Hand Jobs for the Greater Good

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Cops in Virginia's Spotsylvania County are fighting a grave threat to public safety: overzealous masseuses. But the wily massage therapists are tightlipped and/or non-English speaking. So unhitched detectives are taking one for the team:

During several visits to Moon Spa on Plank Road last month, detectives allowed women to perform sexual acts on them on four occasions and once left a $350 tip, according to court papers.

Spotsylvania Sheriff Howard D. Smith said that the practice is not new and that only unmarried detectives are assigned to such cases. Most prostitutes are careful not to say anything incriminating, so sexual contact is necessary, he said.

"If I thought we could get the conviction without that, we wouldn't allow it," Smith said. "If you want to make them, this has to be done."

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  1. Can you imagine what would happen to society if detectives weren’t receiving sexual favors in massage parlors?

    Thank God for these brave detectives!

  2. But did the detectives undergo training on how to receive a tugger?

  3. Yes, they’d be uptight and spend all their time subsituting furthering the War on Drugs/Porn/Social Ill of the Week as a surogate for sex.

    Thank the gods for massage parlors.

    Jake
    (who thinks every story should have a happy ending)

  4. It is really the fault of the massage parlor. Everyone knows that if you are going to be doing something illegal, you pay off the cops first. This is what you get when you don’t pay your protection money.

  5. Uh, Mom, yeah I was one of those cops. It’s a dirty job but someone’s got to do it.

  6. No problem getting volunteers for this duty, I’ll bet.

  7. “If I thought we could get the conviction without that, we wouldn’t allow it,” Smith said. “If you want to make them, this has to be done.”

    You could, um, mind your own fucking business. There’s a novel concept for the pigs.

  8. Captain Holly:

    Yup, The detective seargent was probably beating them off with a stick.

  9. Damnit! Where can I find massage parlors like this? The only places around here that offer massage of any sort are staffed by frumpish 40-50 something, new-ager, women.

    Oh, that’s right… I’d have to move out of Wisconsin first.

  10. “Oh, that’s right… I’d have to move out of Wisconsin first.”

    Gads, no wonder your in a perpetually bad mood. You live in Wisconsin.

    :-p

  11. Hail Spotsylvania!

    Hail to the black and blue!

    Etc.

  12. Yup, The detective seargent was probably beating them off with a stick.

    No, if that were the case they wouldn’t have felt the need to volunteer…

  13. One thing I’d like to know is, why is California the only place that doesn’t crack down on these places. There seems to be one on every corner. Er… or so I hear.

    CA seems to be right up there with any other anti-freedom state, so how do they overlook AMPs? A powerful state lobby?

  14. Anyone else wondering what extra services were purchased with that $350 “tip”?

  15. Most prostitutes are careful not to say anything incriminating, so sexual contact is necessary, he said.

    Interestingly, he does have a valid point. If the masseuse doesn’t say anything, it isn’t illegal until the penis is touched. However, I would think that the touching satisfies the intent evidence that they need, and that full ejaculation is not required.

  16. Not that I’m complaining, mind you.

  17. “CA seems to be right up there with any other anti-freedom state, so how do they overlook AMPs?”

    Interesting that you off-handedly used the abbreviation for “Asian Massage Parlors” despite the fact that no one had used either the full-length or abbreviated term….

  18. Just to be clear:

    Massage parlors may touch you, but not touch everywhere;

    If they consensually touch you in certain places, they have committed a crime;

    The public welfare is affected adversely by this consensual touching;

    However,
    Police may be consensually touched and the public is the better for it.

    It makes perfect sense to me.

  19. Interesting that you off-handedly used the abbreviation for “Asian Massage Parlors” despite the fact that no one had used either the full-length or abbreviated term….

    Maybe I’m just a cop that does his homework. 🙂

  20. One thing I’d like to know is, why is California the only place that doesn’t crack down on these places. There seems to be one on every corner. Er… or so I hear.
    I said it before, if you pay the cops, you are OK. That wasn’t a joke. The places that get busted are only the places that don’t pay their “licencing fees”.

    I mean, if they really wanted to stop people from using massage parlors as a front for prostitution, cities/states could simply require that massage parlors are only open during normal buisness hours. No one is going in for Shiatsu and Aroma Therapy at 2AM just after the bars close. And no-one is going to go for a quick rub-n-tug before lunch on a tuesday. Any exceptions to the rule would not be enough to make the whole thing economicly viable.

    The police are simply interested in making sure their income stream continues. If they get their cut, then the buisness can go on just fine.

  21. The chief is wilfully discriminating on the basis of marital status. If I was a married cop and denied this opportunity to get ahead, I would sue.

  22. And no-one is going to go for a quick rub-n-tug before lunch on a tuesday.

    It might be the perfect stress release before the big meeting.

  23. I’m wondering if this raid is part of a larger sting against the Rev. Sung Yung Moon’s “Moon Spa” franchise.
    You will notice that it was the Post and not the Times that broke the story 🙂

  24. Oh, that’s right… I’d have to move out of Wisconsin first.

    Akira,

    Now I don’t know first-hand, but I have been told that places like this exist in Milwaukee. Friends of mine from Chicago have gone to the “Asian women in Milwaukee” for this type of massage in the past on numerous occasions. Maybe you just aren’t looking hard enough?

  25. Oh, and I meant “you’re” not “your.”

    Ugh. Victim of one of my own pet peeves.

  26. I’m glad they are cracking down on this. Allowing handjobs is just a slippery slope…

  27. Oh, and I meant “you’re” not “your.”

    Ugh. Victim of one of my own pet peeves.

  28. um.. Chicago Tom – (greetings from Lincoln Square, BTW)

    um… “first hand” (what, they do it lefty?) and “hard” suggest to me, since now i’m an expert in semantics (see thread below), that you’re hiding something. maybe a fundamental-religious-pro-homosexual-anti-gun agenda???? hmmmmm? 🙂

    Akira: cheers!

    suspiciously,
    VM

  29. If they consensually touch you in certain places, they have committed a crime

    The pros^H^H^H^H masseuses should stick “M.D.” after their names and offer specials on concurrent exams of the glans and prostate.

  30. Where can I find massage parlors like this?

    They’re all over the place here in Phoenix, even normally sniffy Scottsdale (south) has its share of them. Names like Phuket Island Massage, VIP Massage, Oriental Massage. Here they seem to be staffed by 30ish Korean ladies. From what I’ve seen driving around I think the Asians have taken a lot of the trade away from places featuring druggie chicks.

    I’ve heard these places referred to as jack shacks.

  31. if they really wanted to stop people from using massage parlors as a front for prostitution, cities/states could simply require that massage parlors are only open during normal buisness hours

    Well here in Phoenix those places pretty much keep the same hours as the oriental restaurants. Go figure.

  32. I don’t get it. Are hand jobs not as enjoyable during normal business hours?

  33. Well here in Phoenix those places pretty much keep the same hours as the oriental restaurants. Go figure.
    Maybe… But are you disagreeing with my point that the police DONT want to shut down these places? If they wanted to shut down these places, they could come up with SOME sort of law that would shut them down without shutting down normal theraputic massage. The police want to shut down SPECIFIC places that don’t pony up, not to shut down all rub-n-tug operations.

    My arguement is that the police want their cut! The police often act as the mafia in places that don’t have a proper and respectable organized crime outfit.

    It is not some misguided interest in protecting the public good that is motivating the police to do this. The actions of the police are quite reasonable and rational: they are acting in their own self interests.

    We can take issue with the laws regarding prostitution itself (which I do… prostitution should be illegal). But the cops aren’t hippocrites – they are just buisnessmen trying to make a buck like anyone else.

  34. I said “prostitution should be illegal”… I mean’t it should be “legal”… Ooops. Save me the flaming please! 🙂

  35. Damnit! Where can I find massage parlors like this?

    There’s one in my hometown. They are always conveniently “all booked up” whenever a woman calls for an appointment — I know because my friend’s mom and other people she knows have called there on a number of occasions for an appointment…their “open” sign is usually on, even when I drive by late at night. I bet I would really piss them off if I tried to come in for a “walk-in” appointment one night. Heh.

  36. I bet I would really piss them off if I tried to come in for a “walk-in” appointment one night.

    I’m sure they have a strapping young man for your massage.

  37. In our California town, there’s a story in the papers about a massage parlor raid about every two years. The same owners reopen a few weeks later with a new name. In the most recent incident, the police were shocked, shocked to discover an operation just two blocks from the police station on the town’s main street.

    1. It is said they are opening an office in the police station soon.

  38. The thin blue-veined line …

    Well here in Phoenix those places pretty much keep the same hours as the oriental restaurants.

    God, I hope employees wash their hands …

  39. Wow, Doug, how would you know that they provide these services?

    And do you have any addresses? (I will make a note of the names you gave, though!) 🙂

  40. “When policemen break the law, then there isn’t any law – just a fight for survival.” ?Billy Jack

  41. what govt. class did u take in school. “the police would come up with some sort of law”

    dood. police don’t come up with laws. the legislatures do.

    hth

  42. This rubs me the wrong way.

  43. To avoid being prosecuted, the masseuses probably have to exercise some “political pull.”

  44. “with the Asian-run parlors that have periodically sprung up in Spotsylvania, he said, ‘they don’t speak much English.'”

    Foreigners? When I go to an American massage parlor, I expect to encounter some Yanks.

    Oh, wait . . .

  45. what govt. class did u take in school. “the police would come up with some sort of law”

    dood. police don’t come up with laws. the legislatures do.
    Apparently you don’t know much about how small towns work. Perhaps you should forget the lies you learned in civics glass.

    In a small town, there usually isn’t a line between the city government and the police force. They are both part of the same political block. The chief of police office is just a 3 minute walk from the mayors office, and a friendly conversation, and you have a new law.

  46. Ho long must we chafe under the heavy hand of these jerks?

  47. Howlong must we chafe under the heavy hand of these jerks?

    Damn Freudian slipperiness…

  48. But are you disagreeing with my point that the police DONT want to shut down these places?

    The only thing I know about what police want in Arizona is that Joe Arpaio wants to be governor.

    Like any sensible human I avoid contact with police whenever possible, so I don’t really know what they’re up to unless they’re pulling over drunk drivers, which is kind of a growth industry out here.

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