If You're Going to See Reason in Amsterdam, Don't Eat the Abandoned Dark Chocolate, Man

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As Reason gets ready to decamp to Holland next week for a South Park-infused conference on the "contemporary struggle for freedom in Europe," word of a terrifying new threat arrives via AFP:

Police at Amsterdam's Schiphol airport has released a warning for hallucinogenic dark chocolate bars after a homeless man ate one and confused their uniforms with wedding dresses….

Tests showed the 72 percent cocoa dark chocolate contained psilocine, a mind-altering substance found in hallucinogenic mushrooms and considered to be a hard drug….

Police warned the public to be careful if they found any abandoned dark chocolate: "Don't eat it, you don't know what's in it. Imagine what would happen if a child ate it."

More here, man.

NEXT: I Invaded Iraq Today. Or Was It Yesterday?

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  1. Better than a candy-coated dog turd.

  2. I wish my city had cool litter like that.

  3. I’m not partial to sweets myself but I think I could force down a bar or two.

  4. Police warned the public to be careful if they found any abandoned dark chocolate: “Don’t eat it, you don’t know what’s in it.

    Do a lot of people eat things that they find on the ground? I can understand a homeless guy doing it, but anybody else?

    “Imagine what would happen if a child ate it.”

    He’d have a more interesting day at school, and learn a valuable lesson about not eating trash.

  5. I was thinking about paying the Netherlands a visit soon – now I know I will.

  6. Addition: not that I would eat any food I found in the street. I just like the idea of wandering through a public sphere surrounded by hallucinogenic chocolate.

  7. So the bars were spiked by someone I guess? I was hoping for some sort of manufacturing defect and they left the factory that way. Then I’d find out what brand and go buy some.

  8. On a geographically related notey: Last night my father, using what passes for logic amoung culture conservatives, indirectly blamed legal prostitution Amsterdam on Jon Bennet’s murder since the her alleged killer went there after her death.

  9. This story has everything! Chocolate! Homelessness! Hallucinogenic drugs! Police in wedding dresses!
    I hope I found some chocolate on my way to the bus home tonight.

  10. This is *infinitely* better than, “Hey, you got your peanut butter in my chocolate!”.

    Look out for the new M&M’s flavors, “Purple Haze” and “Orange Sunshine”.

  11. This is *infinitely* better than, “Hey, you got your peanut butter in my chocolate!”.

    Look out for the new M&M’s flavors, “Purple Haze” and “Orange Sunshine”.

  12. I can’t believe there haven’t been any J Edgar Hoover references yet.

  13. demonoid phenomenon, get it on, yeah get it on!
    the only way to live is to make it a trip.

  14. Just a suggestion if you’re going.

    SwissOtel on damn square. Demand room 207.

    Have fun!

  15. Some of the “delivery services” here in NYC carry those also. So funny.

  16. I can’t believe Chertoff hasn’t made an announcement yet. Chocolate bars should never be allowed in the airport. peanut butter and chocolate? Sounds like a binary explosive to me.

  17. See? This is what happens if you dress you cops up in frilly lace uniforms with veils and trains.

  18. “Do a lot of people eat things that they find on the ground? I can understand a homeless guy doing it, but anybody else?”

    What’s it to you, pal?

  19. When I was four years old, I once picked up a piece of what I thought was chocolate from the hallway floor.

    It was actually an exceptionally dry little turd that had fallen out of my little brother’s diaper. Fortunately, I knew it was not-fudge as soon as I brought it close enough to my face to smell it.

    This is my disgusting story of the day.

  20. Stevo Darkly,

    You don’t even have a little brother. It was your own turd, you knew full well what it was, and you need to stop repressing your coprophagous urges.

  21. And, Stevo, what next?

    I note your tale of gastronomic exploration cuts off right before you tell us what you did with your little treasure.

  22. I’ve been to Amsterdam recently. Let me recommend the “philosopher’s stone”. Also, pay a visit to the Rijkmuseum. It’s possibly the finest art museum in the world. Do see it sober although you should be pretty baked before you see the Van Gogh museum or you’ll waste ten euros. The two are close so smoke fast.

  23. “I am not coprophagic, but I am coprophilic.” – Salvadore Dali

  24. Envisioning Homer Simpson in the land of psychedelic chocolate…

    Akira, it sounds like you spend more time with the old man than is good for you mentally. Are you the loyal opposition?

  25. I most certainly have a younger brother. Or else some company is paying a lot of money to a nonexistent person to maintain their IT stuff.

    And I discarded the not-chocolate as soon as I discovered it was not-chocolate. Don’t remember the details, but I probably flushed it.

  26. If you like modern art, you are coprophilic.

    By the way, amen to the “philosopher’s stone” recommendation.

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