Reason Weekly Contest: A Famous Novel Needs a Sequel Title
Last week's winners revealed.


Welcome back to the Reason Weekly Contest! This week's question is:
Go Set a Watchman, Harper Lee's newly published sequel to To Kill a Mockingbird has shocked America by painting beloved protagonist Atticus Finch as a bitter racist. Please come up with the title of another shocking sequel to a classic novel.
How to enter: Submissions should be e-mailed to contest@reason.com. Please include your name, city, and state. This week, kindly type "SEQUEL" in the subject line. Entries are due by 11 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday, Aug. 3. Winners will appear Friday, Aug. 7, right here at Reason.com.
In the case of identical or similar entries, the first one received gets credit. First prize is a one-year digital subscription to Reason magazine, plus bragging rights. While we appreciate kibbitzing in the comments below, you must email your answer to enter the contest. Feel free to enter more than once, and good luck!
And now for the results of last week's contest: After it ran a story about an otherwise obscure publishing exec's supposed sexual exploits, Gawker was roundly criticized and ended up pulling the post. We asked you to come up with a headline we could expect to see on a newly contrite, non-offensive Gawker.
THE WINNER:
While You Read This Story, We'll Hug This Puppy! — Mike Bledsoe, Kansas City, MO
SECOND PLACE:
White Heterosexual Male Does Positive Thing for Community — Sean, Sterling, VA
THIRD PLACE:
Ask Us About Our Discounted Advertising Rates! — Joe Leibrandt, Costa Mesa, CA
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Beloved Cat Mr. Meow-Meow Woos Crowd at Neutral Holiday Celebration — James Van Damme, Plano, TX
George W Bush No Longer the Cause of All the World's Problems — David, Dunedin, Fl
Kittens Are Nice. Unless You Disagree. Please Don't Sue Us. — Liam Smith, Davenport, IA
One Weird Trick for Rehabilitating the Tattered Remnants of Your Journalistic Reputation! — Bob Woolley, Asheville, NC
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Never read the book, never saw the movie.
"To Kill a Lion in Africa and Post Pics to My Website"
I wanna throw this at the top, it's so good:
Fuckleberry Hinn!
Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Bone - When Harry met Dumbledore and their Forbidden Love.
(Actually more of a prequel)
OT: the other day, a commenter complained about the phrase guerrilla warfare. I don't like that phrase either. Guerrilla just means "little war" in Spanish. It was coined during the Napoleon's Spanish campaign. Asymmetric warfare is also an ugly phrase. I suggest using English diminutives.
How about warlet? Or warling? Maybe miniwar or microwar?
Discuss.
Parum bellum.
That's what my 9mm ammo calls itself!
/not quite
"Para bellum" actually means "prepare for war".
OK then. I was just planning on some target practice - paper targets - nothing hostile....
*backs away quickly*
"I SAID PREPARE FOR WAR, MAGGOT! NOW LET ME SEE YOUR WAR FACE! ARRRRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!"
THAT'S NOT A WAR FACE! WORK ON IT!
If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit! Because I am hard, you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on niggers, kikes, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that?
SIR YES SIR!!
I CAN'T HEAR YOU, SOUND OFF LIKE YOU GOT A PAIR!
SIR YES SIR!
How about warped?
Hmm, maybe warble?
How about just doubling it up and calling it war-war?
Lil' war??
Lil' war-war? Does that sound racist?
Warred of the state?
Warlet?
Microagression.
Or microaggression. 'sup g?
I Can't Believe It's Not War!
(but if Congress doesn't have to declare it, it obviously isn't)
Kinetic Military Mini Action
War Lite, SmartWar, Diet War, Lean War...
Le petit mort. No, wait. That is something else.
Yeah, that's what war is to Cytotoxic.
HIYO!!
Only if someone else's country is fighting it.
La petite guerre isn't bad actually.
Kipling: "the savage wars of peace"
Quasi-war?
Change it to "gorilla" to make it easier for people to spell.
I think "guerilla" has been used that way long enough in English that it' specific origin and etymology is irrelevant.
War and Peace and Vodka and Bears
Oh my!
Vodka addled Bears wage War/Peace
The Concentration Camp of Anne Frank
I can't feel good about that one, but it just wrote itself.
Nice
The fact that I laughed at that means I'm an even worse human being than I thought. *sigh*
Funny, but not a sequel to a novel, and so disqualified.
A Discreet List of the Charitable Givings of Mr. Ebeneezer Scrouge, Esq.
The Portrait of the Artist as an Aging Alcoholic
The Portrait of the Artist as a Post-Op Transgender Woman
The Portrait of the Artist as an Underemployed Starbucks Barista.
The Portrait of the Artist as a Small-Time Community Organizer Who Became God Emperor of the Left.
Machiavelli's "The Pauper" - service to the poor and disenfranchised revealed as life's highest calling.
Not a novel.
Mein Hut Der Hat Drei Ecke Kampf
Not a novel.
Don Juan Quixote: Noches de Boogie
Death in East Moline
Old Yeller II: The Replacement
Bravo!!!
*applauds*
*joins in applause*
+1
"Kool and the Choom Gang," the sequel To Obama's book.
Now I suppose you all are going to tell me that's not a classic, which just proves you are a bunch of racist Rethuglican teabaggers.
Dreams of my Other Fathers
I had a really mean spin-off of this, but even I can't post it.
Do it!
Not a novel.
The Republic, Part II: The Talkening
Don't make me say that again.
The Sound and the Fury of Musical Chairs
Brave New World II: Brave Harder
...With a Vengeance
+1
Ethan Frome, Part II....zzzzzsnort sorry I couldn't stay awake for the first one and I'll be darned if I stay awake for this one
Gone With The Confederate Battle Flag
+1
Along the same lines based upon one of my favorites:
A Confederacy of Confederates or Ignatius' Revenge
The Scarlet Letter II - This Time With Actual Sex Scenes
Trolling Statists: by Niccol? di Bernardo dei Machiavelli
Up From Slavery II - by Donald Trump
More like: The Art of Chapter 11 - by Donald Trump
How To Alienate Friends And Fuck Over People - H. Clinton
A multi-volume set.
(Not available in electronic format)
heh
The Phantom Menace of the Opera
*stands to wildly applaud and throw roses*
Two horrible movies that are even worse together!
Mein Kampfire Girls
War and Peace - the Unabridged Version
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
The Electric Kool Aid Acid Flashback
Fifty Shades of Negro
The Dead Man and the Sea
Oooh! Zombie Hemingway!
The Importance of Being Anus, I Mean Earnest. Yeah, That's the Ticket
The Importance of Ernest Saving Christmas
[polite applause]
Know what I mean, Vern?
More like:
The Importance of Not Admitting to Anal (Stay out of prison, boys!)
Brave New World Series of Poker
For Whom Belle Knox Toils
Hansel and Gretel and Ted and Alice
That Hansel. He's so hot right now.
Kentucky Fried Canterbury Tales
Nineteen eighty-five - the new doubleplusgood adventures of Winston Smith in Airstrip One
Le Petit Prince of Bel Air
Yes
The Little Prince by Machiavelli & Dr Seuss
Some french aviator guy already did that one.
The Bible II: Jesus Returns
Contains the books of Schuyler, Aiden, Mason and Jesse.
No SugarFree? I am disappoint...
This is The Bible, SugarFree is the bad guy.
I larfed!
Mao's Little Red Coloring Book
My Friend Doc Holliday.....'s Transformation To Debra Holliday
Of Mice and Men 2: The Lennie Chainsaw Massacre
My favorite so far
The Book of Mormon Dianetic Tai Bo
Boo Radley's Revenge
Thirty Seconds Over Tokyo - The Spread of Tentacle Porn in the US Air Force
Atlas Shrugged--Axis of Evil or Sphere of Fortune
It's all about how you interpret something...
The Red Wings of Courage
Moby Dick II: The Reckoning - Ahab is back, and he's pissed
2084: A Roadmap to Newerspeak Goodthink ~ by E. Ann Warren
Portnoy's Complaint II - Portnoy Discovers the Internet and Is Never Seen Again
+2 little cups of Hannah's brassiere!
Anna Karenina II: Vronsky's Revenge
True Grit II - Electric Boogaloo
...More Big Talk From a One Eyed Fat Man.
The History of Tom Jones Part 2: It Ain't Unusual
Why, why, why, Delilah??
The Invisible Man goes to the Voting Booth
"I told you I never saw any evidence of voter fraud!"
The Last Temptation of Christian Bale
Hope the audiobook is read by Christian Bale in his batman voice.
I, Robot Overlord
Atlas shrugged-- and No One Cared
"I Don't Understand Mythology", part of an ongoing series called "I Don't Understand" by american socialist, with guest authors mtrueman, Tony, JackandAce, and Palin's Buttplug. Foreward by Bo Cara Esq.
Hmm, I may not have given american socialist enough credit.
Perhaps he meant "Atlas Shrugged, and No One Was Left Alive to Care".
Bonus points for subtle communist honesty!
Infinitely More Jest.
Bo knows jest....
Catcher in the Rye II - Yeah, I'll get around to reading it just as soon as I've finished reading the original, an experience which by the mercy of God and my high school teachers I escaped
Everyone's a phony. The end.
Pilgrim's Progressive Manifesto - Musings on Cis-Shitlord Hegemonic Behavior in Colonial America
+1
Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Wuthering Heights
Hell is for Real
+1
The Norman Chronicles.
Bloodier Meridian: Glanton's Story
The Wealth of Nations Are Belong To Us
The Mediocre Gatsby
Nice!
+1
Divorce of the Three Kingdoms.
A Dream of Spring by George RR Martin and Brandon Sanderson.
The authors of all the Important Novels I was forced to read in high school are fed into a [name of brush-clearing machine deleted]
Wait, is that a sequel or just a fantasy?
I really, really enjoyed HS English, and enjoyed most of the books we read.
Except "A Separate Peace". Awful.
Oh, and ALL Hemingway. I despise him. We wrote an epic parody of some Hemingway - still have it and read through it once or twice a year with my co-author. And we laaaaauuuugh....
Well, YMMV.
I had Ethan Frome (above), Grapes of Wrath, The Great Gatsby, and maybe some others of the same ilk.
I had to read Invisible Man... not The Invisible Man by H.G. Wells, which is an altogether enjoyable book, but Invisible Man by Ralph Waldo Ellison. I almost got kicked out of the class for incessantly mocking the idiocy of that book.
I did enjoy the Mark Twain section of the class.
10th grade Engrish turned me on to Ray Bradbury, for which I am forever grateful to Misses Kell. (or "Massah Kell" as we used to snicker behind her back...)
Yeah, A Separate Peace is a piece of shit. My English teacher pretty much said it was, but it served as an example of a novel with lots of blunt symbolism and heavy handed allegory.
blunt symbolism and heavy handed allegory
^^THIS! "The abstract subject of..." GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHSHUTTHEFUCKUP!
The October Country and Western Hoedown
Reamde: With A Vengence
Naomiewolf
would.
No way! Naomi Wolf is way too attractive for your tastes. Uggos only, remember?
I am off my game. Thanks, MG
The Dentist Is A Lonely Hunter (obviously)
Animal Organic Farm (now with artisanal mayonnaisse and free-range tofu!)
The Naked And The Walking Dead (now an AMC mini-series)
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Ford Galaxie 500 (A sequel to The Adventures of Ford Fairlane)
The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Ford Galaxie 500
Heh.
Gravity's Rainbow II: Even More Peculiar Erudition.
The Lord of the Springs: A Tale of Middle Slinky
With Malice Toward NONE SHALL PASS!
With Malice Toward NONE SHALL PASS!
My Body, My Selection of Baby Parts
Horton Goes Deaf.
The Adventures of Tom's Lawyer
"Tom, Becky wants sole custody of the kids... you should've thought twice before you stuck your dick in Amy Lawrence."
The Art of Kinetic Military Action
Catch 22 Venereal Diseases
Nice.
Uncle Tom's Cabin Boy
I loled
The Name of The Rose is now "The Jim"
+1 clone
The Declaration of Independents II: How Libertarians Can Fix What's Wrong With Abortion, Campus Rape and Donald Trump
His Majesty's Inland Revenue Island
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe They Came Out Of
Nice.
Heather has Two Mommies,but They Both Have a Penis.
Ha!
1985, the instruction manual.
20,000 Leagues Under the Antitrust Exemption
Are you there God? It's me, Bruce Jenner.
yes!
Winner
*Frowns*
His name is Caitlyn.
I mean HER name. HER name is Bruce. Ah, Caitlyn.
Send In The Insane Clown Posse
A Magnet Opus
Another Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich: I'm Walkin' on Sunshine, Woah-oh-oh!
Katrina and the Gulags?
Ivanhoe - Sex Worker of Lincoln
The Mango on House Street
Walden II: Fuck All These Mosquitoes
Finnegan's Wake II: This Time, It's Comprehensible
The Bridges of Madison County Are All Crumbling Due To Draconian Republican Budget Cuts
"My name isn't Frankenstein"
- The Monster
"Call Me Frankenstein"
Someone mentioned to me that since the monster can be seen as Frankenstein's son (and saw himself that way), he could without much of a stretch take his Dad's name.
Where did you get that ridiculous name?
From you, Dad. I learned it from you.
Peter Pan 2: The Lord of the Flies
Megadeth of a Salesman
Angle Iron of Repost.
Dead Flowers for Dead Algernon.
On the Road Again, No Thanks to Stupid Kochbaggers
Rakine 451: Not Nearly As Threatening As It Sounds
2002: A Space Oddity
The Rest of My Life With Morrie Because It Turns Out He's Crazy and I'm Chained to the Wall in His Basement
Slaughterhouse 4: Pilgrim loses his religion
A Millennial Yankee All Up In King Arthur's Business
The Invisible Person of Unspecified Gender
Jack Reacher of Mars
Midday in the Garage of Boring and Uneventful.
All Cold on the Eastern Front.
"Super Noisy in the Western Behind"
It Takes A Village Idiot
Frank Herbert's DUNE BUGGY: WHEEEE!
"Little blue dune buggy...in the sand..."
Wuthering Heights 2: This Time It's Personal
A Prequel to The Handmaid's Tale called The Mattress Girl's Tale or Revenge of the Sith
The Handjob's Tale
Watership Multi-family Housing Development
Sequel to Watership Down Where Al Czervic buys the land to build condos on it, resulting in the rabbits being killed off and/ or forced to relocate to the country club, where they forge an alliance with the gophers, culminating in a final showdown with Carl Spackler, who's now the head greenskeeper.
good one. I had a similar idea for the same book but couldn't think of a name
Watership Down (which I am currently re-reading) was my first choice as well.
Watership UP, where a geriatric widower rabbit flies his warren to South America.
The Sixth Common Sense - "I see dead redcoats"
Three Men, One Boat
What does the boat self-identify as?
And the sequel sequel Three Men and a Little Dinghy?
The Illiad, The Odyssey, The Bankruptcy
Haiku of the Ancient Mariner
An albatross dies
He didn't mean to do it
The bird falls away
The Rise and Fall of Trumptopia
The Little Engine That Could Stand To Reduce Its Pollutants
so depressing, I love it
Change pollutants to carbon footprint and I think you've got a winner
yeah that would be better
Ditching Godot Because He's Late Again
The Big Sleepover: Sorority Pillow Fight
The Not Giving is Taking Tree
lap38, don't give a bow!
*polite applause*
lap83 is on point today.
Johnny Tremain II: Johnny Applies for SS Disability and Mooches off the System
Pinocchio- The Brian William's Story
The Hunchback of Notre Dame--Inflate-gate
Go Tell It On Twitter
As I Lay Decomposing
The Somewhat-Diminished Nowhere
L.A. Leaked
The Oppressed-American Dahlia
Priveleged-American Jazz
Rainbow Fish II - All your scales are belong to us, bitch.
Tom Sawyer v. Godzilla: A Warty Time Travel Adventure
The African-American Cauldron.
The Cat in the Hat on a Hot Tin Roof.
The Kill Count of Anne Frank, Jewish Sniper
The worst follow-up: Gulliver's Vacation Photos.
The Boxcar Children: The CPS Agent Mystery
Going Home
Valentine Michael Smith says FYTW and commandeers a ship back to Mars
Fahrenheit 452 : Burn Hotter
The Red Badge of Courage II: "My later life, self-identifying as a wise latina"
Jurassic Caribbean Cruise.
The Andromeda Fracture.
Rising Sunset Boulevard
Something Wicked this Way Comes-- A Night out With Pee Wee Herman
Is there a limit...?
Libertarianism and the Art of Monocle Maintenance
Nice.
Yossarian's Diary: How I escaped Solution-Negating Directives and Survived the War.
The Handicapper General: Now It's My Time to Shine.
Clear and Present Danger 2: Avenging Cecil
Johnny Got His Gun, Then He Took His Wallet
Remembrance of Things Past II - They *ALL* want cake.
The Voice Mail of Cthulhu
The Road to Serfdom: a Guide for the Rest of Us
Atlas Puked
Atlas gives the "What the Heck?" look.
Horton hears The Who
Obama's Inferno: The Nine Circles of Government Hell*
*I know it is a poem you dirty pedants.
#GamerGate of Thrones: A Prance of Progs
The Collected Essays of John Galt, UNABRIDGED
Fifty Grades of Shea
Is that about when Anna Benson threatened to sleep with every other member of the Mets if her husband cheated on her?
Grapes of Wrath- Napa Valley and the Guide to Climate Change
The Naked and the Dead II: Nightshift at the VA.
Dr. Krugman's love or: How I learned to stop worrying and love the socialism
A Free Market Capitalist in The Supreme Court
Puss in Kinky Boots.
A Hipster Startup Grows in Brooklyn
Once a Crow - the story of good but slightly faulted member of the Night's Watch whose career constantly crosses with a much more suave, political, and amoral one.
It - Happy Meal
( I love these!)
Die Hard: With a walker.
HRC's memoirs: Hard Choices: To Serve Man.
Soylent Green - Animal Rights Advocates' Dream
Bend Her
Never mind. Wrong contest.
Ben's a Her
?
Uncle Django's Cabin
Last Tango In Paris- I'm a Brand, NOT a Hotel
Pride and Prejudice- Dear Abby
Who's Afraid Of Virginia Woolf-- Reality TV Sucks