That Burger Looks Suspiciously Like a Shish Kabob

In his latest tract, the gloriously mad evangelist-cartoonist Jack Chick explains what really happened to the dinosaurs.

For the whole theory -- sorry, Biblically proven fact -- go here. I'd like to see some fancy-pants biologist answer that one.

Comments

[Cesar]

Chick tracts are great for a laugh.

[lunchstealer]

Jack Chick can lick ocelot smeg for his persecution of Cthulhu's followers.

[Stephen the Goldberger]

Awww i feel bad for the dinosaur. But wow that's dumb.

[ed]

The lord destroyed the earth by water, but next time...IT WILL BE BY FIRE!

See, even God Himself believes in global warming!

[Bronwyn]

Oh. Well, now that I've had it all explained to me in pictures and hip language (The religious world went ballistic!) I get it!

I'll go right home tonight and tear up my Ph.D. dissertation, blasphemous rag that it is.

[Timothy]

But, lunchstealer, Who Will Be Eaten First?

[CFisher]

I think I missed that part of the Bible that addressed the extinction of the dinosaurs being definitively caused by over-hunting.

[stuartl]

Awesome! Anybody have any info on "the canopy of water above the earth" that collapsed?

[The Artist Formely Known as Tr]

What size spear would you need to take down a Brontosaurus? 30-30, .270 ?

[lunchstealer]

I will, Timothy. You just wait your turn, watching as the world is devoured.

[de stijl]

I think I missed that part of the Bible that addressed the extinction of the dinosaurs being definitively caused by over-hunting.

No, it was because the "air had changed" after the dragons / dinos got off Noah's ark. (I love that Chick thinks there was only one species).

If I didn't know better I would swear this is a parody.

[Taktix?]

I would find this funny if the lead singer of my band weren't sending me YouTube videos from televangelists on a daily basis.

Poor fucker thinks it's his mission to save me, and it's starting to get a little annoying.

Anyway, the larger point is that there are a large number of people who believe this crap.

No wonder the Bushes embraced the Religious Right. If you're dumb enough to buy this crap, you'd believe anything!

[Smappy]

Jack Chick truly is the gift that keeps on giving.

[lunchstealer]

What size spear would you need to take down a Brontosaurus? 30-30, .270 ?

I'm thinkin' .50 or better.

[Smappy]

Also, if there's only two of every kind of animal on the earth, just how much oxygen do the plants need to produce for the dinosaurs to feel vibrant and energetic?

[Reinmoose]

I got one of these comic books in the mail once. Best unsolicited mail I ever had!

[Cesar]

I would find this funny if the lead singer of my band weren't sending me YouTube videos from televangelists on a daily basis.

See, thats the thing. Most evangelicals are basically decent people even if they believe crazy stuff. The problem is, they are constantly trying to "save" others. I think its really rude when some jerk comes out of the blue with a tract and asks me if I believe in Jesus. To me, asking a stranger about his religious beliefs is the equivalent of asking about their sex life. Its a private matter, and rude to butt into it.

[Taktix?]

Also, if there's only two of every kind of animal on the earth, just how much oxygen do the plants need to produce for the dinosaurs to feel vibrant and energetic?

Smappy,

That's ridiculous. Jesus produces oxygen, not plants. And Jesus didn't want the dinosaurs to have any because they wronged Him. Probably looked at him cross-eyed or something...

[Randolph Carter]

Taktix - are you stuck in this situation? There's help.

[Warren]

Discovering Jack Chick is one of those dividing events. No matter what I think of his message and his activities, I'm much happier to live in a world with Jack Chick in it. His black and white tracks add so much color to my culture.

[J sub D]

I'd like to point out...

Never mind, it's kind of like hunting at the zoo. You really don't get much credit for doing that.

[Episiarch]

What size spear would you need to take down a Brontosaurus? 30-30, .270 ?

283mm.

[Reinmoose]

Also, if there's only two of every kind of animal on the earth, just how much oxygen do the plants need to produce for the dinosaurs to feel vibrant and energetic?

DEVIL WORSHIPER! I bet you play Dungeons and Dragons too! It's not just a game, you know!

[K.]

Oh man. I wonder if these backward idiots renounce all the benefits of science in their every day life.

[Taktix?]

Oh man. I wonder if these backward idiots renounce all the benefits of science in their every day life.

Ha!

No.

[tk]

Reinmoose,

Wow. I never played that module before.
I wonder what dungeon level you have to descend to for the "Auto-erotic aphyxsiation"?

[Ayatollah Usoe]

I just figured out what happened to the dinosaurs! Noah and family were tired of eating fish?

[Nonexistent Good-Looking D&D G]

I wonder what dungeon level you have to descend to for the "Auto-erotic asphyxiation"?

My level, baby...

Love,
NEGLDDG

[vanya_6724]

Not only anti-evolution, but Chick also throws in a bonus - some gratuituous caricatures of oily hook-nosed Jews calling for Christ's death. Nice...

I don't know, I think Chick's undermining his credibility by giving his dinosaur eye-lashes. Surely even creationists don't think dinosaurs had eye-lashes...

[Jesse Walker]

some gratuituous caricatures of oily hook-nosed Jews calling for Christ's death

You won't find much classical anti-Semitism in Jack Chick's work. His views on Jews are, um, even weirder.

(My favorite line: "I heard rumors in the camps, but I never believed them.")

[Ska]

R(2d10)OFL

[jkp]

A long time ago, when I worked as a short order cook, someone put this little cartoon pamphlet in the break room called "Room 104" or something like that. It was about a dying man in hospital cracking jokes about how he'll end up in hell soon who is saved by his roommate who tells him all about Jesus and whatnot, and in the end the guy is saved and he now feels happy about how he's going to die soon and go to heaven.

All these years later, I still remember it. It HAD to be a Jack Chick special.

[Jesse Walker]

Here you go, jkp.

[torrentprime]

Chick's tracts on gays are my favorite. I love the part where I have my very own demonic imps as fashion accessories. Dino-ka-bobs are just gravy.

[Cab]

If I'm not mistaken, the Dragonsaurus Rex had eyelashes.

[pistoffnick]

The friendly dinosaur in Danny and the Dinosaur had wonderfully lush eyelashes

[ellipsis]

For some reason, I thought Jack Chick had died. Although he might not be far away; it seems like he's lost his sharp edge that made him so funny in the past. Where's satan?

[Aresen]

I can see them taking down a duckbill dinosaur. An apatosaurus at 30 - 50 tons, I doubt, especially as they seem to have travelled in herds.

However, when it comes to the tyranosaurs - T Rex, Albertosaurus, etc - I think H Sapiens would have been dinner, not the diner.

[BakedPenguin]

I would find this funny if the lead singer of my band weren't sending me YouTube videos from televangelists on a daily basis.

Sucks, dude. Good singers are hard to find.

[jkp]

Jesse -- Oh my god! It is him! It is him!

Yeah, that comic still gives me the creeps. Yay! I'm dying!

[Timothy]

I don't want to be Elfstar anymore, Reinmoose, I want to be Debbie!

[scape]

K,

You might find the answer in Chick's exploration of Scientific Errors In The Qur'an.

[Brian Sorgatz]

It's a little-known fact, but at one point in the Bible, Jesus meets a dinosaur. Comedian Bill Hicks described the incident.

[Taktix?]

I just randomly scrolled down on that "Stairway to Hell" book page, and found this little gem:

You say, "I don't believe D & D has anything to so with Satan or religion." Then let's turn to page 25, paragraph 3 of "Deities and Demigods (instruction manual) and see what D & D says about itself.

"Serving a deity is a significant part of D & D, and all players should have a patron god."5

Surprise D & D player! Guess which deity you are serving? Satan! The list of deceived victims of this deadly demonic "game" never stops

[Reinmoose]

torrentprime.
That comic is awesome!
"If anyone tries to make you gay, stay away from them!"
PRICELESS

[BakedPenguin]

I love the part where I have my very own demonic imps as fashion accessories.

Oh yeah, I think I saw them on Queer Eye. They go great with dark suits.

[Timothy]

In the D&D 3.0 Player's Handbook there was the best disclaimer ever (it came out before Wizards was bought by Hasbro and lost its sense of humor). It went something like this:

Dungeons and Dragons is a game of fantasy that involves players pretending to be their characters and interacting with one another. Sometimes players will speak from their characters' perspective in the first person, but you are no more your character than you are the king when you play chess. The contents of the game are purely fantasy.

It goes along with one of my favorite sayings: In order to believe magic is evil, you have to believe that magic is real and would work if you tried it...and that makes you a fucking moron.

[Rattlesnake Jake]

Somebody once told me the Bible mentions dinosaurs. I checked out the verse she gave me and found it was really talking about a crocodile. What a bunch of crock!

[tk]

Rattlesnake -

Naw, not a croc, a Jesus Horse -
http://thegurrier.com/2007/06/12/a-jesus-horse/

[CFisher]

Yeah, I remember the D&D hysteria.

Imagine my surprise when I actually went to a game session and discovered that the players were less demon worshiping dangerous occultists and more nerds with nothing better to do than fantasize about nailing elf chicks, argue about Star Trek and drink cases of Mountain Dew.

[tk]

mmmm....Drow elf chicks.....

[CFisher]

And if Cthulhu doesn't get you, Galactus will.

http://www.yourmomsbasement.com/archives/2006/11/galactus_is_com.html

[ray]

The best time to hunt dinosaurs is at night when they can't run away so fast. I recommend a group attack with spears and slingshots loaded with flint. Sure, you may lose a few members of your group, but dinoburgers are tasty and they will feed you for months!

As for the t-rex, just tie a few malcontents to stakes and the t-rex's will be so busy eating them that they'll leave you alone. That way you can rid yourselves of the unbelievers and save your followers at the same time. It's a win-win situation.

[GeePeeCLXI]

Jesus loves baby veloceraptors.

[Timothy]

tk: Dude, you can keep the Drow chicks. They're like praying mantises, I want no part of that kind of mating ritual.

[Warren]

Jesse,
That track isn't so much about the Jews as about the Catholics. Jack's views on the Jews are a little more traditional

Don't Fuck with the Jews. Or Else.

[tk]

Timothy -

Yeah, now that were all grown up we have the Suicide Girls -
http://suicidegirls.com/

[Timothy]

tk: Yes, yes we do 🙂

[Robert]

Chick is really great. And he cartoons in different styles for different tracts. I coulda sworn one I got recently was a Kaz, both in drawing style and sentiment.

Either that or he has a stable of artists.

[Nephilium]

Sorry... the best response to Jack Chick ever was the Scott Kurtz one.

Click on my name for the comic...

Nephilium...

You know you want to click the name...

[Stevo Darkly]

I don't know, I think Chick's undermining his credibility by giving his dinosaur eye-lashes. Surely even creationists don't think dinosaurs had eye-lashes...

Actually, I have read some serious paleontological discussion of whether dinosaurs had eyelashes. Because dinosaurs are related to birds, and birds have eyelashes (actually specialized feathers). And we know that at least some dinosaurs -- those most closely related to birds -- had feathers of various types. (Including one that may have been ancestral to Tyrannosaurus rex, but they were kind of hairy/bristly-looking.)

So at least some kinds of dinosaurs may indeed have had eyelashes.

Isn't science ... pretty?

[J sub D]

Isn't science ... pretty?

I prefer "way friggin cool".

[Nephilium]

Bah...

"Well, once again my friend, we find that science is a two-headed beast. One head is nice, it gives us aspirin and other modern conveniences, but the other head of science is bad! Oh, beware the other head of science, Arthur -- it bites!"

And can even give us eyelashes on dinosaur [Neil].

Nephilium

[hale]

It goes along with one of my favorite sayings: In order to believe magic is evil, you have to believe that magic is real and would work if you tried it...and that makes you a fucking moron.

The occult is mostly just pre-science psychology - manifestations of a typically human desire to control things by knowing about them. Technology does most of what magic once claimed to. As for sweeping, miraculous effects produced by the application of minor, seemingly irrelevant forces: I submit that trick where you add salt to boiling water before putting pasta in it, and it comes out tasting about 400 calories better. Who needs fucking fireballs and time stops these days?

[A D&D Writer]

You say, "I don't believe D & D has anything to so with Satan or religion." Then let's turn to page 25, paragraph 3 of "Deities and Demigods (instruction manual) and see what D & D says about itself.

"Serving a deity is a significant part of D & D, and all players should have a patron god."

Surprise D & D player! Guess which deity you are serving? Satan! The list of deceived victims of this deadly demonic "game" never stops

Interesting. Opening up the actual 1st edition of the Deities & Demigods book, to page 5 (not 25), we find:

"Serving a deity is a significant part of AD&D, and all player characters should have a patron god."

Players, are of course, the people sitting around the table named Bob or Steve. The player characters exist only in fantasy; they're a role, often with names like Thod the Barbarian. Obviously, that the character Thog the Barbarian worships Kord does not imply that his player Bob Smith worships Kord, any more than the fact that the character Conan the Barbarian worships Crom implies his player Arnold Schwarzenegger worships Crom.

[Kord]

that the character Thog the Barbarian worships Kord does not imply that his player Bob Smith worships Kord

Bob Smith is in for a big surprise in his afterlife. I have a special place for apostates.

[Skeptic From Earth]

How big would Noah's Arc have had to be to have two of every kind of dinosar (and all the other animals)????????

[prolefeed]

Skeptic -- OTOH, didn't take up much space for the mosquitoes, diphteria, anthrax, etc. that a loving God saved for us. Mark Twain pointed this out in a funny short story / rant.

[Skeptic From Earth]

Mark Twain! I Love Mark Twain! Humour is often the best way to make a serious point. By the way, for those who are interested there is a great site dissecting Chick's publications
http://enterthejabberwock.com/index.php?cat=12/

[Timothy]

AH HA! I located the actual warning from the 3.0 PHB.

This Game Is Fantasy

The action of a Dungeons & Dragons game takes place in the imaginations of the players. Like actors in a movie, players sometimes speak as if they were their characters or as if their fellow players were their characters. These rules even adopt that casual approach, using "you" to refer to and mean "your character." In reality, however, you are no more your character than you are the king when you play chess. Likewise, the world implied by these rules is an imaginary one.

[scape]

Likewise, the world implied by these rules is an imaginary one

Hence, religion.

[Swimmy]

I read this tract a few days ago. My favorite thing is that the theory of BIG ANIMALS needing lots of oxygen to survive conflicts with Kent Hovind and the typical creationist explanation of how dinosaurs fit on the ark in the first place: that is, most of them were actually very small.

[A Crom Worshipper in CA]

Obviously, that the character Thog the Barbarian worships Kord does not imply that his player Bob Smith worships Kord, any more than the fact that the character Conan the Barbarian worships Crom implies his player Arnold Schwarzenegger worships Crom.

Wha-wha-WHAT!?! You mean I wasted my vote on a poser? Crom curse thee, Schwarzenegger!!!

[Iron Man]

Those things are laughable now, but used to scare the shit out of me back in the day; well I remember that particular drawing style of Chick's, and his way of drawing a faceless God as shown here.

One time I swore off masturbation forever, thanks to Mr. Chick's fear-inducing little tracts. (My zeal lasted about, oh, four hours.)

[Skeptic From Earth]

"One time I swore off masturbation forever, thanks to Mr. Chick's fear-inducing little tracts. (My zeal lasted about, oh, four hours.)"

I have often wondered why god would create a body part and then tell you not to enjoy it.

[peter]

HAW HAW HAW! Great post. And yes, Jack Chick is out there. Here's something I'm sure you'll get a kick out of: http://www.316now.com has 9 short films based on actual Chick Tracts. You will dig it, I just know it.