Friday Fun Link—with Bonus Holiday Theme!

Ayn Rand's A Selfish Christmas is the best of a series of National Lampoon odes to forgotten holiday specials of the past:

Prior to broadcast, Mutual Broadcast System executives raised objections to the radio play, noting that 56 minutes of the hour-long broadcast went to a philosophical manifesto by the elf and of the four remaining minutes, three went to a love scene between Santa and the cold, practical Mrs. Claus that was rendered into radio through the use of grunts and the shattering of several dozen whiskey tumblers.

Also note A Canadian Christmas with David Cronenberg and Noam Chomsky: Deconstructing Christmas for additional chuckles.

Hat tip to serial tipster Mark Lambert.

Comments

[David Rollins]

Another version had the reindeer complaining about Rudolph's "unfair" advantage.

[Jennifer]

They posted this last year; it's what led me to finally read "Atlas Shrugged."

Given a choice, though, I'd rather sit through all ten of these specials than watch the Star Wars Holiday Special again.

[Jeff P.]

Can't forget Leonard Peikoff's usual christmas meassage:
http://www.capmag.com/articlePrint.asp?ID=2254

By the way, today is Festivus, and all of us posters would like to air some grievances about the H&R server.
We will then take turns pinning Gillespie, all except Smacky, who wants to pin Julian.

[mtc]

Mandatory Ayn Rand was crazy/cult-leader/horrible-writer/whatever disclaimer but I think that's a pretty good article Jeff. Have to love the irony that a secular celebration of materialism is probably closer to the true meaning of christmas in its original pagan form (even if it had religious overtones) than a christian interpretation.

Weird thing is, I think might have seen an excerpted version of that in The Hartfod Courant of all places once (objectvists actually seem to make the op-ed page there once or twice a year).

I wonder if Peikoff or a like minded fellow ever made it onto one of the cable news shows while this debate on the suppposed "War on Christmas" was going on. Woulda' made for a hell of a lot more interesting conversation than some pc-type arguing with some fundie-type about saying happy holiday v. merry christmas.

[Jennifer]

MTC--You live in Connecticut, too?

[VM]

The Star Trek christmas is great.

" Santa, enraged, kills Ensign Jones and attacks the Enterprise in his sleigh."

and of course, Ensign Jones must be wearing the requisite RED SHIRT 🙂

[Warren]

mtc,
You want irony? I am of the opinion that a secular celebration of materialism is probably closer to the true meaning of Christianity than most Christian's interpretation.

Again I link to my retina scorching website
Right click, Select all

[joe]

"and of course, Ensign Jones must be wearing the requisite RED SHIRT :)"

Captain, I think I found something over-YEEEEAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHHH!

[peachy]

Hey, lay off the Server Squirrel - the poor rodent's doing the best he can. (By the way, the Science Museum in London has made a functioning replica of Babbage's "difference engine", if H&R is in the market for a server upgrade.)

[mtc]

Jennifer, you don't remember, I guess, but I sorta bitched you out awhile back on a thread about the gov't snooping people checking out library books for implying Windsor was full of white people and nothing else (instead of would-be-terrorist Arabs who would be checking out books on how to make bombs, I think you were saying). Not that I really value ethnic diversity one way or another, but I couldn't let some a blatant factual error about my dear hometown slip by.

But yeah, life long CT resident, though college and co-ops have afforded me an escape most of the time in the past few years (ok NY and Mass aren't really an improvement, but Oregon arguably was).

[Jeff P.]

MTC: The fact that actual history of solstice/yule/mithras/saturnalia et al doesn't make it into any publicized arguements about the war on Christmas invalidates those arguements, in my eyes. Like when the GOP bitched about "Under God" and no one retorted with the commie origins of the pledge.

[Akira MacKenzie]

...than watch the Star Wars Holiday Special again.

ARRRRGGGGHHHH! It BURNS us!

I don't know which was worse; Chewbacca's elderly relative watching the holographic human stirpper, Maud running the Mos Eisley cantina, Carrie Fisher's coke inspired "Life Day" song, or Imperial Stormtroopers being outwited by [Jackie Gleason] ART CARNNNNEEEEY!!![/Jackie Gleason]

[Eddy]

So how come I can't download the videos? Is there a way to buy a boxed set so I can give them as presents? Ohh, gotta run, I have to check if they are available on itunes!

[VM]

and this classic. can't forget about that.

[Ed]

Ayn Rand enjoyed the Christmas season. To her it was a yearly reaffirmation of the supremacy of capitalism. She correctly viewed it as a secular holiday, despite the lip service paid to you-know-who.

[Jeff P.]

The closest thing we'll ever see to these specials is from SCTV: Neil Simon's Nutcracker Suite or the Dusty Towne Horny Holiday Special.

[smacky]

Factual error:We will then take turns pinning Gillespie, all except Smacky, who wants to pin Julian.

[stomping feet]:

I do not want to pin Julian!

Jennifer, make Jeff stop teasing me.

[Jeff P.]

Uh-oh, someone needs a hug...
(Happy Festivus Smacky)

[Jennifer]

Jeff, stop teasing Smacky. I still have all the recipts--it's not too late for me to take your Christmas presents back to the store.

[thoreau]

By the way, today is Festivus, and all of us posters would like to air some grievances about the H&R server.

Is it too much to ask that they put people on shifts to enter the code every 108 minutes?

4 8 15 16 23 42

[Jennifer]

I misspelled "receipt." Damn.

[Mo]

It's ok smacky, you can pin me instead of Julian.

And I also remember this from last year. In order to make this seem intentional rather than accidental, this should be the Friday Fun link every year on the Friday before Christmas.

[Eddy]

Jennifer, your pedant is showing again.

[Lazlo]

Jeff, did the Horny Holiday Special ever actually run with that title? On the DVD box set it's (badly) dubbed-over as the Sexy Holiday Special.

[mtc]

Warren,
Retina scorching indeed. That has gotta be the most god-awful attempt at christmas colors this side of what my green eyes are going to look like Sunday morning because I got too drunk to take my contacts out.

Right Click, Select All just makes it looks like an equally nauseating attempt at patriotism 😉

[Jeff P.]

Lazlo: I think there's an undubbed version on one of the box-sets. My copies are bootl....fell off a truck, so they don't have a lot of specal features intact.
Useless Jeff Trivia: "How COULD you Mrs. Dinky?" has become one of my all-purpose exclamations, like "Hel-LOOOOO Nurse!" and "Oh my stars and garters."
I am a sad, sad man.

[Timothy]

She correctly viewed it as a secular holiday, despite the lip service paid to you-know-who.

You mean Voldemort?

[Shawn Smith]

Timothy,

Thanks for the nice chuckle you just gave me. 🙂

[smacky]

Jeff, stop teasing Smacky. I still have all the recipts--it's not too late for me to take your Christmas presents back to the store.

Aww, thanks Jennifer! You're da best.

And thanks for the Festivus wishes, Jeff. I hope you still get everything Jennifer bought you.

And Mo -- I have no witty retort right now, so I'll have to deal with you later. (But for now, a Joyous Festivus to you and everyone else!)

[smacky]

(Rhetorical aside: I'm not sure I have the "equipment" to pin anybody.)

(Then again, if I'm not sure then I'm probably more in trouble than anyone here.)

[Timothy]

Smacky lost some limbs? Tradgedy has befallen H&R this Festivus!

[Jennifer]

Smacky doesn't want to pin Julian; she wants to be pinned by Julian. Big difference.

[nothin' personal]

This so-called "fun" link is the comedic equivalent of a lump of coal. Third rate.

[smacky]

Jennifer,

That was a dirty trick. I am impressed.

[Timothy]

I think we're learning too much about smacky's positional coitus preferences. I want to know how Jennifer found out, and if there's video.

[smacky]

This so-called "fun" link is the comedic equivalent of a lump of coal. Third rate.

I thought this was a pretty good link, on the contrary. Informative and amusing (even enough for me to pass on to people via that wonderful mechanism called spam).

[Jennifer]

I want to know how Jennifer found out, and if there's video.

Biology 101. If Smacky is a female, and Julian is a male (and I'm pretty sure she is and he is), then only Julian has the necessary equipment for pinning.

[Timothy]

Ahh, I see, and thusly my squareness is thoroughly exposed. I was still taking pinning in the wrestling sense, or as a euphemism for sex generally, not as slang for stickin' it in.

[dhex]

"Biology 101. If Smacky is a female, and Julian is a male (and I'm pretty sure she is and he is), then only Julian has the necessary equipment for pinning."

smacky doesn't have arms?

she types real well for someone with a disability. maybe we can use her in the A Very Libertarian Christmas special?

[David]

Biology 101. If Smacky is a female, and Julian is a male (and I'm pretty sure she is and he is), then only Julian has the necessary equipment for pinning.

Factory equipment sure, but smacky could find an after-market upgrade to do all the pinning she wants.

[Timothy]

dhex: Nice to know I'm not alone in my more literal thinking.

[smacky]

she types real well for someone with a disability. maybe we can use her in the A Very Libertarian Christmas special?

I will play the armless, toothless, sightless girl from Camborawandladesh who gets a newfangled computer from the US government to better myself, only to tragically discover that it's a hand-crank device.

(Jebus, forgive me for my black humor this Festivus season.)

[Timothy]

New working title: Smacky's Left Foot

[smacky]

Oh yeah, Jennifer: I hope Santa Jeff leaves you a lump of pooh (or equivalent) in your stocking this year. Other than that, I hope you get everything you wanted and then some.

(Get it? Get some! naughty!)

[Warren]

Biology 101. If Smacky is a female, and Julian is a male (and I'm pretty sure she is and he is), then only Julian has the necessary equipment for pinning.

ummmm OK Are you familiar with the concept of pegging? Would you like to learn?

[joshua corning]

"By the way, today is Festivus, and all of us posters would like to air some grievances about the H&R server."

well if that is the case:

joe is lefty.

Black reason t-shirts are not for sale....

can't really think of anything else...and the first grievance really isn't a grievance more of an observation...so exept for the lack of T-shirts you guys are doing pretty good.

Jolly Festivus to all

[Jennifer]

Are you familiar with the concept of pegging? Would you like to learn?

"No" and "probably not."

[The Wine Commonsewer]

Timothy, you funny guy.

Now clean the coffee off my flat screen.

[Warren]

"No" and "probably not."
🙁
No matter how many times I hear it, it still hurts.

Alright, I'm taking off my shoes. We'll see who has "feet of strength"

[Jennifer]

Sorry, Warren. But in my life, there have been many people who've referred to me as "a woman with balls."* Okay, I can live with that but that's as far as I'll go--I damn sure don't need to complete the package.

* And they are much, much bigger than Herrick's, too.

[Warren]

Good thing it's not a drinking day, I composed and thought better of three comments.

Happy Festivus wishes to all

[Jim Walsh]

To me, Harlan Ellison's description of the lost Star Trek script alone is worth the price of admission...

[dhex]

"I will play the armless, toothless, sightless girl from Camborawandladesh who gets a newfangled computer from the US government to better myself, only to tragically discover that it's a hand-crank device."

disabled smacky: "oh, if only i'd never tried to rely on the might of the state!"

who gets to play the ghost of libertarian christmas future?

heh, get it? libertarian future? christmas?

"libertarian christmas future" is an anagram for:
"A CHARITABLENESS FRUIT RIM RUT"

http://wordsmith.org/anagram/anagram.cgi?anagram=libertarian+christmas+future

[Jeff P.]

I go away from the board for a few hours, and come back to find Jennifer has testicles, Smacky has no arms, and Timothy has, for some unknown reason, taken his shoes off.

You guys are ruining Christmas.

[Eddy]

Jeff, it's like this, first this guy in a red suit came with these testicles for Jennifer that he had made from Smacky's arms...yada, yada, yada...and Timothy took off his shoes. See, it's simple.

[mediageek]

I'd like to thank Jeff P./smacky/jennifer for making me laugh really hard.

I was in a terribly foul mood that had been induced by some horrendously saccharine country music that my little sister was playing in the car.

The sort that just makes you hate life and everything about it.

So, youse three have done your good deed for the day, take a freakin' bow.

[mediageek]

Oh, and no love for "KISS Saves Santa"?

Normally I'd be surprised, but the thread jack more than made up for it.

[mediageek]

Oh, and no love for "KISS Saves Santa"?

Normally I'd be surprised, but the thread jack more than made up for it.

[Some Zen Monk]

Jeff, it's like this, first this guy in a red suit came with these testicles for Jennifer that he had made from Smacky's arms...yada, yada, yada...and Timothy took off his shoes. See, it's simple.

Way to confuse the issue.

See, what happened is, Julian came over from Andrew Sullivan's site, learned what Smacky had been thinking about him, so he Ahab-like lifted Smacky above his head, ironically pinning her to the ceiling, and shouted to all the H&R posters that if one of them said something, he would cut off Smacky's arms and turn them into testicles for Jennifer, and also that if nobody said anything, Julian would cut off Smacky's arms and turned them into testicles for Jennifer.

Upon hearing of this, Timothy took off his shoes and put them on his head, and Julian applauded him for being the poster who truly understood.

[Timothy]

I go away from the board for a few hours, and come back to find Jennifer has testicles, Smacky has no arms, and Timothy has, for some unknown reason, taken his shoes off.

For the record, 'twas Warren at 4:56 on 12/23 who took off his shoes. Although if it's any consolation I am certainly not wearing shoes as I type this.

[smacky]

mediageek, acknowledge. 🙂

Good glob, if I ever meet Julian in person (hebun forbit!), I am going to be most embarassed and incredibly uncomfortable. I think I would pretend to be someone else. Maybe I can pull off "Herrick, et al." if I study the part well. I was always a decent understudy in gradeschool plays:

[ahem] *clears throat*

"Hello, Julian! My name is Herrick, not smacky. And I am GAY!"

(How'd I do?...)

[Stevo Darkly]

Aww. I stepped away from H&R for the weekend, and I completely missed the wrestle-royal cage match starring smacky. Awwwmmm.

They posted this last year; it's what led me to finally read "Atlas Shrugged."

I thought this sounded familiar. Then I went to the linked page. I remember, now, being startled to discover that Dorothy Parker was so hot.