Gideon Bibles for Some, Mini Vibrators With Lubricant for Others

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Finally, a Newsweek trend story worth celebrating:

Since 2001 the number of luxury hotels with religious materials in the rooms has dropped by 18 percent, according to the American Hotel and Lodging Association. The Nashville-based Gideons International, which has distributed copies of the Christian scripture to hotels since 1908, declined to comment on this trend.

Edgier chains like the W provide "intimacy kits" with condoms in the minibar, while New York's Mercer Hotel supplies a free condom in each bathroom. Neither has Bibles. Since its recent renovation, the Sofitel L.A. offers a tantalizing lovers' dice game: roll one die for the action to be performed (for example, "kiss," "lick") and the other for the associated body part. The hotel's "mile high" kit, sold in the revamped gift shop, includes a condom, a mini vibrator, a feather tickler and lubricant. The new Indigo hotel in Scottsdale, Ariz., a "branded boutique" launched by InterContinental, also has no Bibles, but it does offer a "One Night Stand" package for guests seeking VIP treatment at local nightclubs and late checkout for the hazy morning after.

Link via Sexual Intelligence (TM).

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  1. GOTTA LOVE NICHE MARKETS!!!

    FAT TAILS!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!

  2. Don’t say “Fat tails” in a thread about sex toys.

  3. Yes, that’s what I need, an intimacy kit. Otherwise I’d never figure out what you’re supposed to do with a half naked chick with her arms dangling around your neck all the while planting kisses on your face and giggling.

    Jesus Chrysler.

  4. And she rolls…and…let’s see here:

    Die 1: Kiss
    Die 2: Back of Lobster

  5. do you need a bible, then?

  6. Song of Soloman –
    4:1 Behold, thou art fair, my love; behold, thou art fair; thou hast doves’ eyes within thy locks: thy hair is as a flock of goats, that appear from mount Gilead.

    4:2 Thy teeth are like a flock of sheep that are even shorn, which came up from the washing; whereof every one bear twins, and none is barren among them.

    4:3 Thy lips are like a thread of scarlet, and thy speech is comely: thy temples are like a piece of a pomegranate within thy locks.

    4:4 Thy neck is like the tower of David builded for an armoury, whereon there hang a thousand bucklers, all shields of mighty men.

    4:5 Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins, which feed among the lilies.*

    * KJV

    Why, in the name of all that is holy, are they removing quality porn like this from hotel rooms?

  7. They need a Catholic chain of hotels, where you can fuck a prostitute in your room and go down to the lobby confessional for a quick soul cleaning.

  8. do you need a bible, then?

    only if you’re going to get high in the hotel room. (no really the thin ones make decent rolling papers)

    also if these hotels really cared about their clients they’d give out hitachi magic wands and ear protection.

  9. “fuck a prostitute an altar boy in your room”.

    otherwise it’d be a Baptist hotel…

    dhex: bravo!

  10. This is why I subscribe to the American Family Associations mailing list. I was promptly notified of this trend by a “Family Alert” over a month ago. Spurred by the AFA – I changed my reservations on a trip TO a W hotel to experience the downfall of society first hand … again … and again … and again…

  11. roll one die for the action to be performed (for example, “kiss,” “lick”) and the other for the associated body part.
    “Rub…forehead. Wait, what?”

  12. True story.

  13. Has anyone tried it with a d20? Wait, has anyone with a d20 ever gotten laid?

  14. Roll for initiative!

  15. also if these hotels really cared about their clients they’d give out hitachi magic wands and ear protection.

    Bwahhahaha. And dhex scores! I guess if you are paying $400 a night for a hotel you ought to get something better than a chintzy $10 vibe.

  16. Jonathan Hohensee | December 5, 2007, 12:48pm | #
    Roll for initiative!

    Ooooh, you rolled a two. Not good. Roll for defense against URKOBOLD’s taint withering ray. You have to beat an 18+4.

  17. Playing with a d20 would necessitate adding some parts that perhaps shouldn’t be involved…

    Die 1: Suck
    Die 2: Armpit

    fuck.

    Sal Paradise: A high CHA works wonders on tha’ ladies.

  18. Danger – however, the risk of your roll would be substantially mitigated if “neckstump” and “gentle” could be involved…

    (or: “taint” and “chomp”)

  19. Free condoms? WTF! When I stayed at the Hilton they wanted to charge me $4.00 for the bottle of water in the room. They charged me for the damned “complementary” copy of USA Today left outside the door. Those guys were so cheap I was genuinely surprised you didn’t need a quarter to flush the toilet.

  20. careful there,

    The hotel’s “mile high” kit, sold in the revamped gift shop, includes a condom, a mini vibrator, a feather tickler and lubricant.

    You don’t know whose ass that thing has been in!

    Sounds like a place you really, really don’t want to apply a black light on the sheets to see what is mucking around down there.

  21. I am simultaneously pleased and disappointed. Why not Bibles *and* sex kits? Lets try and get along here, people.

  22. Jammer –

    there’s no worries. It’s all good. Plus, the bible is one helluva sex toy! or it can be used in the manner dhex suggests!

    alan:

    You don’t know whose ass that thing has been in!”
    all part of the fun! you don’t know if a presbyterian picked up the bible, either!!

  23. Lamar,

    Die 1: Kiss
    Die 2: Back of Lobster

    The back of the lobster is a better deal than tonguing around in its underjunk.

  24. Has anyone tried it with a d20? Wait, has anyone with a d20 ever gotten laid?

    Yes.

  25. SUGAR FREE:

    LOBSTER GIRL!!!!!

    BOUNCY BOUNCY!

  26. Pfft… asking if people with d20s have ever gotten laid… bow down before the player with the percentile dice. Word.

    That being said, Jammer beat me to my idea, and VM, I don’t know whether to applaud you or to just gasp in horror. It was one of those kinds of moments.

  27. “VM, I don’t know whether to applaud you or to just gasp in horror. It was one of those kinds of moments.”

    WELCOME TO MY WORLD.

  28. LOBSTER GIRL!!!!!

    An underjunk of a completely different nature.

  29. Jonathan Hohensee | December 5, 2007, 12:48pm | #
    Roll for initiative!

    Crap. A two.

    What’s my saving throw for cunnilingus?

  30. The last time I was in a hotel with a Gideon Bible, I opened it and random, and read a wonderful story.

    It was about war. The Israelites defeated some king in battle, so they cut off his thumbs and “great toes,” and brought him to Jerusalem, where he died.

  31. So… would I be more of a nerd if I had known right away what “d20 meant?… or am I further gone because I initially was trying hard to figure out why people were talking about heavy water?

  32. I think the bigger question is, has anyone ever gotten laid after saying “thy hair is as a flock of goats?”

  33. Jammer | December 5, 2007, 1:51pm | #
    I am simultaneously pleased and disappointed. Why not Bibles *and* sex kits? Lets try and get along here, people.

    I second that and the Catholic hotel use of Confessional…

  34. There’s nothing contradictory about sex games and Bibles, however much libertines and prudes alike seem to be invested in that dichotomy.

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