If Trees Could Talk, Would They Still Be Homicidal?

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This holiday season the Consumer Product Safety Commission would like to remind you that Christmas trees think of nothing but murder all day:

CSPC Warns: Avoid Hazards Related to Holiday Decorating

CPSC estimates there are more than 14,000 candle-related fires each year, which result in about 170 deaths and $350 million in property loss. Dried-out Christmas trees are involved in about 200 fires annually, resulting in 10 deaths, and about $10 million in property damage. During November and December of each year, about 10,000 people are treated in hospital emergency rooms as a result of falls, cuts, shocks and burns related to holiday decorating.

Which prompts the question: What are you most likely to die from this Christmas? GHB-laced Chinese imports or deadly decor?

NEXT: Artifact: Warhol Goes to China

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  1. Why not both? Maybe you can be poisoned by the fumes of burning GHB-laced toys in a fire started by the Christmas tree.

  2. Trees kill homos?

  3. What are you most likely to die from this Christmas? GHB-laced Chinese imports or deadly decor?

    Alcohol poisoning?

  4. I’ll be killed trying to play peacemaker in my family’s annual X-mas melee.

  5. Wow, 200 fires out of 30-35 million (I looked it up) trees sold every year.

    That means every tree has something like a 0.000067% chance of being involved in a fire or that each tree is 99.999933% safe against fire.

    That level of danger certainly warrants a press release. Next week, concussions caused by individual snowflakes.

  6. I wonder how many people are injured and die in the production and transport of the paper the Consumer Product Safety Commission wastes every year putting out its stupid warnings.

  7. I think this falls into the “more likely to be struck by lightning” category.

  8. Kerry, thanks for not saying ‘begs the question’.

  9. Huorns, huh? I suspected as much.

  10. Dried-out Christmas trees are involved in about 200 fires annually, resulting in 10 deaths, and about $10 million in property damage.

    That’s $50,000 per Xmas tree fire. Seems really high to me.

  11. My mother-in-law’s cooking…

  12. Heart attack from sitting at my computer for 14 hours at a time playing “Call of Duty 4” and stuffing Cheez-Its down my face?

  13. The War on Christmas continues as Americans indulge in Germanic/pagan Tannenbaum rituals, even though it is forbidden in the Bible (Jeremiah 10:1-7).

  14. Heart attack from sitting at my computer for 14 hours at a time playing “Call of Duty 4” and stuffing Cheez-Its down my face?

    I once spent a really fun three days of Christmas break playing Max Payne all the way through. The game takes place in snowy winter NY, and I was in…snowy winter NY. No Cheez-Its, though.

  15. Heart attack from sitting at my computer for 14 hours at a time playing “Call of Duty 4” and stuffing Cheez-Its down my face?

    Damn you and your Call of Duty 4.

    …my Xbox is away on repairs for about a month 🙁

  16. Is there anything the Consumer Product Safety Commission won’t try to suck the fun out of?

  17. Which prompts the question: What are you most likely to die from this Christmas? GHB-laced Chinese imports or deadly decor?

    Electrocution due to putting my foot through the TV screen at the upteenth nauseating version of “A Christmas Carol”.

  18. Illiterate J,

    When Americans start *worshipping* decorated trees, let me know – that’s what the passage you quoted is about. Real American druid types want their trees in the ground, not desecrated and uprooted.

    You missed this passage from the CSPC press release:

    “Consumers are warned not to go into the Old Forest looking for Christmas trees. Also, don’t move into a house with a big tree outside the bedroom window if the house was built over an ancient Native American grave site.”

  19. There is unrest in the forest, there is trouble with the trees. The maples want more sunshine and the oaks ignore their pleas

  20. So, when do the maples form a union and demand equal rights?

  21. they will march on and lay your local mall in ruins just like what they did to Isengard…

  22. Dried-out Christmas trees are involved in about 200 fires annually, resulting in 10 deaths, and about $10 million in property damage.

    That’s $50,000 per Xmas tree fire. Seems really high to me.

    Well, the fire itself only causes about $5-10 k in damage, but the subsequent SWAT raid that accompanies the fire marshall’s post-fire inspection trashes the house looking for any possible stash of illicit drugs and/or child porn causes an additional $40-60 k in damage. But hey, we can’t miss an opportunity for a warrantless search go by, can we? Don’t you know there’s a war on?

  23. This is exactly why I only put up an aluminum pole.

  24. CPSC estimates there are more than 14,000 candle-related fires each year, which result in about 170 deaths and $350 million in property loss.

    I normally would not feel so bad but stupid hippy chicks tend to be good in bed and know how to cook.

  25. Yeah. My names Sycamore. My middle name’s Francis. My friends call me Psycho. You call me Francis and I’ll fucking kill you.

  26. I put up an aluminum Pole once…

  27. I don’t have an aluminum pole, but I have a minimum pole.
    But size ain’t important.

  28. Is there anything the Consumer Product Safety Commission won’t try to suck the fun out of?

    CPSC estimates there are more than 23 hand injuries a year directly related to blog posting, resulting in the loss of at least $1.34 and one death from hand seizures brought on by compulsive ROFLing. Both the amount of paper towel used to clean monitors and dentist bills due to teeth-gnashing have clearly reached epidemic portions. During this holiday season please read and comment only on light – but not laugh inducing – threads such as how cute babies are or why Family Circus rules.

  29. You want to see *real* tree-worship? Check this out.

    http://www.adf.org/articles/nature/learning-from-the-trees.html

    i hugged a tree, and i got splinters…

  30. I want to know how many injuries will occur due fights breaking out from airing of grievances and feats of strength.

    Festivus for the rest of us!

  31. Remember, Sonny Bono was killed by a tree. As was some Kennedy or other a few years back.

  32. Remember, Sonny Bono was killed by a tree. As was some Kennedy or other a few years back.

    Sonny Bono was assassinated by a founding member of the “Green” party. There was a government cover-up. I thought everybody knew that.

  33. It’s way past my bedtime.Night all!

  34. If these warnings save the life of even one child, then they’re well worth it. But I know the reasonoids really don’t care above the welfare of our children.

  35. Remember, Sonny Bono was killed by a tree

    Hay! Aren’t you the same fishfry that was told not to take the lords name in vain by Cavanaugh?

  36. “i hugged a tree, and i got splinters…”

    You killjoy, hugging trees is perfectly natural and healthy so long as you use protection.

  37. Dried-out Christmas trees are involved in about 200 fires annually

    So, what they’re saying is that statistically, very few fires are started by dry Christmas trees.

  38. Christmas trees think of nothing but murder all day

    I’ve always suspected that Ewell Gibbons didn’t die of natural causes. I’ll bet one of those pine cones he was eating was laced with Dutch elm disease.

  39. This thread suffers from a surfeit of winners, not least of all Shannon Love. Thank you all for launching my Advent so merrily.

    And if you don’t like the Savior here, you can always move to another planet. 😉

  40. CPSC can DIAF

  41. Problem is, a lot of people don’t realize exactly how much of a firetrap a dried-out tree is. Lotsa fuel spaced really, really well. It’s the optimal packaged bonfire–add one lit match.

    On the other hand, the number of deaths mentioned are probably less than the number of deaths due to people smoking in bed and setting the place alight, so I’m not too worried about this.

    Make the data on “how to dispose of a Xmas tree” somewhere on the web and down at City Hall, and the heck with this. Stupidity should hurt.

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