In a Better World, Oprah Would Have Won

Cult of the Presidency alert: An annual survey sponsored by Gallup and USA Today reveals that the man Americans admire most is Barack H. Obama. Second place went to George W. Bush, who held the top spot for the last seven years. Presidential runner-up John McCain finished third.

Also depressing: America's most admired woman is Hillary Clinton, followed by Sarah Palin, followed—at last!—by someone outside of politics: the religious leader and literary detective Oprah Winfrey.

In related news, an unscientific survey in Russia says that the third most popular historical figure there is Stalin.

Comments

[shecky]

Proof positive: people are stupid.

[ed]

Devolution is real!

[joe]

Because in a better world, Oprah’s a man.

[Ken Shultz]

And don’t forget, kids. Democracy is the solution to your problems.

[Episiarch]

the religious leader and literary detective Oprah Winfrey

Detective? She didn’t even care about Towelie’s lies.

Devolution is real!

Dude, we’re all DEVO.

[Tsu Dho Nihm]

I’ll never have faith in humanity until Bruce Campbell scores higher in these polls.

[Episiarch]

I’ll never have faith in humanity until Bruce Campbell scores higher in these polls.

Hail to the king, baby.

[Mumbai]

Well, this shows how people are easily swayed and influenced by Media.

[Lefiti]

Hey, the LP is the fifteenth most popular fringe political party, but only among those who have actually heard of it.

[Lefiti]

“And don’t forget, kids. Democracy is the solution to your problems.”

Yeah, let’s privatize everything and let unaccountable plutocrats run the world. When did you have your lobotomy, Ken?

[VM]

“Hey, the LP is the fifteenth most popular fringe political party, but only among those who have actually heard of it.”

movin’ on up!!

you are just so precious, EDDWEIRDOOO! Can I put this little velvet collar around your neck and set you on this plush pillow in the corner opposite the Sex Dwarf. You can take pretty pictures of each other!

ooooo! Gives imaginary big hug

[Pro Libertate]

As a rule, if a politician is on your most admired list, you’re a child, an idiot, hopelessly na?ve, a politician yourself, and/or insane. There are some exceptions, but those are few and far between.

[joe]

In a better word, the URKOBOLD would have won.

[jasno]

Was it a multiple choice test?

Were responders free to choose any person they wanted?

I doubt it.

“Sir or ma’am, who do you admire most? Barack Oh-ba-ma, Pres-e-dent Bush, Billy Grahm, or Larry the Cable Guy?”

Nah, if they’d had Larry the Cable Guy, he’d have won hands down.

[Travis]

What Lonewacko didn’t make the list?

[Pro Libertate]

joe,

Indeed. An Urtopia, if you will.

[VM]

THE URKOBOLD DID WIN. IT WAS IN A REAL CONTEST THAT WAS DECIDED ON THE BACK OF A FIRETRUCK WHILE ONE OF THE BALDWINS* WAS BEING DRAGGED BEHIND IT. SEVERAL HUNDRED GOOD CITIZENS BEAT THE BALDWIN* WITH BEANIE BABIES AND A STUFFED AFLAK DUCK.

*which Baldwin is irrelevant. Just as long as it’s one of them

**No baldwins were harmed during filming

***note to self: adjust meds.

[Lefiti]

You libtards should admire Richard Gere, like I do.

It’s not for his stance on Tibetian freedom or his pursuit of human rights, but for his amazing ability to insert rodents into his rear end.

Anyone know where I can get my hands on a capybara?

[VM]

hier

and a long distance dedication to you, Edweirdo/Lefiti*

(the 12:26pm is probably a spoof, but, who knows)

[Libertymike]

Joe-

What is it you were writing about Oprah’s relevance?

[Episiarch]

Anyone know where I can get my hands on a capybara?

Lemmiwinks, NO!

[Jamie Kelly]

If Oprah were president, then every chick would have an excuse to get fatter than fuck.
I can’t have a fat-fuck-chick country.

[Kreel Sarloo]

Fall off the wagon there, did we, Jamie?

[Lefiti]

Who cares about fat chicks so long as there’s plenty of guinea pigs and KY jelly?

[Quagmire]

hey – fat chicks need lovin’, too. ‘Cept they gotta pay.

[Bon Scott]

Wanna tell you a story,
‘Bout a woman I know.
When it comes to lovin’
Oh, she steals the show.
She ain’t exactly pretty,
Ain’t exactly small.
Forty-two, thirty-nine, fifty-six,
You could say she’s got it all!
Never had a woman,
Never had a woman like you.
Doing all the things,
Doing all the things you do.
Ain’t no fairy story,
Ain’t no skin and bone.
But you give it all you got.
Weighing in at nineteen stone.
CHORUS:
You’re a whole lotta woman.
A whole lotta woman.
Whole lotta Rosie.
And you’re a whole lotta woman.
Oh, honey you can do it.
Do it to me all night long.
Only wanna turn,
Only wanna turn me on.
All through the night time,
And right around the clock.
To my surprise,
Rosie never stops.
CHORUS

[Citizen Nothing]

“Fall off the wagon there, did we, Jamie?”
Jesus! Jamie was ever on the wagon? Say it ain’t so! Excuse me — I gotta go sell my Diageo stock, pronto.

[Jamie Kelly]

Jesus! Jamie was ever on the wagon?

On the wagon now, permanently. I’m a fucking drunk. What’s great about being sober is that I still think joe can see the lining of his lower intestine, except that I don’t hate him now.
Plus, politicians still suck boomerang-shaped, pus-ridden cocks.
Ah, rehab. How sweet it was.
Well, off to an A.A. meeting.

[Pro Libertate]

Jamie,

One thing’s for damned sure–Hit & Run sucks as a support group. Hope you continue to kick ass and offend the sensibilities of us and your A.A. brethren, all while dead sober.

Please be sure to avoid the basil leaf, though. It’s powerfully addictive.

[Citizen Nothing]

Good luck, Jamie.

I just had lunch with and old friend who has given up drinking and is seriously down with the A.A. thing. She still smokes pot, though.

[Isaac Bartram]

One thing’s for damned sure–Hit & Run sucks as a support group.

Especially with that godamn drinking game.

Speaking of the drinking game, does anyone know how many it is when the holocaust deniers start showing up?

[VM]

Isaac – a whole boxcar full of whiskey.

[highnumber]

Oy gevalt!

[BakedPenguin]

She still smokes pot, though.

A friend of mine comes from a family of heavy drinkers. He’s a daily pot smoker, and says that without it, he probably would have would up as an alcohol addict.

[joe]

Hey, good luck, Jamie.

[TallDave]

Oprah is no longer outside of politics.

[joe]

*sob*

She sold me this crappy book, and then when she saw the McCain sticker on my car…I – I can’t go on!

[Daze]

One vote for George Clinton.

[Pro Libertate]

As God is my witness, I expect that Oprah will be the new Secretary of State once Obama cans Clinton. She’s just as qualified as the presumptive SOS.

[Isaac Bartram]

PL, he’s got to replace Gates eventually.

And Oprah’s about as qualified for that gig as Hillary is at State.

[Pro Libertate]

Ah, Secretary Winfrey’s Bomb of the Month Club.

[economist]

In a better world, Brian Boitano would have won.