The Headline We've All Been Waiting For

"Scientists warn of 'Planet of the Apes' scenario"

Comments

[Nipplemancer]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53qeiAVjHQU

[MWG]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....re=related

[space biologist]

more likely:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dj6_x5n1Y2Y

[Quetzalcoatl]

Threadjack:
I've only ever seen the first Planet of the Apes. Is it worth watching the rest of the series?

[Trespassers W]

NO.

[Name Nomad]

I completely disagree with Trespasser W. The only proper answer to that question is, "FUCK NO!"

[har]

I've only ever seen the first Planet of the Apes. Is it worth watching the rest of the series?

Nope. There are no Bonobos in any of the movies, so no monkey porn.

[oncogenesis]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUKS69Wj22I

[Pro Libertate]

See, this is the kind of doomsday scenario I've been waiting for. Not terrorists. Not debt. Apes with guns, mano-a-mano, let the best primate win.

[WTF]

Apes with guns, mano-a-mano, let the best primate win.

Where would they get all the tanks, artillery, smart bombs and F-22's they would need to actually stand a chance of winning?

[Pro Libertate]

They'd just take ours, silly.

[WTF]

Ah, well, that explains it then.

[Hugh Akston]

Yeah, just look at the ease with which the technological superiority of the US trounced its enemies in Viet Nam, Afghanistan, and Iraq.

The monkey war will be over in weeks.

[WTF]

I forgot about how we were conquered by Vietnam. My bad.

[Knutsack]

I don't think we've used our "real" technological superiority yet.

[Hugh Akston]

True, but weaponizing facebook will be a difficult and expensive process.

[Knutsack]

We start with Twitter first because that allows for fewer characters. Then, once we've perfected that, that's when we hit them with all of our weight: Facebook.

[CE]

The monkey war will be over in weeks.

I wouldn't call it a war, really, more like an inter-species kinetic military action.

[Chupacabra]

Eric Holder and the ATF?

[WTF]

+1

[Sudden]

RACIST?

[Al Gore]

Manbearpig is just around the corner! I'm cereal!

[Scruffy Nerfherder]

I, for one, welcome our new man-ape overlords.

[Pro Libertate]

See, the problem with this scaremongering is that if we can give monkeys human intelligence, we can give humans the strength, agility, and whatever else we want of other species. Not to mention, we're millennia ahead of the other primates in killer robot development. Our robot slaves will slaughter even intelligent monkeys by the thousand.

[Joe M]

What if the monkeys and robots unite against us???

[Nipplemancer]

skynet and ape overlords? then we're fucked.

[Jesse Walker]

skynet and ape overlords? then we're fucked.

THE SIMIAN SINGULARITY

[Pro Libertate]

Which, of course, is what's actually going to happen.

[db]

http://video.adultswim.com/sea.....brain.html

"In science news today, surgeons have successfully transplanted little Django's brain into a robot-monkey body."

[dbcooper]

BEST EPISODE EVER!

[Pro Libertate]

That's not possible. Where do you get such ideas?

[Episiarch]

I hate every chimp I see, from chimp-an-A to chimp-an-Z...

[Pro Libertate]

Really, do you think Dr. Zaius would be worse than our current government?

[Nipplemancer]

do you think real monkeys would do any worse?

[Joe M]

If there were millions of them, they might rewrite the Constitution to say:

"Congress shall make no law... abridging the freedom of bleach."

[Pro Libertate]

The Freedom of Feces.

[Joe M]

Manbearpig would definitely support the right to keep bear arms.

[SugarFree]

The right to bear feces.

[SugarFree]

Ape Congress shall make no ape law respecting an establishment of Ape religion, or prohibiting the free ape exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of ape speech, or of the ape press; or the right of the apes peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Ape Government for a redress of ape grievances.

[Pro Libertate]

Nor shall Ape kill Ape without due process of law.

[SugarFree]

No Gorrila shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Ape Owner, nor in time of war on the beat Man, but in a manner to be prescribed by The Law Giver.

[Pip]

Bear feces good for tiny Asian penis.

[WTF]

The right to screech and fling feces, shall not be abridged.

[Episiarch]

I said chimp, not orangutan, ProL. Try to stay with the program, OK? Everyone knows that orangutans are scientists.

[Pro Libertate]

Well, if you'd been paying attention, you'd have noticed that Bright Eyes' trial was judged by orangutans. And the gorillas did Zaius' bidding. And Cornelius and Zira were scientists.

Confess--you've only seen the Marky Mark version.

[SugarFree]

What a fucking mistake. If I was Episiarch, I'd just die from embarrassment. Assuming the gangrenous anal polyps didn't do me in first.

[Episiarch]

All those fucking monkeys look the same to me, like the Irish.

[Jim]

I'm conflicted. Is it racist to say that different species of great apes all look the same?

Just in case it is, I'll give a preemptive RRRAAAAACCCCCIIIIIIISSSSSTTTTT!!!!!

[SugarFree]

To decide if something is racist, you first have to decide if a white guy said something. Whatever he said is racist.

Who are the white people among the apes? Gibbons?

[Episiarch]

Charlie: Oh, oh, oh! What about, uh, monkey? Monkeys are, like, nature's humans.

Dee: I doubt they have monkey, Charlie.

Charlie: People eat monkey, Dee. They ate it in Temple of Doom. You ever see that?

Chinese Butcher: Hey. We got monkey.

[Joe M]

It's probably just tapeworms.

[Pro Libertate]

J'accuse!

I recommend that Episiarch be required to watch all of the Planet of the Apes movies all at once. If he fails to do so in the next 48 hours, he has to watch the Marky Mark version.

[Pro Libertate]

In the old days, they'd have dropped the ban hammer on him. We used to go all Planet of the Apes or, at least, one of the other Hestonian Apocalypse Trilogy every third thread or so.

[Ashlyn]

Here was me thinking orangutans were Librarians.

[Pro Libertate]

Remedial Apes training all around!

[Episiarch]

NutraSweet is no orangutan; he's a lemur. All librarians are lemurs. Yeah, I said it.

[SugarFree]

I am not a strepsirrhine primate, dammit! Arggh! [lemurrage]

[Jim]

Much like Capt. Picard was turning into in the episode where everyone devolved. For some reason, the intelligent bald man began reverting to a lemur, whereas Riker turned into an aggressive, hulking brute. Go figure.

[Tim]

One of the most absurd episodes.

[Pro Libertate]

I do have one universal recommendation to future Star Treks beyond "Avoid child characters." It's "Avoid de-evolution."

[SugarFree]

Avoid evolution as well. It'd like to brand "Evolution is not entelechy!" right on Rick Berman's asshole.

[highnumber]

Did you just call the Librarian a monkey?

[Pro Libertate]

Everyone is anti-book since the e-readers came out. This antibiblioism extends to hatred of librarians.

[SugarFree]

Lemurs are not monkeys. They are strepsirrhine primates. PWN'D!

[Pro Libertate]

You would know.

[Brandybuck]

Ook! Ook!

[Hugh Akston]

Bobo/Pickles 2012!

[Chupacabra]

That is so racist!

[SIV]

I wouldn't send kids to the Human Party camp.

[Seer]

And then those Cylons will kill us instead.

[Marge Simpson]

Homer, do you ever think about the future?

[A Serious Charlton Heston]

IT'S A MADHOUSE! A MADHOUSE!!!!!!!

[Joe M]

I, for one, welcome our new humanized ape overlords.

[Joe M]

D'oh!

[Episiarch]

This seems suspiciously timed with Rise of the Planet of the Apes coming out.

[Kristen]

Ding ding ding ding!

[Pro Libertate]

They are running a viral (hate that word in marketing, incidentally) marketing campaign with videos of dangerous monkeys. The videos look quasi-real, so I suppose quasi-real science is possible, too.

[Episiarch]

Is Roddy McDowell in them? Is Roddy even alive still?

[Pro Libertate]

Sadly, he's been dead for quite some time--since the late 90s. Which is why the idea of new Planet of the Apes movies is so silly.

[Virginia]

Roddy was in the original Fright Night too. Is Overboard coming out soon? One can dream.

[Nipplemancer]

Marky Mark is doing a prequel? Why did I not hear about this.

[A Serious Man]

At least it can't possibly be worse than the Mark Whalberg 2001 version...Right?

[AlmightyJB]

I fail to see significant change should this happen. The human race is just a bunch of hairless apes. If apes could talk, they would probably make more sense than most of congress.

[Pro Libertate]

I wonder which party would get the chimp vote?

[Episiarch]

The Silly Party.

[AlmightyJB]

Well the hard working ones with the most bananas would probably be against banana redistribution. The ones who were too lazy to pick their own bananas would probably be for it.

[Chupacabra]

I, for one, for oppose subsidies to BIG BANANA.

[OO========D]

As am I.

[WTF]

If apes could talk, they would probably make more sense than most of congress.

They already make more sense than congress. Give them a comfy tree and some fruit and they generally won't fuck with you.

[ipsl34ek]

Bonobos will. They fuck everything and everybody.

[Sparky]

So it's proven again that the only thing stopping animals from taking over the world is the fact that they aren't as smart as humans. They don't need weapons, they'll just fool everyone into a false sense of security with their cuddly cuteness.

[SugarFree]

Planet of the Apes

2 oz Jamaican Rum
1 oz. orange juice
1 oz. pineapple juice
.75 oz. Creme de Banana
.5 oz. lime juice

Shake with ice, and empty into a highball glass. Garnish with maraschino cherry and a banana slice.

[AlmightyJB]

That actually sounds pretty good. I have all that at home. Bet it would be good with vanilla vodka as well.

[A Serious Man]

Dude did you invent that? That sounds really good.

[SugarFree]

Nah, I first saw it on Sloshed. But it seems to be an original from Beachbum Barry's Glog Log.

[Mongo]

Another tortuous day of work reading delicious, online cocktail recipes.

[True Ape Version]

Garnish with maraschino cherry feces and a banana slice.

[GregorySmith3]

Scenario? What scenario? We already have an Ape-in-Chief in the White House. It's Planet of the Marxist Apes!

Oh, before you accuse me of racism, google "Bush monkey."

P.S. Stop loving Obama!

[Episiarch]

GREEGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[Nipplemancer]

Stay classy there Gregooo.

[GregorySmith3]

If you think I lack class, you should see the rantings and ravings of Rahm Emanuel. Or why not check out Obama saying "the police acted stupidly" after they arrested a black professor that was threatening them? Yup, our mulatto-in-chief is a real class act.

[Joe M]

Racist!

[GregorySmith3]

Caucasianphobe!

[WTF]

I was wondering how long it would take before an "We already have an ape in the Whitehouse" post.

[sevo]

'Bout 16 minutes.
Would have been quicker, but Greg's a slow typist.

[WTF]

We all know Greg is slow, but we try to use the term "special'.

[GregorySmith3]

I type 40 word per minute+, a-hole.

[Sy]

"I type 40 word per minute+, a-hole.

That's not something I'd admit, as a blogger. 40 word?

[Fist of Etiquette]

God damn you all to hell.

[rather]

if the apes aren't robots, I'm skipping this one

[rather]

Although I've heard chimps like peanut butter...

[Pip]

ZOMBIE APES!!!

[val]

"Scientists" warn, eh?

From article the only person I could find complaning was a Prof. of PHILOSOPHY.

He is about as "scientist" as a monkey chucking poop is Benjamin Franklin under the apple tree.

[JEP]

Isaac Newton?

[val]

lol, well count that one to a brain fart on my part, no better than that poop throwing monkey.

[CE]

It was a cherry tree, and Washington chopped it down, if I recall correctly.

[har]

a monkey chucking poop

I've never seen a poop chuck a monkey.

[Another Isolated Incident]

Animal activist arrested

An animal rights activist from Beverly was arrested by Salem police this week for refusing to turn over a dog she believed had been abused. Kim Hyder, 51, who was a national finalist in a "sexiest vegetarian" contest run by PETA, was arrested Tuesday night at the Hawthorne Building in downtown Salem, where she was teaching a children's acting class. A student brought a small dog to the class and told Hyder that he was taking care of it because, earlier that day, it had been kicked in the head and had a knife thrown at it.

At the end of class, when the alleged abuser, a 10-year-old boy, and his older sister arrived to pick up the dog, Hyder refused to let it go. At one point, Hyder put out her arms and told police, "Arrest me, I'm not letting go," according to the police report.

She was arrested, charged with disorderly conduct, handcuffed and booked at the police station. Nothing else happened.

http://www.salemnews.com/local.....rotect-dog

[WTF]

Well, apes are certainly more intelligent than AII. And ape cops would probably be less dangerous than the goons we have now.

[Police Ape]

STOP RESISTING!!!!

[Sudden]

Throw poop, don't shoot.

[R C Dean]

Kim Hyder, 51, who was a national finalist in a "sexiest vegetarian" contest run by PETA,

My gorge rose a little at that.

[Joe M]

See the photo I linked. Really quite attractive.

[PETA]

We nicknamed her "Cucumber".

[Joe M]

Would you shoot her?

[WTF]

Only if she was resisting.

[Scruffy Nerfherder]

Depends on the ammo I'm using

[Pip]

SF police shooting of wheelchair user questioned - SFGate

http://articles.sfgate.com/201.....ting-taser

[Mongo]

Beneath the Planet of the Apes had A-bomb worshipping, veiny-skulled mutants who crucified apes, meaning the staff of The Weekly Standard will apparently survive the coming ape uprising.

[Pro Libertate]

Hard not to like the mutants, though you'd think they'd have worshiped Taylor as someone from the bomb-making era.

[Average Neocon]

ALL HAIL THE KRISTOL! BOW BEFORE YOUR PHILOSOPHER KING!

[sloopyinca]

C'mon, people. I find it hard to believe that I'm the first one to say THIS belongs here.

Embrace The Specials.

[sloopyinca]

[proegg antichicken]

I like the viral marketing angle. These scare stories don't make sense to me. Why wouldn't you want to make human-ape hybrid creatures? The only warning is that it "goes too far". Okay. What is too far? There is no clear danger to monkeying around with DNA to make whatever we damn well please. Therefore, I'm much more satisfied writing this off as marketing.

[WTF]

I would be happy if my dog could talk. Then he could just fucking tell me what he wants instead of the nudging/whining/pawing while I try to guess.
"What do you want, Gunther? "
"I want to go outside and take a piss."
"Okay."

[Bar Student]

I hear from a reputable source that if you smoke the right kind of weed you can talk to your dog. Careful though, they're supposedly quite smug and judgmental.

[proegg antichicken]

I think smug and judgmental is cats. Dogs strike me as stimulus bound and happy to the point of annoyance. We won't know until we try. All we have now is anthropomorphisms.

[Bar Student]

but but but the government told me that my dog doesn't like me smoking weed! They wouldn't lie!

[Lost_In_Translation]

If your dog could talk, he could also blackmail you. Think of that.

You: Hi boy, how are you doing?
WTF's dog: You smell like you've been to the porn shop. Give me a steak tonight.
You: No, dogs don't get steak
WTF's dog: Dog's that know their owner's dirty laundry get whatever the fuck they want!
You: Want to go hunting boy?
WTF's dog: Fuck you, I'm calling PETA.

[WTF]

LOL - okay, maybe it's better he can't talk.
Dog: Mommy! You know what daddy's been up to?
Me: Shut up, asshole!
Dog: I'm sorry, did you say Prime Rib?

[Kristen]

Best not-quite-Superbowl ad ever.

[Sparky]

Apparently you missed that episode of Dexter's Laboratory where gave the power of speech to a dog.

Dog: "There's a car, there's a car, there's a car, I want to get the car, there's a car, there's a car. Look, the moon, the moon, the moon, and more dogs, hey can you guys hear me? Can you guys hear me?"

[Clich? Bandit]

SQUIREL!!!

[proegg antichicken]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bp76RCIvvQI

[Jeff P]

Do I get my own hot mute woman in a fur bikini?

And they've never address what happened to the Mandrills...

[Pro Libertate]

I believe that's in the Human Bill of Rights. Which is only two rights long--the Freedom to Serve Ape being first, and the second being the Freedom to Nova.

[Warty]

Got this from Urkobold: SPRING BREAK

[Pro Libertate]

Oh, hey, thanks. Nice not to be the pimp for once.

[Warty]

I was quite disturbed to learn that joe hangs out there, though.

[Pro Libertate]

He comments there every blue moon. I think he was disturbed by your presence as well. Maybe you should meet on the field of honor and cast feces at one another.

[Warty]

There's nothing honorable about my feces. Not anymore.

[Pro Libertate]

We'll have them blessed by the Urkobold beforehand.

[proegg antichicken]

that was awesome

[Lord Humungus]

and the new Libertarian battle cry rose from the masses (of one):

Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!

[NoVAHockey]

so exactly how many monkey butlers will there be?

[Pro Libertate]

However many you need. I'm thinking like the number of robot servants the Solarians had in The Naked Sun.

[Lost_In_Translation]

Perhaps you missed the point of this link, Jeeves.

[Hugh Akston]

"Monkey butlers" can just as easily refer to 'butlers for monkeys' as it can 'monkeys as butlers.'

So in answer to the question: six billion and counting. Though most of those will probably be eaten.

[Tim]

Monkeys, And I missed it. BLAST!

[Pro Libertate]

Monkey threads never die.

[Seer]

It seems to me the Frankenstein "monster" is used inaccurately all over the place. The creature was as capable of humanity as anyone else, and that's what it really yearned for. It only went bad because society couldn't stand to look at it and shunned it. It was not an innately bad creature.

[proegg antichicken]

the real monster is us? boring.

[Pro Libertate]

It was socially ostracized so it killed and killed and killed yet again?

[Tim]

It was one of the earliest proponents of wind power.

[Pip]

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: [to The Monster] Hello handsome. You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because... they are jealous. Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a God. And listen to me, you are not evil. You... are... good.

[Mr. Mayday]

Once more, with love: I, for one, welcome our monkey overlords.

[Mr. Mayday]

Our tiger overlords cometh: http://bit.ly/nXE51x (Okay, I'm done now).

[Michael]

Eh, as long as they're like Bobo from MST3K, I'll be entertained.

[IceTrey]

That time is now!

Ape with an AK

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2ZxC0qVHio

[Apple]

Are there enough Gorillas in the world to form an Army? I think they might have just enough for a decent sized, pissed-off mob.

Of course, "Ghetto of the Apes" is still a movie I'd pay to see.

[Au H20]

SKINNER:Well, I was wrong. The lizards are a godsend.
LISA: But isn't that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we're overrun by lizards?
SKINNER: No problem. We simply unleash wave after wave of Chinese needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards.
LISA:But aren't the snakes even worse?
SKINNER:Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat.
LISA:But then we're stuck with gorillas!
SKINNER: No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around, the gorillas simply freeze to death.

[highnumber]

From the article:

"If it's heading in that direction, red lights start flashing," said Prof Baldwin. "You really do not want to go down that road."

Kinda seems like he's speaking from experience, dunnit?

[Pro Libertate]

You know, I think you're right. What could've happened to him? The gorilla butler he grew up with turned on him and his family? Sounds like something personal to me.

[Snowbee]

I personally can't wait until there's something I'm actually encouraged to kill. A biofreak ani-monster outbreak seems more likely than the zombie invasion we've all been hoping for, so I'm content to compromise here.

[Colin Fraizer]

Get your stinking headlines off H&R, you damned, dirty scientists!

[CE]

Michael Crichton was ahead of the curve as usual. His novel Next, about talking human-animal hybrids came out five years ago.

[St?phane Dumas]

Doubtful then the folks of Planet of the Apes might like the visit of Spaceballs 😉 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9MxTRspXpQ

[Brian from Texas]

GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY APE!!!!!

Sorry, couldn't resist.

[James Anderson Merritt]

Don't be hatin' on those who have only seen the Marky Mark version! Who here has read Pierre Boulle's original "Monkey Planet" novel? I read what I later realized was a rather bad translation into English, back in the 1970s. The book bears as much relationship to the Serling/Heston Planet of the Apes as that movie did to Burton/Marky Mark's. (Or as Heinlein's Starship Troopers did to the movie version, for that matter.)

If you didn't read Boulle's original in French, you don't know from Apes.

[IceTrey]

DON'T GET ME STARTED ON STARSHIP TROOPER'S!