G.I. Jalal

John Tierney's Saturday column (TimesSelect) quotes from some of the propaganda pieces placed in Iraqi papers by the Pentagon—noting that, after reading them, it's clear why they had to pay to place them. One of the pieces to which he alludes apparently describes the Iraqi defense forces as soldiers who "fight for freedom, wherever there is trouble." Now, if you're a certain age—or have kids of a certain age—you've already started humming the theme song to the '80s cartoon G.I. Joe. Apparently the Lincoln Group is heavily staffed by nostalgic Gen-Xers.

Comments

[Warren]

America!
Fuck Yeah!

ha! beat you to it

[thoreau]

I hear that some of our new high tech weapons in Iraq are multi-capability vehicles that can be rapidly re-assembled in several different configurations, depending on the circumstances.

These combat vehicles are more than meets the eye. It's said that the leader of these secret units rides a vehicle called "Optimus Prime."

I just hope that Zarqawi doesn't acquire a new high tech gun called "Megatron."

[Jason Ligon]

Our troops are real He men.

[Ironchef]

Pork Chop Sandwiches!

[Akira MacKenzie]

Now, if you're a certain age?or have kids of a certain age?you've already started humming the theme song to the '80s cartoon G.I. Joe.

...and now we know...

[GI Jew]

So Cobra Commander is now Queda Commander?

Does Zaquarhi wear a silvered faceplate too?

[Deus ex Machina]

So that would make this scenario all the more real: http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=1437

[Jennifer]

If this doesn't work, perhaps we can hire an idealistic band of soldiers of fortune to solve our problems for us? It might be hard to find these guys, though, since they're hiding from the law after having been convicted of a crime they never committed. Or something like that. Just look for a big black guy wearing lots of gold chains and a dumb haircut.

I pity the fool who says that's a dumb idea.

[Madog]

Once our new Airwolf unit arrives in Iraq, I'm sure our troubles will be over.

[Dr. T]

Jennifer, it was hard enough getting him on the airplane before 9/11.

[thoreau]

I suggest that we train our forces by having them run through mazes and acquire objects, while being chased by trainers dressed as ghosts.

[Jennifer]

Dr. T, why don't you go overseas, then? As a typical scientist, you can do mild-mannered sciencey stuff until some haji comes along pissing on the ideals of freedom, and then when that happens you can give the haji a stern look and say "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." Then you can demonstrate why.

I, personally, will pay whatever it costs to get you a pair of purple pants.

[ranger]

...and now we know...

And knowing is half the battle, YO JOE!

[Akira MacKenzie]

Apparently the Lincoln Group is heavily staffed by nostalgic Gen-Xers.

Hmmm... wonder if Duke, Snake Eyes, Roadblock ("Body Massage!"), et all would force Cobra POWs to go through the whole Abu Gharib humiliation and sexual torture gauntlet?

Who'd be the Pvt. England in such a scenario? Scarlet or Lady Jane?

[Dr. T]

Jennifer-

The terrorists will always make the mistake of locking me up in a science lab. Imagine their surprise when I turn the compressed gas cylinder into a missile!

And given some of the luck I've had lately, my car will probably get messed up every time.

[Jennifer]

We could also hire a black obstetrician to wear overpriced sweaters and make funny faces until the bad guys are all laughing too hard to fight us.

[Akira MacKenzie]

I suggest that we train our forces by having them run through mazes and acquire objects, while being chased by trainers dressed as ghosts.

"Somebody get this freakin' duck away from me!"

Which reminds me, no one has made a reference to the Cheat Commandos yet.

"...BUY ALL OUR PLAYSETS AND TOYS!"

[Dr. T]

As long as I have my Leatherman tool, I'll be OK.

[Jennifer]

Imagine their surprise when I turn the compressed gas cylinder into a missile!

Wasn't that MacGyver? I can deal with the sight of you in purple pants, but for God's sake don't get a mullet.

[ranger]

Sounds like IT'S MORPHIN' TIME!

TYRANNOSAURUS!

(why do you think they call me 'ranger'??)

[Jennifer]

Playing sad piano music now, as Dr. T hitchhikes along the side of the Baghdad highway, hoping against hope that next week's adventure will help him discover the cure for his traumatic condition.

Dun dun dun dun. . . .dun dun dun DUN dun, dun dun. . . .dun dun dun DUN dun, dun dun. . .

[Dr. T]

I'm sort of mixing shows now. The A Team usually got locked into some place with tools so they could assemble their own weapons. And Mr. T's van always got trashed. For me, the equivalent would be a science lab and getting my car trashed. (I've had some bad luck with cars this year.)

[Jennifer]

Well, Dr. T, you don't have to wear a mullet to be MacGyveresque. And considering how our government's too fucking stingy to buy our troops things like armor, I think MacGyver's can-do "recycling" attitude is exactly what we need.

Here's a box of paper clips, two bread-bag twisty-ties, a padded satin coathanger and the mouthpiece from a broken bong. Now go design a superweapon so we can bring the boys back home.

[Dr. T]

After I bring the troops home I'll just chuckle, chomp on a cigar, and say "I love it when a plan comes together."

I pity the fool who questions my patriotism because I want to bring the troops home!

[Jennifer]

Dr. T, if you were truly patriotic you wouldn't chomp on a cigar. Did you ever stop to consider what kind of example you're setting for American children?

[VikingMoose with theme to airw]

LOOK!

all of you have forgotten the Friday Night Lineup from 1982. That duo would whip the insurgents' asses.

First we send in Matthew Starr to use his telekenesis. Then Michael Knight and KITT will storm in - can't use roadside bombs on them. RPG? fergetit.

Nuff of this. time to get serious.

(MacGuyver is out - remember, in our america, we torture. his nonviolent approach is so outre...)

[Jennifer]

Too bad Buck Rogers is stuck in the twenty-fifth century.

[Dr. T]

I think it's obvious that what we really need is that intelligent car from Knight Rider.

[ranger]

(MacGuyver is out - remember, in our america, we torture. his nonviolent approach is so outre...)

We ain't got time for that kind of Jibba Jabba!

[Jennifer]

Until we finish liberating the Iraqi oil supplies, I don't think we can afford the gas to power Knight Rider's car. Besides which, is it really worth winning the war if by doing so we spawn another really bad but "Big in Germany" pop star? Methinks no.

[Jeff P., sad uber-geek]

Just let me state that Nick Fury and S.H.I.E.L.D. would kick G.I. Joe's ass.
The comic version, not the Hasselhoff movie version.
Also, Sgt. Slaughter should have played Judge Dredd instead of Stallone.

[Jennifer]

In all seriousness: we are way overdue for some uberpatriot to come along telling us why what the government has done in this case is a really good idea.

[Viking Moose the cynical moose]

Jennifer - i think the car was reactor driven.

point well taken about Hasselhof...

still. this is war. the terrorists don't play fair. plus, all of his mehair would clog the mythical paper shredder used by neocons to scare people into attacking...

[Jeff P.]

K.I.T.T. got 200 miles to the gallon. He had a reactor but needed catalytic reaction.
I am frightened that I know that.

[Jennifer]

still. this is war. the terrorists don't play fair. plus, all of his mehair would clog the mythical paper shredder used by neocons to scare people into attacking...

Exactly my point, VM. If the neocons aren't able to shred documents and civil liberties then we will lose the war. Which is why Hasselhoff needs to be kept out of this.

[Wild Pegasus]

These beats are fresh!

- Josh

[Viking Moose, friend of Opus a]

LOL!!!!

and that's why nobody has seen a picture of Saddam's shredder. because the neocons are using it to shred documents!

it all fits!

now. time for another 80s reference.

WE SHOULD SEND IN THE

BASSELOPE!!!!!!!!
[jarring chord]

[Jennifer]

Fuck the basselopes, VM. You know who we really need to get on our side? Papa Smurf!

Laugh if you must but think about it: he has magic powers. And the accumulated wisdom of centuries of life. And he's only three apples high--small enough to fit anywhere!

Also, his blue-and-white color scheme will really piss off our Jew-hatin' enemies. So he's a good psy-ops weapon as well.

[Dr. T]

In all seriousness: we are way overdue for some uberpatriot to come along telling us why what the government has done in this case is a really good idea.

I think they know better than to disrupt a geekfest.

That's what's awesome about H&R: Everybody respects the geekfest. Even the hardcore right-wingers.

[Les]

How could you all have overlooked the essential skills of Manimal? Don't make the same mistake NBC executives did!

[Jennifer]

Oh, my God, Les. I was going to make a Manimal joke several posts ago, but I was afraid it was too geeky even for this place.

Note to self: never assume anything is too geeky for this place.

[The Greatest American Hero]

Believe it or not, I'm walking on air!
I never thought I could feel so free-hee-hee,
flying away on a wing and a prayer--
Who could it be?
Believe it or not, it's just me.

[DaveInBigD]

But Jennifer, didn't UNICEF wipe out the Smurfs in a brutal carpet-bombing campaign?

[Akira MacKenzie]

Puh-lease... Automan would totally school Manimal.

[Akira MacKenzie]

If you thought my LAST post was geeky, how about this: Which was better? Tales Of The Gold Monkey or Bring 'Em Back Alive?

[Jennifer]

Dave, Papa Smurf is like Jason and Freddy--no matter how many times you kill 'em, you can always bring 'em back when you need them.

To make a semi-serious comment: reading the article about GI Joe reminds me of when I was teaching and had to speak to students whose papers were obviously plagiarized: what I actually said, of course, was "Plagiarism is wrong and I am very disappointed in you blah blah blah honest effort blah blah blah;" what I wanted to say was "You stupid numbfuck idiot! If you're going to plagiarize something, at least choose something that people haven't already heard of! I mean, seriously, jackass--if you're going to try and pass off an Emily Dickinson poem as your own, use one more obscure than 'Because I Could Not Stop For Death!'"

And if you're going to plagiarize a TV show theme song, try using one that won't instantly be recognized by approximately 197,375,725 Amercan citizens.

[VikingMoose]

"Bring 'em Back Alive"

good reference!

240 ROBERT!!!!

MATT HOUSTON!!!!!!

(actually, he'd be good. CJ has a link to Buck Rodgers and 240 Robert. he's an oil guy, to boot!)

[poco]

(Jennifer: So why couldn't you say that to your students? Everything but the "stupid numbfuck idiot" part, that is.)

[Jennifer]

Poco--

Because teachers are supposed to feel disdain for students who are being dishonest, not students who are fucking incompetent at it.

Other things I wanted to tell them: when you download term papers in their entirety off the Internet, make sure you know what all the words in it mean before you turn it in. Like when I asked the supposed "author" of a paper on The Great Gatsby, "What did you mean when you said Daisy Buchanan operates 'through the usage of enamorous mendacity?'"

Honestly, I don't know what bugs me most about our current government: that it's run by a bunch of pathological liars, or that they're so fucking incompetent about it. Plagiarizing the theme song of GI Joe! Yeah, because there's no WAY any American between the ages of 25 and 60 could possibly fucking recognize it.

Hey, guys, I just wrote a totally original poem, all by myself. Here it is:

RIO
by Jennifer the Commenter

Moving on the floor now, babe,
you're a bird of paradise
cherry ice cream smile
I suppose it's very nice
with a step to the left and a flick to the right
you catch your mirror way out west
you know you're something special
and you look like you're the best
Her name is Rio and she dances on the sand
Just like that river passing through a dusty land
and when she shines she really shows you all she can
oh Rio, Rio, dance across the Rio Grande.

[Jennifer]

Here's another original poem which, even if I did plagiarize it, there's absolutely NO way anybody could possibly recognize it as having been plagiarized, so there's no reason for me to be reluctant about trying to pass it off as my own original work:

HEAD LIKE A HOLE
by Jennifer the Commenter

Head like a hole
black as your soul
I'd rather die
than give you control
bow down before the ones you serve
you're gonna get what you deserve

[thoreau]

I think they should plagiarize They Might Be Giants lyrics:

Torturer man, torturer man,
Doing the things a torturer can,
Did inmates die? It's not important,
Is he Shia? Is he ex-Baathist?
Is he working in secret prisons?
Or is he American instead?
Nobody knows, torturer man.

[thoreau]

Those are awesome poems, Jennifer. You should copyright them and publish them.

In fact, in order to encourage the arts to fluorish in the new liberal beacon of Iraq, submit them to an Iraqi literary journal.

[Eric the .5b]

K.I.T.T. got 200 miles to the gallon. He had a reactor but needed catalytic reaction.
I am frightened that I know that.

I thought he had some kind of super-efficient turbine-based system. In one episode, he gets wrecked and Michael has to rip out the internal bits and make a ramjet out of it.

People with mechanical backgrounds, commence your peals of laughter.

Be afraid. Be very afraid...

[Jeff P.]

Automan Vs. M.A.N.T.I.S.!
Gold Monkey had a chimp in the cast, hence it was a superior show.

I would give any administration a degre of slack if just ONCE they marched out a group of rugged determined looking individuals in matching jumpsuits and said they were our new line of defense.
They have to be dark colored jumpsuits. None of that Megaforce crap...

[Eric the .5b]

In all seriousness: we are way overdue for some uberpatriot to come along telling us why what the government has done in this case is a really good idea.

Well, I won't say that, as I thing this was wrong...but which of these articles (if any) had made it into the American press in order to falsely convince readers of the Macho Sierra Macho ("em ess em" is so last week!) that our progress in Iraq was just amazing, as was originally suggested?

Hell, when they're cribbing from Hasbro, does anyone here really believe that those articles were meant to get back to the US and falsely sway voter opinion?

[Eric the .5b]

I suggest that we train our forces by having them run through mazes and acquire objects, while being chased by trainers dressed as ghosts.

I supported the project to develop invisible tanks that can bank shells off walls to hit their targets.

[Jennifer]

In fact, in order to encourage the arts to fluorish in the new liberal beacon of Iraq, submit them to an Iraqi literary journal.

I'm afraid that my brilliant and totally original poems might lose something in the translation. But I'm working on a prose story that might be more popular over there. Here's how it starts:

THE BOOK OF GENESIS
another totally original work by Jennifer the Commenter

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the spirit of God moved across the face of the waters.

[Jeff P.]

thoreau: If there's a Iraqi literary journal, there must also be some form of Readers' Digest. If so, what is there Humor in Uniform like?

[Eric the .5b]

as I THINK this is wrong.

Man, that's one of my most annoying habitual typoes.

[Akira MacKenzie]

Gold Monkey had a chimp in the cast, hence it was a superior show.

It did? The only animal star I remember was Jake the one-eyed dog. (Two barks means "yes," one bark means "no.")

[Jennifer]

Hell, when they're cribbing from Hasbro, does anyone here really believe that those articles were meant to get back to the US and falsely sway voter opinion?

Maybe a better question would be: were they dumb enough, in this era of the Internet, to think that not one such article would get back to the US, where over half the population would instantly recognize the source?

[Jon H]

"Once our new Airwolf unit arrives in Iraq, I'm sure our troubles will be over."

Dude, that's totally f'in airwolf

[Jennifer]

Maybe a better question would be: were they dumb enough, in this era of the Internet, to think that not one such article would get back to the US, where over half the population would instantly recognize the source?

To answer my own question: yes, they probably were dumb enough. Believing that this would never come out is no more difficult than believing the Iraqis would throw flowers at our soldiers.

[Eric the .5b]

So, Jennifer, you're agreeing with me that the whole line that this was a project to fool the American voter is utterly absurd?

[Akira MacKenzie]

These combat vehicles are more than meets the eye. It's said that the leader of these secret units rides a vehicle called "Optimus Prime."

What are you talking about, thoreau? Optimus Prime is on our side!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Optimus_Prime_%28person%29

I also hear that he's jewish!

[Akira MacKenzie]

"Once our new Airwolf unit arrives in Iraq, I'm sure our troubles will be over."

To go along with their MacGeyver references above:

A few weeks ago, a special unit known as SG-1 was dispatched to Iraq to deal with the integration of Iraqi POWs, or, as the unit leader Col. Jake O'Neill prefers to call them, "snakeheads."

[Jennifer]

So, Jennifer, you're agreeing with me that the whole line that this was a project to fool the American voter is utterly absurd?

The whole fucking war has been a project to fool the American voter. But this particular pile of steaming bullshit was intended more for Iraqi consumption.

[Eric the .5b]

Cool.

[taking out other stuff on this]

"Apparently the Lincoln Group is heavily staffed by nostalgic Gen-Xers."

probably are.

there are so many fucking losers in advertising who are just catching on to what was cool or funny in college, and they're playing on them.

viz: "LandShark" spot for BMW.

and for people who use hte "Generation X" reference outside of the 70s. But then again, these people would probably describe U2 as "alternative". pttttffffffff.

(like the reference in the early 70s, and the Brit punk rock group with Billy Idol)

at least this post could be #69...

[Steven Crane]

Ooh, I've got original poems too!

Hey ladies in the place I'm callin' out to ya
There never was a city kid truer and bluer
There's more to me than you'll ever know
And I've got more hits than Sadaharu Oh
Ton Thumb Tom Cushman or Tom Foolery
Date women on T.V. with the help of Chuck Woolery
Words are flowing out just like the Grand Canyon
And I'm always out looking for a female companion

[Vm]

"Ooh, I've got original poems too!"

[ha ha] and obviously lots of free time [/ha ha]

StevenC: Daaaa Beeearrrrsccchhhhh!

[thoreau]

I hear that the sex columnist for one of Baghdad's newspapers has composed an awesome poem! Roughly translated from Arabic it says:

I like big butts and I cannot lie
You other brothers can't deny
That when a girl walks in
With an itty bitty waist
And a round thing in your face
You get sprung!

[Eric the .5b]

*sigh*

I feel angsty. A poem should purge that:

I don't want to start
Any blasphemous rumours
But I think that God's
Got a sick sense of humor
And when I die I
Expect to find Him laughing

[Jennifer]

You guys know full well that I have been particularly worried about how women have been faring in post-liberation Iraq. I have not been convinced by the "purple fingers outweigh sharia law in women's everyday lives" arguments. And I'm more worried than ever, after reading today's "Dear Abbas" advice column in the "Women's" section of the Baghdad Times:

Sometimes its hard to be a woman
Giving all your love to just one man
You'll have bad times
And he'll have good times
Doing things that you don't understand

Stand by your man
Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When nights are cold and lonely
Stand by your man
And tell the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man

But if you love him you'll forgive him
Even though he's hard to understand
And if you love him
Oh be proud of him
Cause after all he's just a man

Stand by your man
Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When nights are cold and lonely
Stand by your man
And tell the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man

Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man

[Jon H]

thoreau writes: " hear that the sex columnist for one of Baghdad's newspapers has composed an awesome poem! Roughly translated from Arabic it says:"

Actually, thoreau, that's the Abu Ghraib MP fight song.