rich Ken: The box doesn't show what he looks like, but it's not as though anyone cares.

Trend-victim Ken: Has man bun, perpetual 3-day beard, and Chinese tattoo that no one who reads Chinese can read;  comes with tiny plastic Mini Cooper. -- --David J. Edmondson, Washington, D.C.

Ken Jong-il

Ken! (A doll nobody wanted to play with, even after the addition of the exclamation mark.) -- Tracy Davis, Lawrence, KS

Ken has traditionally been portrayed as an upper-class, uptight, plastic member of society.  To reduce the socioeconomic stereotype, Ken is putting down his sweater and tennis racket.  Introducing:

Perennial Student Loan Ken, complete with guitar, donation cup, and music-appreciation degree -- Tim Whalen, Manassas, VA

KombOver Ken -- Mark Ellis, Vancouver, BC

Introducing 4 new Ken dolls to reflect the progressive world of 2016

Men's Rights Activist Ken: Slightly overweight, slightly balding, unkempt beard, T-shirt reads "It's about journalism integrity in gaming"

Ally or Feminist Ken: Goatee, man-bun, scarf, works as a barista

White Male Privilege Ken: Basically the existing Ken -- CG

Anatomically ambiguous Ken -- Jim Noble, Boulder Creek, CA

"Call Me Kenlyn" Ken (win/win: first transgender Ken would be very PC, plus would just need to repurpose the original Barbie for new Ken doll) -- Christopher P. Brown, Idlewylde, MD

Occupy Wall Street Ken (Comes with iPhone 6, MacBook Pro and a Soy, Java Chip Frappuccino… with caramel drizzle!)  -- Greg Peters, Palmdale, CA

Taken: Clean cut, married Ken

Munchken: Short overweight Ken who likes to snack

Broken: Ken's bankrupt brother

Faken: Actually Juan using Ken's identification to get a work permit

Pumpken: Muscle guy Ken with spray-on tan

Woken: Transgender Ken

Smoken: Very attractive and marijuana-growing Ken

Packen: Recently divorced Ken

Baken:  The old-fashioned breadwinning Ken who has learned to cook and share household duties

Spoken: Articulate Ken, Barbie's favorite.

Mistaken: Average everyday guy Ken, often misunderstood by Barbie -- David Williams, Raleigh, NC

AND FROM THE COMMENTS:

Angry Ken: Comes with a restraining order from Barbie and a drinking problem

Realistic Ken: Has a pot belly, bald spot, and fading tribal armband tattoo. Accessories include a sixer of Milwaukee's Best and a laptop so he can Facebook-stalk Skipper's friends.

Balding Overweight Ken to go with Curvy Barbie.

Fatphobic Ken: refuses to touch "curvy" Barbie

NY douche bag investor Ken: Comes with blue suit, hookers, and blow

Prepper Ken" Comes with poncho, bomb shelter, and cans of Spam

FeelTheBern Ken: Accessories include Comparative Lit degree from Berkeley and his parents, whom he lives with

Ken, eh? Ken's Canadian cousin from Saskatchewan. Comes with flannel shirt (which cannot be removed); is maple-scented

Lies to Himself Ken

Cross-fit Ken. He is fit, intense, and passionate about his exercise regimen. God help you if a carb gets anywhere near him.

Comments

[commodious spittoon]

To hell with the cat, I'll just take the AI-driven pet replacement. Almost as good as a Roomba.

[Rhywun]

I'll take one if it doesn't puke on the carpet.

[UnCivilServant]

No, it agressively chases houseguests.

[commodious spittoon]

So, no downside.

[Rhywun]

Yeah, win-win.

[Brochettaward]

We need a Joe six pack Ken doll. One with a hardhat and a button where he shouts cat calls at the older, hotter barbies.

[Episiarch]

Come up with the name of the next high-tech toy for a pet.

Shitr, for when your dog isn't an outside dog but wants to roll in shit anyway.

[Fist of Etiquette]

I'll have you know my dog was an outside dog who never rolled in feces. He never even rolled on the animals he killed and subsequently chewed the faces off of. (Apparently to stop them from judging him.)

[UnCivilServant]

Did you name him 'faceater'?

[Fist of Etiquette]

Unfortunately I named him before I found his greatest talent.

[Limpee Wiltstock]

"Shitr, for when your dog isn't an outside dog but wants to roll in shit anyway."

That is fucking excellent. Funniest thing I read on the 'internet' for days, or more. I can't remember any further back than a few days.

Our dogs was always pretty good about rolling in f?ces. I mean, they never rolled in f?ces at all, except human f?ces.

[Copernicus would chip]

Red Rocket: When your dog really needs to rub one out.

[WTF]

SJWr - a new doll that constantly harangues you to "check your privilege" and gives random quizzes to test the effectiveness of your "sensitivity training". Administers random shocks to white children, because "privilege".

[Jerryskids]

The box Mousr comes in.

[Dr No]

+1

[Rhywun]

Ken Likes Men! (same as original Ken, but comes with a salmon polo)

Gay men stopped wearing pink about 30 years ago.

[Diane Reynolds (Paul.)]

So there are no gay men who wear pink. None. Way to generalize...

[Rhywun]

I'm willing to accept photographic proof otherwise. But I only see dudebros in pink nowadays.

[Diane Reynolds (Paul.)]

Boom.

It's England though, so... that means they might not even be gay.

[Rhywun]

Clearly they're on their way to a tractor pull.

[WTF]

It's not pink, it's SALMON!

[Limpee Wiltstock]

I get that all the fucking time. I mean, people saying this or that about my "pink" shirt or my "pink" hat, and every fucking time the 'garment' in question is cocksucking salmon. But, after decades of exposure, i'm starting to suspect that most people are very nearly colourblind. Since childhood, I been confronted by idiots unable to distinguish colours which are different as East and West. I thought maybe I had some kind of retardism about naming colours or something. Since, however, I've taken folks out on foraging expeditions, and even if I get two flowers and hold them side by side in broad daylight, people still claim they can't see any fucking difference, when the two colours are so different I can tell them apart from thirty yards with no glasses, in variable lightings. Unfortunately, there often is no name that I know of to distinguish them (How, for instance, does one describe the different shades of "white", even if they are as easily distinguishable as red and green? There's no words for it, unless you're an optician or something.). But, thankfully, for SALMON and PINK we have two distinct concepts with clear labels. How the fuck anybody can confuse the two colours is not anything I can come up with.

[Limpee Wiltstock]

Maybe in Turkey or Ashkanazistan or wherever the fuck you're coming from, but it was still current as fuck when I used to have to go to Missoula regularly a few years back, which was much recentlier than thirty.

[Limpee Wiltstock]

And, fuck, thirty years ago I remember they was more likely to go some kind of camo than anything else.

[Suthenboy]

Who was responsible for choosing the winners on the Ken doll?

I vaguely remember some of the suggestions in the comments last week being better than any of those. Is this a paean to PC?

When it comes to PC you are supposed to dip your finger in Tabasco sauce and then poke PC in the eye.

[WTF]

Kibbitzing in the comments doesn't count.

[Trigger Hippie]

I want to see an Agile Cyborg Ken. Basically a Robocop doll equipped with a sheet of acid, blow, and thousands of miniature tape measures and empty beer bottles.

[Limpee Wiltstock]

Yeahr and if you pull the string he ejaculates all over everything.

[Rufus The Monocled Derp Slayer]

CAN WE MOVE ON FROM KEN THAT BUM.

Hey, hang on.

Welfare Ken - Comes with complimentary comb along with 'Vote for Bernie Sanders' and 'Free shit now' pins.

[Crusty Juggler]

HARVARD!?!?!?

[UnCivilServant]

Are you sure you're screaming in the correct thread?

[Los Doyers]

His screams transcend threadtime.

[Crusty Juggler]

I am outraged that the second place winner listed his location as Harvard University. We don't need no Ivy league infestation up in this piece.

[UnCivilServant]

Who cares about first loser?

Anyway, we know they're lying, no one at that indoctrination center would visit reason

[Crusty Juggler]

The toy will be named "Bae."

[Princess Trigger]

Llama-tron: just a dumb ass, smelly, shit machine for rural hipsters.
But its eyes glow.

[Crusty Juggler]

The toy will be named "Reek."

[Chipper Morning Wood]

Why aren't more dogs called Reek?

[Crusty Juggler]

"Commandant Meowsome"

[Crusty Juggler]

"Mrs. Gumdrop P. Snugglepants IV" but we usually just call her Snuggles .

[Chipper Morning Wood]

The names are supposed to be for the toy, not the pets, you dingbat.

[Crusty Juggler]

I play my own games, fella.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Infantr, for the pet boa constrictor whose owners don't have children's cribs for it to find its way into.

Toddlerr, similar to the Infantr, but for pitbulls.

[Chipper Morning Wood]

PrivlgChkr - subjects your pet to the random dangers of a homeless street cat

[Rhywun]

Does it speak jive?

[Trigger Hippie]

Introducing The Reason Squirrel! The perfect robotic companion to your house pet! Enjoy hours of entertainment watching Reason Squirrel bite your pet until it repeats itself three times or simply cuts it off mid bark/meow!

[Chipper Morning Wood]

UpperDkr - take the next step, after your cat has learned to shit in the toilet

[mad.casual]

Gey - A collaboration between ?be;r; and Google, this miraculous product allows your cat or dog to drive your car for you.

[Limpee Wiltstock]

Need something that gets your dog a job.

[Chipper Morning Wood]

Problem-Matic - a Stormfront or Social Justice game for your pets: is the pitbull growling to attack a minority breed, or angry on behalf of bitches not getting respect?

[Roger the Shrubber]

Super Happy Fun Ball! - your dog should not taunt Super Happy Fun Ball!

[Free Market Socialist $park?]

New and improved cardboard box

Laundry basket o' fun

Shred-proof ball of paper

Undigestable roll of twine

[lap83]

Newspapr - for the discerning cat who refuses to lay across keyboards, which perpetuate the current fads of fake journalism and uncouth comment sections

[Dr No]

Click "AGREE" to use/fetch iStick.

[Scalro Humillimus]

ROD (Remotely Operated Dildo). Do the rest of you only keep animals as pets?

[Dr No]

Rule 34
https://www.kiiroo.com/product/pearl-5/

[Dr No]

Unless it comes with a timer, I suspect Mousr will do for cats what the Red Shoes did for ballet.

[Scalro Humillimus]

I already gave my cat a Mauser.

[Limpee Wiltstock]

Same three guys win every time. Same three guys. Just using different names.

[Limpee Wiltstock]

Regarding this mousr thing: It just doesn't seem right to develop artificial intelligences just so we can have something for cats to torture.